Chapters Banner Banned Twilight Sparkle is Filled With Seamen Sugarcoat Interferes in Netoge Spike Puts the Hay in the Apple and Eats the Candle Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #9 At the Gallows Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #10 Princess Twilight's Awakening Non Sequiturs #3 Extermanonation! TMI #2 Labor Day Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #11 Fluttershy's Pronunciation Guide Zephyr Breeze Gets Kicked Out of the Manehattan Metropolitan Museum of Natural History Penis Pie Plothole! A Tale Of Two Pharmacies Tree Names Boner Alert! Chicken Pimp Porno in Ponyville Evolution? The Snark Knight Rises Twilight Eats a Peach...at the White House! Tards Against Equestria Girls The Adult Comics Section Aria Blaze meets Ash Ketchum Wafer-Thin Mint Stew ARIKŌN Aria Blaze Tries to Introduce Ash Ketchum to Mustadio Bunansa F.Y.C Unbelievable Bull Adagio Is Not A Cheese My Little Coney #1: Bad Hare Day Dusk Lagoon Fluttershy Steps On A Nail Futagnarly! Persona EG Omake #1 Sonata Wants A Fucking Taco Twilight Sparkle Reads Princess Celestia's Diar... Jackass Equestria Persona EG Omake #2 Country Girls Always Have Bigger Guns Than You Phrasing! Friendship is Lyrical Pinkie Has Something To Show You... Lost in Translation? Princess Pranks 1 Sunset Shimmer Gets Wormed Derpaloo Pirates of the Refried Bean: At Wit's End Big Mac Cusses Up A Storm Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #1 The End of the Rainbow Purple Traitor Bad Memories Fillies Say The Darnedest Things 370H55V Defiled The Dora Effect Beargasm Persona EG Omake #4 ...Because I'm A Girl? A Message From Fluttershy Persona EG Omake #5 Fruit Salad Inconvenient Maud Aria Blaze Tries To Introduce Ash Ketchum to Flash Sentry Big Macintosh Mounts Fluttershy Fluttershy no Hibi Persona EG Omake #6 Sweetie Belle Eats A Dick Luna Does Inappropriate Things To Goats Anticipation Triple Crown Celestia and Luna Argue About Pointless Things #1 Foals And Their Music Fluttershy Invents The Meme My Little...Penis? RSVP Failmon Persona EG Omake #7 Insectual Predator Bear Plug Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #3 Discord Gets Burned (Again) Foals And Their Music #2 Foals Being Silly In The Bathroom Pignorance Penis Envy Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #4 Quesadildo What A Boy Wants Flutterguy Is A Tree Persona EG Omake #8 The Name of the Beast Persona EG Omake #9 Photo Finished: Deleted Scene Antique Chicken Persona EG Omake #10 This Might Be Gratuitous Farm-Fresh Fertilizer Sugarcoat Interferes In Dipper's Love Life Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #5 Serenade Fail Fluttershy Turns Into Random Stupid Things #1: Fluttersoy The Poon That I Wanna Be Deck the Halls Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #7 Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #8 Sunset Shimmer Versus A Japanese Toilet Marmoset Shimmer Terrible, Awful Equestria Girls Jokes #1 Sugarcoat Masturbates Cheer Camp Princess Twilight's Awakening Non Sequiturs #1 Princess Twilight's Awakening Non Sequiturs #2 Celestus Hungers Princess Celestia is Incredibly Horny Rainbow Dash Asks Samus A Question Flutter Butter Princess Furry Fart Be Careful What You Wish For Butthole of the Bands Donkey Love Calls Starlight Glimmer's Deepest Secret Parental Eyedance Twilight Pokes Shining Armor With a Stick The Day Every Straight Dude's Dick Exploded At CHS Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #13 Pinkie Sues Mabel Futaloo? Baking Bad The Baconator In Case Of Pinkie Pie, Break Glass Bed Warmer Inexplicable Weirdo Bucksgiving Rainblossoms? Ulterior Motives TMI Bacon Bits Boxing Day The Unfortunate Special Talent of a Colt Named Street Pizza Most Inconvenient The Elephants of Harmony Pinkie Figures Out How Rarity Did It And Gets Her Revenge Chicken Breast The Code Rainbow (Middle Name) Dash Treponema pallidum Starswirl the Beer-Dead I can haz cheezbooger? Bungalow Horse Doovers Persona EG Omake #3 I Ain't From 'Round Here, I'm From Another Dimension! Rap Hoes There's No Excuse For This International Incident Sonata Law Suit Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #2 Pie Fiction "What would the Princess of Friendship be without her friends?" Pinkie and Gilda Bake a Cake Hello Titty Cider Pitchman Quentin Tarantino's Sunset Strips #1 Fluttershy has a Frog in her Throat A Whyfy Original Motion Picture Event Turtle Dick Goldilocks The one on the left has it today. Sugarcoat Interferes In DBZ History Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #6 The Chinese masturbations can not be read in this circumstance Sunset Shimmer Rubs Her Pussy On Things #1 The Many Various and Sundry Pieces of Sonata Dusk Unexpected Musical Tastes (Or: What, You Were Expecting Beethoven?) Serenade Fail #2 Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #12 Bootaloo Principal Celestia and Principal Luna stared up at the banner Flash Sentry, Sandalwood, and Micro Chips stood proudly beneath, grinning like a pack of idiots.
Which is what they were.
Luna facepalmed. Celestia opened her mouth to say something, stopped, raised a finger, paused, then simply said: "No."
One end of the banner came unpinned, and it fell loosely down, dangling by one pin and fluttering in the air conditioning.
Shaking their heads, Celestia and Luna walked away. The three boys looked at each other, confused and hurt.
"What's wrong with it?" Sandalwood wondered.
Flash shrugged. "No idea. I thought it was awesome."
They sighed, staring at the fluttering banner which read:
CANTERLOT HIGH SCHOOL: WE CANTERBELIEVE IT!
Twilight Sparkle is Filled With Seamen
Sugarcoat Interferes in Netoge
"The purpose of this trip," Kyoh explained, "is to show Ako what a normal high school life is supposed to be like. The reason I'm not allowing Internet connection during our Electronic Gaming Club Summer Camp is because Ako uses Internet games to escape from a reality that hasn't been going well for her. If she's forced to interact with us like a normie, and we show her how much fun you can have in real life, and if she receives a proper love confession in a romantic setting--"
"I'm sorry, but that's bullshit," a voice interrupted.
Kyoh blinked, then looked to the door, as did Hideki and Akane. "Excuse me, who are you?" Kyoh asked coldly.
"An exchange student with more sense than any of you," the frost-haired girl with the salmon glasses standing at the door said. "I've been watching your little group tap-dance around the real problems with Tamaki Ako-san." She adjusted her glasses. "I'm afraid none of your attempts to 'fix' her are going to work. Tamaki-san has a severe mental illness. She needs professional clinical help. Therapy. Medication."
Kyoh's eyes tightened. "This is none of your concern," she said in a warning tone.
"No, it isn't, but I'm sick of watching you make things worse without doing anything to really help her," the girl said with a frown. "And frankly, I don't want to be around for the inevitable psychotic break that leads to her running wild with a boxcutter and killing her classmates. I'm in her class . I really don't feel like having my neck opened up by a crazy girl." She folded her arms. "Get. Her. In. A. Hospital. Get her on medication. Make her mother understand it's not okay to let this keep happening. Otherwise she will snap and kill somebody, and it will be your fault ."
The frost-haired girl turned and left, closing the door behind her.
The members of the Netoge Club looked at one another, blinking.
"Anou..."
Author's Note
Just creatively venting frustration over a certain anime and its characters' idiocy.
Nothing to see here, move along...
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Spike Puts the Hay in the Apple and Eats the Candle
Spike hummed to himself as he finished hollowing out an apple. He then stuffed it with finely-chopped hay. Setting it aside, he picked up a vanilla-scented candle, inhaled deeply to savor its aroma, then shoved it in his mouth and chewed.
It tasted waxy.
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #9
"Hey Twilight, what do you get if Rainbow Dash and Cranky Doodle Donkey have a baby?"
"I don't know, Pinkie Pie. What DO you get if Rainbow Dash and Cranky Doodle Donkey have a baby?"
"A pegasass!"
"Oh, for..."
FLUTTERSHY:
All the traitors, all the perverts,
CHOIR:
APPLEJACK:
CHOIR:
RARITY:
I will find them!
CHOIR:
RAINBOW DASH:
CHOIR:
PINKIE PIE:
CHOIR:
TWILIGHT SPARKLE:
CHOIR:
FLUTTERSHY: Into the Gallows! (Murderers!)APPLEJACK: Into the Gallows! (Stole some apples!)RARITY: Into the Gallows! (Gang rapists!)RAINBOW DASH: Kill 'em all for the Wonderbolts!
FLUTTERSHY: They killed!APPLEJACK: They stole!RARITY: They raped!RAINBOW DASH: They scalped!PINKIE PIE: They're bad!TWILIGHT SPARKLE: They suck!
ALL:
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #10
What's Scootaloo's favorite kind of porn?
BUCKAW-ke!
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Princess Twilight's Awakening Non Sequiturs #3
Princess Twilight's Awakening Non Sequiturs #3
Everypony was gathered in the dining room of the Castle of Friendship for their weekly pancake breakfast. Starlight Glimmer was now a regular attendee.
The only pony missing was their host, who had excused herself to the little fillys' room just as Spike and Pinkie were frying up the flapjacks.
"What's takin' Twi so long?" Rainbow Dash complained. "I'm hungry here!"
"Now now," Rarity chided. "Patience, Rainbow D--"
An explosion shook the castle.
The ponies and Spike shot to their hooves, looking around in alarm.
A thoroughly disheveled Twilight Sparkle staggered into the dining room. Half her coat was singed, her mane and tail were smoldering, and a cracked toilet seat was hanging around her neck.
"I'm toilet," she proclaimed dizzily before collapsing to the crystal floor.
"There's another one over here!" Sunset Shimmer called out, pumping her shotgun.
"I saw five more hiding in the bushes," Rainbow Dash yelled back as she reloaded her pistol. "They had their dicks out like the perverts they are, too."
"UGH!" Sunset grunted in disgust.
A completely nondescript man darted out from behind a tree, making a run for the portal to Equestria. Sunset aimed and fired off a shell; the man's torso was reduced to a fine red mist as he fell to the ground with a scream. Off to her right, she heard five rapid pops of Rainbow's gun, followed by a chorus of high-pitched, bloodcurdling screams.
"Guess you bozos won't be gettin' ANY pussy now!" Rainbow yelled.
The portal rippled, spitting out Twilight Sparkle, who looked around at the carnage and grimaced. "Oh Celestia," she moaned. "This is horrible..."
"Yeah, and letting these jokers get to Equestria is any better?" Sunset replied as she reloaded.
A completely nondescript man, naked from the waist down, jumped out from behind the portal statue and tackled Twilight to the ground. She shrieked and kicked out from under him, then planted a booted foot on his back, leaned down, and violently snapped his neck. Chest heaving as she panted for breath, she let out a warrior's scream of rage. "THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" she yelled. "Where are they even all coming from?! "
Pinkie Pie rolled out of a bush, naked and sticky. "I...got...two more," she puffed and wheezed.
"OH MY GOD, PINKIE!" Sunset cried. "What happened to you?"
Pinkie shrugged as she stood up. "Eh. It's easier to kill 'em if they're distracted," she said. "Besides, even these weird nondescript perverts who all have the same name at least deserve to die happy."
A bus pulled up to the front of the school, and two dozen more nondescript men got off. The girls looked at each other and sighed.
"Here we go again," Sunset muttered.
Then a jeep driven by the Dazzlings roared up the street behind the bus. The terrifying staccato roar of a minigun split the air asunder, and the crowd of identical men were chewed apart by a hail of bullets.
"THERE'S MORE COMING!" Adagio yelled. "The whole city's overrun! Nothing with a pussy is safe!"
* * * * *
Sunset Shimmer's war journal, day 43. It's been tough, but somehow, we've managed to hold Canterlot High School and the portal to Equestria against the Anons...
Seven girls sat at their usual table in the cafeteria at CHS on a Monday. Pinkie Pie was regaling her friends with the tale of her weekend date with her new boyfriend.
"—and so after we had hot dogs at that new hot dog place, we went back to his place and," Pinkie gave her friends a sly, half-lidded look. "We got a little frisky and decided to try anal sex."
Fluttershy squeaked. Rarity gasped dramatically. Twilight Sparkle blushed furiously. Applejack raised an eyebrow.
"Whoa," Rainbow Dash said, eyes wide.
A sudden lull fell over the table.
"So?" Sunset Shimmer prompted. "What happened?"
Pinkie Pie suddenly cast her eyes down and away, her cheeks flaming and a mild frown on her face. "I farted out his wiener..."
Fittingly, it was Labor Day when a very pregnant Rarity went into labor.
Her parents were out of the country on holiday, so only her closest friends were gathered in the waiting room for the maternity ward. Sweetie Belle had insisted on being in the delivery room with her sister so she wouldn't be alone; Rarity had steadfastly refused to identify the father, and grew irritable whenever anybody asked.
"So I wonder how long this is gonna take," Rainbow Dash said as she played some game on her phone.
"Labor can last upwards of twelve hours," Twilight said, turning a page in the thick book she carried.
"Wonderful," Rainbow muttered.
A piercing shriek tore through the air. Six heads snapped up sharply.
Sweetie Belle came flying down the hall, looking as though she'd seen every demon in Hell all at once plus a few hundred ghosts. Her marshmallow face was greener than her eyes, which were wide and terrified and haunted. Her hair had turned completely white, and she kept screaming over and over again.
"What's wrong?" Sunset Shimmer asked, shooting to her feet. "Is Rarity alright?"
"She...she...she...she..." Sweetie Belle stammered, before crumpling to her knees and screaming again. And again. And again. Three nurses showed up, each looking pale and shaken, and hauled her away. One of them injected Sweetie Belle with something, and her screams trailed off as she collapsed like a sack of potatoes in their arms.
A doctor wearing a surgical mask walked in, his brow pale and clammy. He looked around at the group with frightened eyes. "Umm..."
"Is Rarity alright?" Twilight asked. "Did something happen?"
The doctor's eyes roved over the group of girls. He swallowed nervously. "You...you don't need to see this," he said shakily.
"We're her friends," Rainbow said firmly. "Whatever happened to Rarity, we need to know."
"Is the baby alright?" Fluttershy asked, biting her thumbnail in fear. "Oh dear, something happened to the baby!"
"No, the babies...they're fine. I think. They...they're healthy."
"Babies?" Pinkie gasped. "She had twins?!"
"Qui-quintuplets," the doctor stammered. The girls all gasped sharply, eyes wide. "But...but they're..."
The girls charged down the hall, following the signs that pointed to the nursery. When they arrived, they looked wildly around, but saw only three babies sleeping in cradles placed some distance from each other.
A harassed-looking nurse staggered up to them, looking like she'd just survived a plane crash. She looked at the girls with frightened eyes. "You...you came in with Rarity," she said.
"Where are the babies?" Sunset demanded. "Is Rarity alright?"
"Y-yes, she...she's fine," the nurse said. "She's in the recovery room."
"The babies?" Fluttershy demanded insistently.
The nurse took a step back. "They...they're in the NIC unit," she said. "We...we can't put them in the..." She swallowed. "We're trying to find a spe—a specialist..."
The girls looked at each other worriedly. "The doctor said they were healthy," Twilight said doubtfully. "What's wrong with them?"
The nurse shook her head. "It..."
"Come on!" Rainbow cried, pushing past the nurse and leading the girls down the hall. They found a sign that read "NICU" and pushed through the door, heedless of the protests of two nurses and a doctor. Inside, they saw a swarm of activity centered around a curtained-off area amid the dozen or so empty plexiglass cribs that lined the room. Nodding at one another with determination, they headed for the curtained area.
"Hey, you can't come in—" a doctor began.
"We're Rarity's friends, and we demand to know what's wrong with her babies!" Sunset said firmly. The girls rounded the curtain, and two plexiglass cribs came within view. One contained three of Rarity's babies; the other contained two.
The girls stopped short as they finally understood everything: Rarity's refusal to identify the father, Sweetie Belle's screaming, the odd reactions of the hospital staff.
For what lay squirming and snuffling and whimpering in the cribs were five wrinkly newborn puppies, each with a disturbingly human face.
"Boy, Rarity really screwed the pooch this time," Pinkie said.
Everyone glared at her. "No, really ," Twilight said acidly.
"Well, duh! " Pinkie said obliviously. "I mean, there's 'no littering' signs all over the hospital!"
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #11
"Hey Twilight! What's the most popular Internet browser in Equestria?"
"I don't know, Pinkie Pie! What IS the most popular Internet browser in Equestria?"
"Moozilla!"
Fluttershy's Pronunciation Guide
Welcome to Fluttershy's Pronunciation Guide. Today's featured word is:
BUKKAKE
And now, here's Fluttershy with your Pronunciation Guide:
"Ahem. EWWWW OH MY GOD IT'S ALL OVER MY EVERYTHING AND WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT AND THIS IS SO GROSS AND IT'S IN MY HAIR AND IN MY EYE AND I THINK I CAN SEE THE LITTLE SPERM IN MY EYE AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU EWEWEWEWEWEWEW GROSSGROSSGROSSGROSSGROSS..."
And that's today's Pronunciation Guide with Fluttershy. We hope this has been an educational experience that will enrich your everyday life. Goodbye, until next time!
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Zephyr Breeze Gets Kicked Out of the Manehattan Metropolitan Museum of Natural History
"And I can do it with a BOOOOOOOOOOONE!"
"Sir? You absolutely, positively can not do it with a bone. Now if you would kindly step away from that priceless ponysaurus fossil, the security guards will escort you from the premises..."
Twilight was in the middle of writing out her schedule for the week when the door slammed open, and Pinkie Pie bounded in. "TWILIGHT! I'VE GOT A PENIS!"
Twilight fell over. "You what?! "
"I've got a penis! A really really big penis!"
Twilight edged away from Pinkie. "Uhh...congratulations? I guess? I don't know why you're telling me...or why you think you've changed genders..."
"You've gotta help me!" Pinkie cried. "This is the worst penis that ever penis in the history of penis!"
"WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT WORD?!" Twilight cried, face red.
"I CAN'T!" Pinkie shot back, tears welling in her eyes. "I penis things and they come out penis! I can't even penis my own penis! Penis Pie! Penis Pie! PENIS PIE!" She broke down in hysterical sobbing, covering her face with her hooves.
Twilight frowned. "Have you gotten into any poison joke?"
Pinkie shook her head. "I haven't even penis anywhere near the Penisfree Penis!"
"Hmm." Twilight rubbed her chin. "Discord? No...this isn't his style. Besides, he's in Trottingham..."
"Penis make it stop," Pinkie pleaded.
Rarity totted in. "Good afternoon, darlings!" she said. "Lovely day we're having, isn't it?"
"Actually, it's a really PENIS day!" Pinkie Pie said sourly.
"Oh, oh heavens...I'm...not quite sure what that means," Rarity said, covering her muzzle with a hoof.
"Somehow, Pinkie Pie's gotten stuck saying that word at random instead of other words," Twilight said.
"How am I suppenis to penis my job when I can't even penis the Cakes what to penis to the customers?" Pinkie wailed. "My penis is ruined!"
"Calm down, Pinkie Pie," Twilight said. "I'm sure I can take care of this." Her horn glowed...then unglowed. She blinked. "O-kay...maybe not."
"Bit of a problem there, darling?" Rarity asked.
"There's a pretty strong lock on this spell," Twilight said, frowning. "I can force through it, but...until I know exactly what happened to Pinkie, it might do more harm than good."
"You mean we've gotta find the penis that did this to me?" Pinkie asked. "But...but...that could be anypenis! They might not even still be in Penisville!"
"I'm sorry, Pinkie, but..."
"Alright, I suppose this has gone on long enough," Rarity said. Her horn glowed...
Pinkie blinked rapidly. "Pinkie Pie? Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Party Pony Ponyville Party Pinkie Pie."
Twilight stared at Rarity. "How...?!"
Rarity smirked, tossing her hair. "You and Rainbow Dash aren't the only ponies in Ponyville who can pull off a master prank, you know," she said smugly to Pinkie.
Pinkie Pie's jaw dropped. "YOU?!"
Twilight stared at Rarity. "Rarity? But...but how ...?"
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Please , darling. I might not have been born in Canterlot, I may not have studied at Princess Celestia's school, but I am still a unicorn. Who's best friends with an alicorn princess. Who has an extensive library with many, many books about magic." Rarity buffed a hoof on her coat. "I've been boning up, as it were." She gave Pinkie Pie a half-lidded stare. "Do remember that the next time you decide to spike my tea with curry powder, won't you?" With that, she trotted out, swishing her tail.
Pinkie stared after her, eyes half-lidded. "Peeeeeeeeeenis."
In her short but eventful life, Fluttershy had seen many strange, exciting, and wonderous things.
The thing she was staring at, in the heart of Ponyville, was definitely strange.
"Hey Fluttershy! What's WHOA."
Rainbow Dash joined Fluttershy in staring at the puckered brown-and-black hole which hung in midair at about eye level. "What...what the hay is that?"
The hole made a hissing, wet rasping noise. A foul stench emanated from it.
Fluttershy covered her muzzle. "Ugh!"
Rainbow waved her hoof in front of her face. "NASTY!" She stared at the floating hole. "Okay, now I know what that is. But...it can't be...right?" She started flying all around it, her hoof over her nose. After a minute, she landed, peering curiously at it. "Okay, this is too weird."
Within ten minutes, a crowd had gathered. Rainbow had flown off to get Twilight Sparkle, who stared at the farting anomaly with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. "So Twi, what's up with this thing?" Rainbow Dash asked.
Twilight shook her head. "Well...I know what it appears to be...and smells like...but it just isn't possible..."
The hole widened, depositing a sizeable mass of evil-smelling manure right at their hooves.
Fluttershy screamed and bolted for home.
"Holy CRAP!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
"Yep," Rainbow Dash announced, "it's a butthole."
A short time later, Princess Celestia had arrived, summoned by Twilight. "What can I do for you, my little ponies?"
Twilight pointed at the hovering butthole, her hoof trembling. "Have...have you ever seen anything like that before?"
Celestia blinked. "Oh my. What's that doing here?"
The hovering anus dropped another squirt of manure atop an increasingly large pile.
"That. It's doing that ," Rainbow said.
"Celestia? What's going on here?" Twilight asked.
Celestia sighed. "This, my faithful student, is the Anus of Equestria."
"...the WHAT now?"
"You heard me. The Anus of Equestria."
Twilight frowned. "Okay, so...what? "
Celestia backed away from the Anus, which was slowly leaking putrid gasses. "For reasons too complicated, silly, and disgusting to explain, Equestria has its very own sentient anus." She frowned. "I don't understand what it's doing here in Ponyville, though. Usually the Anus of Equestria is in Hoofston."
Pinkie Pie suddenly fell over laughing like a hyena. "That...makes...total...SENSE!"
Celestia blinked at her. "Err..."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Don't mind her, Princess. Pinkie Pie sees Hoofston as her mortal enemy."
"...her mortal enemy is an entire city?"
"Just...don't ask." Twilight sighed. "Okay, so...what do we do about this?"
Celestia shrugged. "Beats me. I've spent the last several hundred years ignoring this thing." She took wing. "I'm sorry, Twilight Sparkle, but the Anus is upon you!"
Rainbow Dash laughed. "I told you that's how that saying goes!"
Twilight blew upward on her bangs. "Greeeeeeeat." She sighed. "There's gotta be some way to get rid of this thing..."
"Hey! Hey! Maybe you should...PROBE it!" Rainbow cried before dissolving into helpless, explosive laughter.
Twilight seized Rainbow Dash in her magic, shoved her head-first into the Anus of Equestria, then flew off in a huff.
Cranky Doodle Donkey walked into Green Wall's Pharmacy, as he did once a month, to pick up his rheumatism medication.
He approached the counter, which for some reason was attended by a cow in a smock. He cleared his throat.
The cow turned. "Oh, hi, welcome to Green Wall's."
"Yeah, I'm here to pick up my prescription," Cranky said. "Name's Cranky Doodle Donkey."
The cow turned and rifled through every bin of filled prescriptions. She then turned and flipped through a huge white binder next to the register. All the while, she was chewing her cud and making loud, smacking noises. "Uh-huh...yeah, Mr. Donkey? Your prescription's on backorder."
Cranky blinked. "Backorder?"
"Uh-huh. Backorder." The cow smacked loudly. "Our supplier didn't deliver some things this week. They're coming back next week."
"Next...next week? But...I need that medicine today!"
"Yeah, I know sir, I'm sorry." The cow smacked loudly. "Wish I could help. Oh, but..."
"Yes?"
"You might wanna try Pill Pusher's Discount Drugs, over on Stirrup Street, sir. They're independent, they might have it." She waddled into the back, then came out a minute later with a box full of prescription order slips. She rifled through it until she found the prescription his doctor had written, then hoofed it over to him. "Here, take this to Pill Pusher," she said.
With a sigh, Cranky put the prescription slip into his saddlebag, then trudged wearily across town, his tired old joints aching worse with every step.
He arrived at Pill Pusher's Discount Drugs, which was teeming with ponies. It took half an hour just for him to get to the counter.
A perky young mare smiled at him. "Hi, what can I do for you?"
"Yeah, uhh...Green Wall's sent me over here," he said. He put his prescription slip on the counter. "They ran out of my rheumatism medicine, said I might have better luck here."
The mare looked over his prescription, then trotted into the back. She came back almost five minutes later. "Yeah, we can fill this. Give us fifteen minutes, okay?"
"Okay." Cranky sat down on one of the benches provided for customers.
An hour later, the pharmacist called out to him from the back. "Mr. Donkey? I need your insurance information."
"Of course," Cranky said. He stood, his knees aching fiercely, and trotted back up to the counter. He presented his insurance card to the pharmacist, who took it into the back and went to work on the telegraph machine.
Twenty minutes later, the pharmacist returned his insurance card to him, along with his prescription. He tossed a few bits onto the counter, thankful for low co-pays, then heaved himself wearily out the door and across Ponyville, relieved to not have to wait two weeks for his medicine.
By the time he got home, he was so tired all he could do was crawl into bed and sleep.
Then he remembered he needed to get firewood because it was going to be a cold night.
"Screw it," he decided, taking his medicine and drinking a generous swig of whiskey before pulling out every heavy, thick quilt and blanket he had and cocooning himself in his bed.
Author's Note
Loosely based on a personal experience.
"Applejack?"
"Yeah, Twilight?"
"I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop calling my castle 'Junior'."
Big Macintosh was hauling a cart of supplies through Ponyville, thinking about all the repairs he needed to make around the farm.
Pinkie Pie popped up behind him. "BONER ALERT!"
"GAH!" Big Macintosh whinnied and ran as fast as he could while hauling a loaded cart--which was quite fast indeed.
Pinkie giggled and pronked away.
Thunderlane was thinning out a cloud that was in danger of becoming an unscheduled rain squall when Pinkie Pie rose up behind him in the Twinkling Balloon. "BONER ALERT!"
Thunderlane screamed and kicked the cloud so hard it spat lightning at him. He flew off in a daze, smoke and soot trailing behind him. Pinkie giggled and descended to the ground.
Time Turner was buying carrots from Golden Harvest when Pinkie Pie trotted up beside him. "BONER ALERT!"
A bundle of carrots went flying as Time Turner crossed his hooves, turning red. Golden Harvest raised an eyebrow at him as Pinkie bounded playfully away.
Caramel was enjoying a nice picnic lunch with his girlfriend when Pinkie dropped down from above, suspended from balloons tied around her barrel. "BONER ALERT!" Pinkie giggled as she floated away, leaving an embarrassed Caramel and a bemused girlfriend in an awkward silence.
Pinkie bounded up behind Bulk Biceps, who was sniffing at a daisy. She drew in a deep breath...then stopped. "Eh." She wandered off.
Rainbow Dash swooped down, getting all up in Pinkie's face. "Pinkie Pie, what the hay are you doing?"
Pinkie blinked innocently at her. "Who, me?"
"Yeah, you! I've been watchin' you all day! You've been freakin' out every stallion in Ponyville! What's the deal?"
Pinkie shrugged. "I'm just bored and thought it'd be funny."
At that precise moment, Cheese Sandwich wandered into Ponyville. Pinkie noticed him and got a sly smirk on her face, her eyes drooping seductively. "Oooooh, boner alert ." She stalked over to Cheese like a lioness stalking a gazelle.
Eleven months later, Pinkie Pie gave birth to a white-coated, golden-maned pegasus filly named Surprise.
Rainbow Dash frowned at Fluttershy as the two pegasi and their four closest friends ate breakfast together. "Hey Fluttershy...I just realized something."
"Yes, Rainbow Dash?"
"Isn't it kind of...wrong for you to eat eggs?"
Fluttershy tilted her head. "Wrong? Oh goodness, no...why? What's so wrong about that?"
"Well, it's just..." Rainbow Dash looked at the two sunny-side-up eggs on Fluttershy's plate. "You're all about looking after animals and stuff, right?"
"Yes?"
"Well..." Rainbow pointed at the eggs. "Isn't eating eggs murdering baby chickens?"
Fluttershy laughed. "Oh my, no," she said.
"Actually...Rainbow's got a good point," Pinkie said.
"Well...no," Fluttershy said. "You see, hens lay lots and lots of eggs that will never be baby chicks."
"But how do you know those won't be?" Rainbow pressed.
"Well, because I oversee all the chickens in Ponyville," Fluttershy said. "That includes all chicken mating. You see, I...I know which eggs are safe to eat and which eggs have to be left alone because I have the only breeding pen for chickens here in Ponyville."
"Breeding pen?" Pinkie asked.
"Oh, yes. You see, you have to keep roosters and hens separated so that you'll be able to harvest the eggs hens lay without taking a fertilized egg by mistake," Fluttershy said. "So when it's time to breed the chickens, I put a rooster and a hen together in a breeding pen, wait for them to mate, then separate them again and help the hen make a nest. That hen is then kept separate from all the other chickens until her babies hatch."
Rainbow thought about this for a long moment. "So...you're a chicken pimp?"
Twilight choked on her orange juice.
"Well..." Fluttershy said thoughtfully. "Yes. Yes I am. I am a chicken pimp."
"Oh. Okay."
From that day forward, Fluttershy wore a pimp hat.
Porno in Ponyville shimmers!
There's the Mayor clopping off in her office!
My Ponyville
Porno in Ponyville shimmers!
*SPLOOSH*
"Terribly sorry, darling. I'm not very good with--"
Ash, Dawn, and Brock were sitting in a public park eating muffins with their Pokemon when an Eevee scampered out of a bush.
"Oh look, it's an Eevee!" Dawn squeed. "So adorable!"
The Eevee padded up to her, nuzzling her thigh. She smiled down at it and scratched its head. The Eevee looked up at her and mewed adorably. "Eevee?"
"I think it wants a muffin," Brock said.
"Here you go little guy!" Ash said, breaking a muffin in half and holding some out to the Eevee. He sneezed suddenly, dropping the muffin...
...which hit the Eevee on the head...
...and the Eevee began to glow...
"Is...is it...evolving?" Dawn asked.
The Eevee transformed into a light grey fox with feathery wings, a fluffy blond tail with a matching ruff of fur around its neck, and bright gold eyes that weren't...quite...focused.
"Derpeon!" the new Pokemon said cheerfully before chowing down on the muffin.
Pikachu facepalmed. "Pikapi..."
"You look like hell, Aria," Adagio Dazzle said as she stirred her coffee.
Aria groaned, puffy bags under her bloodshot eyes. "I had the worst nightmare..."
"Oh?"
"I dreamed I was stuck at the bottom of a mile-deep well with a hundred Sonatas. I kept trying to climb out, but I kept falling..." Aria shuddered. "The worst part was that every time I tried to climb, the Sonatas all kept up this ridiculous, annoying chant..."
Sonata walked into the room, leaned over Aria with an evil look on her face, and began chanting:
"FISH FISH taco taco...FISH FISH taco taco...FISH FISH taco taco..."
"GAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Aria jumped up, ran to the bathroom, and locked herself in.
Adagio raised an eyebrow. "What?"
Sonata shrugged. "I was up all night chanting 'FISH FISH taco taco' in her ear." She beamed brightly. "Hey! I'm gonna go get a fish taco! You want one?"
Adagio twitched.
Twilight Eats a Peach...at the White House!
Twilight Sparkle appeared in the private office of the President of the United States in a bright flash of light. "Good afternoon, Mr. President," she said.
Barack Obama turned to face his visitor. "Good afternoon, Princess Twilight," he said. "I haven't seen you in a while. You missed the turkey pardoning ceremony."
"I had a previous engagement," Twilight said. "I hear you're having a bit of trouble lately."
"No, not really...everything's fine..."
Twilight raised an eyebrow. "A town in the heart of your country has collapsed into civil disarray, there are protests everywhere, you're constantly barraged by threats from terrorist groups, and you're being sued by your own government."
"Well, yes, but other than that, everything's fine!"
"Uh-huh." Twilight frowned. "Well...in any case, I came to ask you something else entirely." She looked President Obama straight in the eye. "Do you like peaches?"
President Obama blinked, but nodded. "Of course. Peaches are a noble fruit. Peaches are the cornerstone of the South. If any fruit embodies the spirit of America, it's the Georgia peach."
Twilight grinned. "I'm so glad you said that..."
Several minutes later, Twilight left the White House, undisturbed by the Secret Service, eating a large, juicy peach.
If anyone noticed that the peach was wriggling, or that it could faintly be heard screaming, they said nothing.
Tards Against Equestria Girls
"Huhuhuhuh, uhh...this movie would be like...a lot better if they all got like, naked or something."
"Heheheheh, yeah, heheh, yeah...I wanna see some...purple boobs."
"Huhuh...they should like...stop all the singing and go down on each other."
"Heheheh, yeah, heheh, yeah, lesbians like, rule, heheheh."
"Uhh...screw this. There's like, Internet porn of these girls."
"Heheheh, porn, yeah, porn rules, heheheheh."
"Twilight? Twilight! Where are you?"
Spike walked into the library, which was the first and last place he'd checked in the entire castle. He'd been searching for an hour, but had found no sign of Twilight Sparkle.
Just as he was about to leave the library, there was a bright flash of light from a comic book lying on the table. Spike stared as the book ejected Twilight, who tumbled across the floor and landed in a heap against the wall. She was panting, sweating, and covered from head to hoof in...something.
"Twilight?" Spike asked. He looked over at the table as the comic book closed itself and began to disappear. Just as it faded from existence, he glimpsed the title:
La Blue Mare: Tentacles of Tartarus
Aria Blaze meets Ash Ketchum
"For the last time, my name is NOT Ass Ketchup!"
Derpy looked down at Lyra, who had been squashed completely flat by the seventeen anvils that had been dropped on her. "Oopsie! My bad." She poked Lyra's muzzle with a hoof. "You okay? Lyra? Hello?"
Fluttershy's friends sat around her kitchen table, mouths watering at the tantalizing scents coming from the kitchen.
"I hope you're all hungry," Fluttershy said quietly from the kitchen door. "Angel made a really yummy stew for everypony!" She retreated into the kitchen, then returned, carefully balancing a large, steaming pot. Twilight gently took it in her magic and set it in the center of the table.
"That smells really delicious, Fluttershy!" Twilight said.
"Yeah, I can't wait to try it!" Rainbow Dash said.
With Twilight's assistance, Fluttershy set out seven bowls, then ladeled servings of thick, chunky stew into each. A thick slab of bread was laid on a plate next to each bowl. Once everypony was served, Fluttershy sat down. The ponies dug in heartily.
"Oh wow, this is really really good!" Pinkie said, licking stew from her muzzle.
"Huh, is there some kind of meat in this?" Twilight asked as she examined a spoonful of stew.
"Yes...just a little bit," Fluttershy said.
"Hmm," Rarity said, chewing thoughtfully. "You know, I'm normally not one for meat, but this is actually quite tasty!"
"Yeah, who knew that rabbit could cook?" Rainbow said as she dunked her bread into the bowl and took a huge bite.
"Oh, Angel didn't cook this. I did," Fluttershy said as she ate a spoonful of stew.
Twilight blinked. "But...you said..."
The ponies and Spike stopped eating, looking around at one another, eyes wide.
"You...you didn't...!" Rarity gasped.
Fluttershy smiled and ate another mouthful of stew.
A long, pregnant silence reigned over the cottage.
"Eh," Spike said, "I never liked that bunny anyway." He dug back into his stew. A moment later, the others shrugged and kept eating.
Dark, ominous clouds swirled over the blasted ruins of Canterlot High.
Sunset Shimmer hovered in the air, a wind she herself was generating stirring her clothes. Her leather jacket had long since been discarded, and she had tied a torn, tattered school flag around her shoulders as an ersatz cape.
Down below, a dirty, bruised, battered, bleeding, dissheveled Twilight Sparkle stood, glaring up at her.
"SUNSET SHIMMER!" Twilight yelled.
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!" Sunset responded.
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
Trixie popped up out of a hole in the ground. "TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"TRIXIE, KNOCK IT OFF! WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A DRAMATIC SHOWDOWN HERE!"
"TRIXIE DOES NOT WANT TO BE LEFT OUT!"
"YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN THE STUPID THEME SONG, THOUGH!"
Off to the side, Principal Celestia and Principal Luna sat on folding chairs, drinking from a whiskey bottle.
"Are they ever gonna actually do anything?"
"It's an Akira parody. They're just gonna keep screaming at each other."
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"SUNSET SHIMMER!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"
"TRIXIE!"
"Like I said..."
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Aria Blaze Tries to Introduce Ash Ketchum to Mustadio Bunansa
"Ass Ketchup, this is Mustard Bananas."
"..."
"..."
"Mustard on bananas? Really? Because that sounds kinda gross."
"It's rude to make fun of somebody's name, Sonata."
"..."
"..."
"Pi pika pii..."
An insistent pounding on the door roused Rarity from a light nap on her lush velvet chaise lounge. She trotted to the door, somewhat grumpy, and opened it with her telekinesis.
Rainbow Dash stood, for want of a better word, on the other side. She was listing heavily to the left, and her eyes were bloodshot. Faint powdery smears dotted her muzzle.
Rarity frowned. "Rainbow Dash, is there something I can...do for you?"
"You can get out my way," Rainbow said, pushing past Rarity. "Gonna crash here for a bit." She staggered over to the chaise lounge; as she passed, Rarity caught a whiff of fermented apples.
"Ah...darling, I'd prefer if you not..."
Rainbow Dash flung herself onto the chaise lounge, facing the wrong way. Rarity cringed as Rainbow dug her back hooves into the expensive, delicate fabric of the headrest. "Mind if I stretch out?" Rainbow slurred, arching her back as she stretched out on the lounge.
"Ah...actually, Rainbow Dash, I..." Rarity coughed. "If you must, could you at least not...dig your hooves into the headrest? It...it is rather..."
Rainbow kicked the headrest of the chaise lounge hard enough to dislodge the roll pillow.
"Really, Rainbow Dash, I must insist—!"
"Fuck yo couch, Rarity!" Rainbow Dash snarled suddenly, rapidly drumming her hooves into the velvet upholstery. "FUCK! YO! COUCH!" She punctuated each word with a hard kick. Rarity cringed as gashes rent themselves in the velvet.
"No! Please! Don't!"
"FUCK! YO! COUCH!" Rainbow repeated, slamming her hooves into the headrest. It gave a loud, sharp, crack; Rarity could only stare in horror as the once-pristine velvet headrest broke free, dangling limply from the end of the lounge.
"My chaise lounge!" Rarity cried sharply, sinking to the floor in shock.
"Buy another one, you rich motherfucker," Rainbow mumbled groggily, rolling over to face away from Rarity.
The next day, Twilight Sparkle forced Rainbow Dash to enter rehab.
Princess Twilight Sparkle, returning from giving a guest lecture at Ponyville Elementary, happened upon a bizarre spectacle.
Right smack in the middle of Ponyville, halfway between Sugar Cube Corner and Carousel Boutique, a dark brown bull lay on his back. The most notable thing about him was the massive erection he was sporting.
"What in the...?" Twilight wondered, drawing up a hoof. Why was some random bull displaying himself in the heart of Ponyville?
She was just about to investigate when something happened that caused her brain to seize up like a clock with jammed gears:
Rarity trotted curiously up to the bull, studied him with a tilted head, then propped her front legs up on his stomach, leaned in, and gave his dick a long, sensual lick. Licking her lips as she glanced around furtively, she dropped back to the ground and went back to her boutique.
Twilight's jaw dropped.
Pinkie Pie bounced up to the bull, looked around, smiled, hopped up onto his stomach, sucked his dick for almost a full minute, then bounced happily away, licking her lips with a huge grin.
A few minutes later, Fluttershy crept timidly up to the bull. Looking around fretfully, she cautiously hopped up onto his stomach and timidly licked the end of his shaft, just for a moment, before flying away with a guilty expression on her face.
Shortly after that, Rainbow Dash dropped out of the sky, landed on the bull, and took almost his entire shaft into her mouth, leaving it slick with saliva.
After Rainbow Dash left, Applejack galloped up the road. She looked at the bull, frowned, looked around, prodded him with a hoof, then crept up onto his stomach and licked him several times. She grinned lazily as she ambled away.
For over an hour, Twilight watched with sick fascination as many mares she knew from around Ponyville approached the bull, licked or sucked his stiff dick for a minute, and then left. None of them stuck around long enough to bring him to orgasm, and she had yet to see a single spurt of semen.
After Lyra and Bon Bon both gave the bull's dick a good tongue bath at the same time and left together, Twilight decided she couldn't stand it anymore. She HAD to know what was going on.
She approached the bull warily. By all appearances, he was unconscious. Indeed, he'd seemed to be unconscious the entire time the mares of Ponyville were giving him oral pleasure. She examined his member with a curious frown. It glistened with a slick sheen of spit from countless ponies.
Twilight knew that all the ponies in Ponyville were crazy. But they weren't this crazy. There had to be something to this. Something she couldn't discern just by observation. Tentatively, making absolutely certain nopony could see, she trotted up to the bull's side, raised her forehooves onto his stomach, and leaned close, her tongue lolling out of her mouth...
"Please, miss...I appreciate the gesture, truly, but...might you please summon a doctor? I've been like this for several hours and I'm in pain like you would not believe..."
Adagio Dazzle's left eye twitched as three young girls presented her with a cheese grater, a block of cheese, and bright, sunny smiles.
"What...?"
"C'mon, help us out!" Apple Bloom said in her annoying hick accent. "You're good at gratin' cheese, right? Ain't that whut yer name means?"
Adagio's lip curled, and a sound escaped her that was somewhere between an angry snort and a hard "K".
"Yeah, you even kinda look like cheese!" Scootaloo said. "We've got a lot of cheese to grate, so—"
Adagio's fists clenched; her nails dug into her palm. She trembled violently. "Listen, you little brats," she growled. "I'm only going to say this once. You're thinking of Asiago . My name is Adagio."
"Well...yeah...we know," Apple Bloom said. "An' that's some kinda cheese, ain't it?"
Adagio desperately wanted a machine gun. "Asiago is the cheese. Adagio is a music term."
"And a cheese, right?"
"I AM NOT A CHEESE!!"
At that moment, Rainbow Dash and Applejack wandered past. Rainbow Dash waved a hand under her nose. "You sure smell like one!" The two girls snickered and went on their way.
Adagio hung her head and stalked away, warding off the three freshmen with a single raised middle finger. She felt a headache coming on...
My Little Coney #1: Bad Hare Day
A wooden door creaked; sunshine and fresh, fragrant spring air spilled through as a butter yellow pegasus trotted into a cozy cottage on the edge of the woods. "Oh, Angel Bunny! Where are you?"
A cute little nose twitched as a long, white ear snaked up out of a straw basket suspended from the ceiling by designer silk ropes. The basket swung as the napping inhabitant lazily dug himself out of the cotton bedding to peer over the lip of the basket.
"There you are, my little bunny!" Fluttershy said, smiling happily. "I have something very important to tell you!"
Angel cocked his head and swiveled an ear to face her.
"Rainbow Dash wants me to help coach the sprint squad for the Equestria Games, so I'll be in Cloudsdale for about a week. I hate to leave all my critter friends for that long, but Rainbow Dash needs me, and I couldn't say no." She paused. "Oh, but, um, I found a new friend to keep you company!"
A cute, fluffy pink bunny peeked out of Fluttershy's mane, blinking bright blue eyes.
Angel hopped down out of his basket and stood at attention, ears fully upright.
"This is Babs," Fluttershy said. "The poor little thing's tree home has termites, so I offered to bring her home and let her stay here." She smiled, nudging the little pink bunny out of her mane with a wing. Babs hopped curiously forward and looked Angel over, nose twitching.
"Now, you be good to our new friend, Angel," Fluttershy said. "And make sure all the critter friends don't go hungry or thirsty while I'm gone. If you need any help, just go get Spike or Apple Bloom, okay?"
Angel nodded rapidly.
"Good! Well, I'll just check to make sure everything's fine, then pack a few things, and I'm gone."
* * * * *
One week later, Fluttershy glided to a stop at the edge of her front walk and trotted to the front door. She smiled at the thought of seeing all her critter friends again, especially Angel Bunny. She hoped that Angel and Babs had gotten along well and become good friends while she was away.
She opened the front door...
And screamed as she was carried almost all the way to Sweet Apple Acres on a fluffy tidal wave. She gasped, staring around in a wild panic, at the thousands of baby bunnies pouring out of her cottage.
"Yes, I do believe Angel and Babs became very good friends," she said flatly, blowing upwards on her bangs as bunnies flooded past her.
Author's Note
My Little Coney was originally intended to be a separate story starring Angel and focusing on the critters of Equestria, but I never quite got around to getting it off the ground. So unless I decide to resurrect it in its original form, it'll be consolidated into shorts for Pony Fails.
Aria, sprawled on the floor, stared up at Sonata, eyes wide with fear. "S-Sonata? Wha—"
The deafening report of a gunshot echoed off the walls, followed by the ringing of a shell clattering to the floor. Aria screamed and grasped her knee.
"Just shut the fuck up," Sonata said. Her usual attire had been replaced by unbuttoned cutoff jean shorts, a tank top, fingerless gloves, and combat boots. The gun in her hand was smoking, and she glared at Aria with cold, dead eyes. "I'm so fucking sick of your shit." She turned and stalked away.
"Wait! Sona—"
Sonata fired one shot behind her without even bothering to look. Half of Aria's head exploded. "Fucking cunt," Sonata spat, before lighting a cigarette and leaving.
Fluttershy Steps On A Nail
"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
"...oh...um...pardon my Prench..."
Ever since she'd randomly grown a dick, Scootaloo's life had changed in ways she never expected.
She'd become strangely popular at school. Miss Cheerilee frequently became distracted during lessons.
Sure, Diamond Tiara had teased her about it, like she teased her about her tiny wings, but without an attentive audience, she more often than not wandered off to pout. Meanwhile, Silver Spoon asked Scootaloo to go behind the schoolhouse with her almost every day.
The strangest part was that it was always unsheathed and fully erect. Her doctor said that should be a huge problem and probably wasn't healthy, but he couldn't find a thing wrong with her other than that she'd randomly grown a massive orange dick that never went limp, so he just advised her to go to the hospital right away if she ever felt pain or developed growths.
For all intents and purposes, Scootaloo had a fifth leg. And like any adventurous young pony would do, she played with it as often as she could.
Not the way Snips and Snails played with theirs . She had more imagination than that.
And so it was that Rainbow Dash was treated to the odd spectacle that would haunt her nightmares for years to come:
Scootaloo jumped her scooter up onto a steep rail and began grinding down; as soon as the scooter hit the rail, Scootaloo lifted all four legs off the board, using only her wang to balance.
Sometimes, there just isn't enough brain bleach...
Flash and Twilight were headed for the stairs when suddenly, with much loud, panicked yelling, Pinkie Pie and Rarity came tumbling down the stairs, butt naked. They landed on the floor at the couple's feet in a confused tangle of limbs.
Flash and Twilight stared at the two dazed, naked, entangled girls.
"Hey, you know what I could go for all of a sudden?" Flash said. "A strawberry-vanilla swirl milkshake."
Sonata Wants A Fucking Taco
"I want a fucking taco!" Sonata declared.
Adagio stared at her. "You just ate a taco."
"I want a fucking taco!" Sonata insisted.
"Okay, somebody needs a taco intervention," Aria said. "This is worse than the worst."
Sonata began stamping her feet. "I want a fucking taco! "
"Good grief..." Adagio massaged her forehead. "So just go get one already, you know where the taco place is..."
"No, no, no!" Sonata screeched. She pulled out her phone and brandished it at Adagio. "I want a FUCKING taco!"
Adagio stared, mouth agape, at the website of naughty adult toys Sonata was on, and the taco-shaped vibrator. "Oh, you want a fucking taco..."
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Twilight Sparkle Reads Princess Celestia's Diar...
"Twilight Sparkle? What are you doing in my bathroom? Peering into my private toilet? ...wait, I could've sworn I flushed that toilet...did you use magic to unflush...? You know what...nevermind. I just don't even want to know..."
A crowd of fillies and colts gathered around the center of the schoolyard to witness the most bizarre thing anypony in Ponyville had seen in at least ten minutes.
Somehow, Snips and Snails had gotten their dicks caught in a Chinese finger puzzle.
"Ah...Ah can't look away," Apple Bloom said, eyes wide. "Ah want to, but...Ah jes' can't!"
"Me neither," Sweetie Belle said, peeking through her hooves at the spectacle as the two unicorn colts struggled in vain to separate themselves.
"The more they pull, the gayer it gets," Scootaloo said.
"Yeah..." the others agreed.
The flash of a camera went off repeatedly as the Foal Free Press' photographer took picture after picture.
"Don't take pictures of that!" Cheerilee exclaimed in despair. "Just...NO!"
"Get off me, Snips! I have to pee, eh!"
"No, YOU get off ME, Snails! I gotta pee a lot worse than you!"
"You know, if you both pee at the same time, it might break that thing," Button Mash said from the sideline.
Snips and Snails stopped struggling and stared at him.
Everypony present took a moment to process that mental image.
"EWWWWWW," came the collective response. Whatever fillies weren't busy throwing up started throwing things at Button.
"Where'd they even find a Chinese finger puzzle?" Dinky wondered. "Ponies don't even have fingers..."
"That's what bothers you about all this?" Silver Spoon asked. "Not, 'why did they put their dicks in it'?"
"Well...they ARE idiots," Dinky pointed out.
"...point."
Flash studied the gooey marshmallow, chocolate, and graham cracker treat in front of him. The marshmallow was just golden brown, the chocolate half-melted.
"Ah!" Pinkie said suddenly, a wicked grin on her face. "I just remembered something good."
"What is it?" Twilight asked.
Pinkie smirked as she looked at Rarity. "Flashie-pants said something funny one time..."
"Really?"
"Uh-huh!" Pinkie giggled. "He said he'd like to see Rarity lying naked on a giant graham cracker, covered in chocolate..."
Twilight choked on her S'mores. Flash's eyes bugged out.
Rarity blinked. "Oh...my..."
"Duuuuude," Rainbow said, erupting into cackles.
Flash half-stood, slapping his palms on the table. "What day, what hour, what minute did I ever say that? " he roared.
Pinkie scratched her cheek, blue eyes wide and innocent. "Hmm, I wonder..."
Twilight stood up. Her eyes glowed with unbridled fury. "PERSONA!" she snarled.
Athena rose from Twilight, surrounded by an angry black haze, and cracked her knuckles.
Death is not a hunter unbeknownst to its prey...
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Country Girls Always Have Bigger Guns Than You
A warm, muggy summer night...
Crickets chirped. In the distance, owls hooted softly. Applejack was up late watching television, wearing nothing but an oversized T-shirt. After all, it was just her and Apple Bloom; Big Mac and Granny Smith were gone for the week. It was just too humid and too hot to bother with pajamas or underwear.
The doorbell rang. Frowning, Applejack got up off the couch and headed for the door, taking a moment to tug down on the hem of her T-shirt to make sure her privates were fully covered. She unlocked and opened the door...
The Soup Nazi stood on her porch, wearing nothing but thick, dark body hair and a huge smile. "PENIS FOR YOU!" he greeted boisterously.
Applejack's eyebrow twitched. She reached into the hats, bows, and shotguns closet next to the front door, pulled out her trusty twelve gauge, pumped it once, and unloaded a shell right into the Soup Nazi's groin. "No penis for you," she said. She slammed and locked the door, put away the shotgun, and went back to watching television.
"Thank you ever so much for looking after Opalescence for me, Fluttershy," Rarity said. "After pulling two all-nighters in a row on this order for Fleur, I was positively about to collapse from exhaustion."
"Oh, it's no problem," Fluttershy replied pleasantly. "I enjoy watching your pussy while you sleep."
Rarity spat out a mouthful of tea, irises shrunken to pinpricks.
"Goodness...are you alright?"
A cute, perky girl in her late teens, with deep blue eyes, long honey brown hair, and a generous chest, wearing an elaborate white dress with blue trim, stands next to a magical portal overlooking Equestria at various points throughout its recent history.
"Hello, everyone! My name is Nanoha, and I'm here to tell you why Twilight Sparkle and her friends have been using their magic of friendship the wrong way since the very beginning of the series!
"First, let's take a look at when they defeated Nightmare Moon. See that rainbow tornado thing they did? It's pretty and all, and I guess it kinda worked, but it didn't really do what it should've done. Here's how I, the expert on achieving friendship through defeat, would have done it!"
Nanoha steps through the portal, which ripples as she descends into the ruins of the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, landing in between the six mares from Ponyville and Nightmare Moon.
"RAISING HEART!"
Stand by ready.
"DIVINE BUSTER!"
Divine Buster.
"What--?" Twilight asks.
An enormous pink magical explosion engulfs Nightmare Moon...destroying more than half the castle in the process. When the smoke clears, Luna is lying unconscious at the bottom of a deep crater.
Nanoha jumps down into the crater and holds out a hand to Luna. "Wanna be friends?"
Luna opens her eyes...and cowers fearfully. "Y-yes...fr-friends...we-we're f-friends now...don't h-hurt me..."
Nanoha smiles brightly. "See? Friendship achieved! Now, let's move on."
Nanoha is standing in front of the portal again. This time, it shows Discord. "Discord's a tough customer. I don't think I like him very much. But I'm willing to be his friend anyway." Nanoha steps through the portal again...
"STARLIGHT BREAKER!"
Starlight Breaker.
The corrupted Ponyville explodes in a giant pink mushroom cloud. When the smoke clears, Discord is wrapped around Nanoha's arm, picking flowers for her.
"Friendship achieved! Let's see...who's next?"
Nanoha appears in Canterlot during the Changeling invasion.
"DIVINE BUSTER!"
Divine Buster.
Canterlot slides off the side of the mountain and crashes into the valley below. Chrysalis exchanges cell phone numbers with Nanoha.
"Friendship achieved!"
Nanoha appears in the frozen northern wastes. Sombra leers down at her.
"DIVINE BUSTER!"
Divine Buster.
Half the tundra melts into a gooey puddle. Sombra gives Nanoha a pair of bright, shining crystal earrings and blushes like a kid with a crush.
"Friendship achieved!"
Nanoha appears in Ponyville, facing down the corrupted Trixie.
"STARLIGHT BREAKER!"
Starlight Breaker.
Ponyville goes bye-bye. Again. So does Trixie.
"Oops. I guess I befriended her a little too hard... Oh well!"
Nanoha appears in between Twilight Sparkle and Tirek.
"Wait! Don't! I've got this, really!" Twilight shrieks.
"Nope! I'm gonna make a new friend today! PHOTON SMASHER!"
Photon Smasher.
The entire area is engulfed in blinding pink magic. A shockwave spreads out from the impact point, obliterating half of Equestria. When normal vision is possible again and the smoke and dust have cleared, a shriveled Tirek is drawing Nanoha's name in the scorched earth over and over again.
Nanoha smiles cutely. "See? That's how you make friends! Not with silly rainbows and friendship lessons, but with raw destructive force! "
Twilight lands next to Nanoha. "You need therapy."
Author's Note
Disclaimer: It's been years since I last watched Nanoha and I never watched past A's.
Pinkie Has Something To Show You...
Cranky Doodle Donkey opened his front door to find the perky pink party pony, Pinkie Pie, pronking in place on his doorstep. "Hello, Pinkie," he said.
"Hi Cranky!" Pinkie said. "Come with me, I've got something to show you!"
"Uhh...no thanks," Cranky said. "I don't really feel like going out right now..."
"But Matilda's already seen it and she loves it!"
Cranky rubbed his chin with his hoof, then sighed and shrugged. "Alright, let's go."
Pinkie led Cranky through the streets of Ponyville, out past the cow houses, out into the open pasture that lay beyond the edge of town. "Uhh, Pinkie...what exactly is it you wanted to show me?"
Pinkie turned and gave him a strange, half-lidded look. "My ass hole," she said.
Cranky blinked, stopping still, his knees locked. "Wh-what? Pinkie..."
"C'mon, donkey! Giddy up!" Pinkie exclaimed cheerfully. Before Cranky knew it, he'd been loaded onto a flatbed wagon. Pinkie hitched herself up to it, whinnied, and took off running.
"Pinkie, waaaaaaait!"
"No time!" Pinkie called. The wagon sped through the scenery, past increasingly sparse grasses, into the rockier terrain to the south of Canterlot. After almost an hour, she stopped, making a sudden sharp turn that swung the wagon around. Cranky reeled as he was nearly thrown from the wagon.
"Pinkie, watch out--wait, what are you--aaaaaah!"
Pinkie gave the wagon a sharp buck, which launched Cranky into the air. His eyes widened as he fell into a deep, rocky pit. He landed with a loud thump on dusty, rocky ground. With a groan, he looked around.
A dozen other donkeys and one mule were milling around in a twenty-foot-deep hole. There were piles of hay, cotton mattresses, and a buffet table loaded with cupcakes and treats and punch. In the middle of it all was a big pink sign that said:
WELCOME TO PINKIE'S ASS HOLE!
"She got you too, huh?" Matilda asked from behind Cranky.
Cranky sighed.
"Hey, at least there's cake," Matilda said.
Flash snickered as Gibson, the school's resident lecherous loser, got slapped by the pretty Neighponese exchange student. "Duuuuude," he said.
Gibson rubbed his face, wincing. "What went wrong?"
Flash's bandmate rolled his eyes. "You shouldn't have tried to flirt with her in Neighponese," he said. "You said her lips are the toilet of the stars."
Gibson frowned. "Well yeah, that's what I meant to say."
Flash and his friends blinked and stared at one another. Flash opened his mouth to say something, stopped, thought about it, then shook his head. "Nope." He slung his guitar over his shoulder and walked away.
Celestia awoke to a blinding silvery light shining right through her balcony window. It was so intense, it bathed the entire room in its luminence.
Groaning, she sat up in bed, shielding her eyes with a hoof. "What in the...?" She clambered out of bed and strode to the balcony, throwing the window wide.
The moon hung right outside her window, its full round countenance dwarfing the castle.
Her eye twitched.
She teleported into the palace kitchens, where she found her sister stuffing her face with Oreos. She took a deep breath...
"LUNA, STOP MOONING ME!"
Sunset Shimmer Gets Wormed
The Rainbooms sat together for lunch, as they always did. However, today, something was...off .
Sunset sat tapping a beat on the table with the fingers of one hand over and over again and humming to herself. Every so often, she'd belt out part of whatever she was humming. For several minutes, conversation at the table was virtually impossible over Sunset's endless litany of:
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"So, you guys wanna have a slumber party this weekend?" Rainbow asked. "We haven't had one at my place yet..."
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"Sure, that sounds like fun," Pinkie said.
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"I can bring the snacks, if you want," Fluttershy said.
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"Ah'll bring some apple cider..."
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"And I..." Rarity paused. She stared at Sunset.
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"Excuse me...Sunset Shimmer, darling..."
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"Sunset? Yoo-hoo, Shimmy-butt!" Rainbow said.
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"Umm, Sunset Shimmer? That's...starting to get very annoying..." Fluttershy said.
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"If you don't cut that out, you're liable to BE on fire," Applejack said.
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
Pinkie groaned, grabbed Sunset Shimmer's face, and yelled "KNOCK IT OFF!" Half the cafeteria stared at her.
Sunset blinked and looked around. "Huh?"
Rarity coughed. "Ahem. You seem...rather preoccupied, darling," she said.
"Oh...sorry," Sunset said. "I've just...kinda got this song stuck in my head..."
"WE NOTICED," the entire cafeteria said.
Sunset blushed furiously and ducked low in her seat.
After a long, awkward silence, Rarity shook her head. "So anyway, about the slumber pa—"
ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap ta-ta-tap "HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum hum HUM, hum hum hum hum SOUL ON FIRE..."
"OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!"
Author's Note
If you're wondering what brought this on:
Blame my aunt. She WILL. NOT. STOP. PLAYING. THIS. SONG. IN. THE. CAR.
And now I can't stop playing it either. Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
"Hey Scoots? How come we ain't never met your folks?"
"Yeah...you don't really talk much about your family, either."
Scootaloo sighed. "I'm sorry, girls. It's just...everybody in my family is a little, well..." She wiggled her stunted wings.
"Can't fly?"
"Huh? No, they can fly," she said. "It's just, well...we're all a little...disabled, in one way or another."
"Oh," the other two Crusaders said.
"I'm sorry, Scootaloo," Sweetie Belle said glumly. "We didn't know."
"Yeah, it's okay," Scootaloo said. "Anyway...you've all met my mom actually. It's just, you never knew she was my mom." She laughed. "Heck, sometimes she forgets she's my mom. She's not all there upstairs."
"That's awful!" Apple Bloom said.
Scootaloo shrugged. "Eh." Her wings buzzed. "Actually, thanks to her, I can do a neat trick with my eye." She conked herself in the head with a hoof, and her right eye slid out of focus, drifting lazily. "See? Now I look just like Mom!"
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle stared at Scootaloo, jaws dropped. "You don't mean your mom is--"
Scootaloo knocked herself in the head again, and her eye returned to normal. "Gotta go!" she said. "It's muffin night!"
Pirates of the Refried Bean: At Wit's End
"Is Sonata STILL in the bathroom?" Adagio asked with a frown.
"She's been in there for over an hour," Aria said sourly. "It's like the time she discovered the three-pound burrito special all over again..."
Adagio groaned, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Ugh. You know what? Forget this." She took a step back, then kicked down the bathroom door.
"Umm...it wasn't locked , Ada—"
Aria trailed off in horror as her brain struggled to comprehend the scene inside the bathroom. Adagio stared, wide-eyed and slack-jawed.
"What...the...fu—"
There were no words to describe the horrific scene inside the bathroom.
Mostly because the human mind isn't meant to process such things.
Neither Adagio nor Aria was entirely sure what they were looking at.
Whatever it was, for some reason it involved Sonata wearing a pirate hat.
And chanting.
"Part of the shit, part of the poo! Part of the shit, part of the poo! Part of the shit, part of the poo!"
Adagio and Aria backed away from the bathroom.
"I think I'm gonna go hide in a bottle of tequila until this blows over," Adagio said.
"Leave room for me!" Aria said.
"Part of the shit, part of the poo! Part of the shit, part of the poo!"
Big Mac Cusses Up A Storm
Big Macintosh sat the kitchen table, the farm's financial records spread out in front of him. He chewed on a pencil as he clicked beads back and forth on an abacus. "Need t' talk t' th' mayor about that Public Works tax," he said. "Ah know th' town's in th' red, but that there tax is killin' us."
Granny Smith poured a bag of sugar into a pot on the stove and stirred it.
Applejack trotted into the kitchen, poured herself a glass of water, and sat down across from Big Mac with it. "Well, Ah got th' golden deliciouses in th' cellar. Is Apple Bloom out with her little friends?"
"Eeyup."
"Wish she'd take a little more interest in chores. Ah could use th' help."
"Eeyup."
"Found anywhere we can cut what we owe in taxes?"
"Nope."
"Dang it. Ah was hopin' we could get a new wagon."
"Nope."
"What y'all yung'uns want fer supper?"
"How 'bout some fried okra an' tomatoes an' greens? We ain't had that in a while."
"You got it! Oh...you might hafta go do some shoppin'. Runnin' mighty low on a few things."
"Alright. Make a list, I'll go in a few minutes."
The beads on Big Mac's abacus clacked. The old clock over the door ticked.
Ice clinked in Applejack's glass as she set it down on the table.
"Welp, guess Ah'll get goin'. Need anythin', Big Mac?"
"Nope."
Granny started chopping okra into even rounds as Applejack put on her saddlebags, picked up the list, and headed for the door.
Author's Note
Get it? Cusses? Abacusses?
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #1
What do you call Big Macintosh hanging from a noose?
Nope on a rope.
G3 Rainbow Dash wandered into Ponyville. "Rainbows, darling!" she greeted the nearest pony. "Oh, and rainbows to you too, darling! Darling! Rainbows, rainbows darlings! Darlings, RAINBOWS!"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" A high-pitched scream of wind filled the air, growing louder, as the pegasus Rainbow Dash fell at mach speed from the sky, wind and sound and energy gathering around her before she plowed hooves-first into the soft, squishy torso of her predecessor.
The residents of Ponyville covered their eyes with their hooves as chunky bits of G3 Rainbow Dash splattered all over everything.
The one and only Rainbow Dash shook gore from her hooves and mane. "Yeesh. Celestia's flaming left teat that mare was annoying..."
On the train back to Ponyville, Princess Twilight Sparkle composed a report for Princess Celestia concerning the strange adventure she and her friends had just had. As she wrote, she narrated her letter out loud.
"...and regrettably, the perpetrator escaped--"
"She was pink," Pinkie Pie said.
Twilight halted, looking up. "Excuse me?"
"You said the purple traitor escaped. Starlight Glimmer was pink. Not purple."
"Her mane was kind of purple," Fluttershy said.
Twilight facehoofed. "Not 'purple traitor', Pinkie Pie. 'perpetrator'."
"Even if you say it like that, she was still pink. And I know pink."
"Actually, it was more of a light greyish heliotrope," Rarity chimed in.
"Not. Helping!" Twilight hissed.
"Why does it even matter what color she is?" Rainbow wondered. "She's a bad pony. Just say bad pony!"
* * * * *
Princess Celestia puzzled over the letter she had just received from Twilight Sparkle.
Regrettably, the light grey heliotrope bad pony who was in no way purple except for maybe her mane got away and we have no idea where she might be hiding. Please instruct the Royal Guards to be on the lookout for Starlight Glimmer. As an official Royal Decree--I can do that, right?--she is to be arrested and imprisoned on sight to stand trial for her crimes against friendship. Oh, and fashion. And muffins. Signed, Princess Twilight Sparkle and these other five crazy ponies that won't even let me write a letter in peace.
HAYBURGER OWNERS MAKE 800,000 BITS WITHOUT SELLING A SINGLE HAYBURGER
Restaurant Closed Its Doors After Threats, Earned More While Out Of Business Than While Operating
A Hayburger in Trotterton closed its doors and its owners went into seclusion after receiving angry threats following a press interview in which co-owner Righteous Cause stated she would never cater the wedding of a pony-donkey, pony-bovine, or other interspecies couple.
"If a pony and a donkey are getting married and they want to come in here and ask me to provide Hayburgers for the wedding, I'm going to have to say no," Righteous Cause told a reporter. The quote was picked up by every news agency in Equestria and carried to every press outlet from Fillydelphia to Las Pegasus.
Following the press statement, Righteous Cause was spit on by dozens of ponies and had angry hooves shaken at her by dozens others, and began finding lit bags of manure and insulting notes on her doorstep. She immediately closed her Hayburger, nailed her door shut, and hid from the public.
Conservative media mogul Shame Game learned of the story and set up a public collection fund to support Righteous Cause and her father. In less than a week, the fund collected 800,000 bits—more money than the Trotterton Hayburger establishment made in the last ten years.
Meanwhile, public donation drives for foals with terminal cancer, starving orphans, and ponies recovering from horrific disfiguring injuries have collected less than a third of that amount after over a year of aggressive fundraising.
Righteous Cause issued a statement that she would not be reopening her Hayburger, and is expected to retire to a remote part of Equestria.
Luna laid the paper down on the table with a frown. "Sister?"
"Yes, Luna?"
"Since when is it custom to reward ponies for making foals of themselves?"
Celestia shrugged. "Not even alicorns can cure stupidity, Luna."
Fillies Say The Darnedest Things
Rarity glared sharply at Sweetie Belle, who sat hunched down on the floor of her bedroom, her head hung and her lips quivering.
"I am MOST displeased with you, Sweetie Belle," Rarity said in a forbidding tone. "Most displeased indeed."
Sweetie Belle said nothing.
"Miss Cheerilee is very cross with you as well," Rarity said. "You are aware of this, are you not?"
Sweetie Belle nodded.
"Now, Sweetie Belle," Rarity said, "I would like you to repeat precisely what you said to a certain colt named Button Mash."
Sweetie Belle wouldn't look up at her. "clldmmvrfkr," she mumbled.
"I'm sorry, what was that? I couldn't quite hear you."
Sweetie Belle sighed. "I called him a motherfucker."
Rarity's eyes narrowed. "I see," she said. "And why, precisely , did you feel the need to call your classmate such a vile, reprehensible, insulting thing?"
Sweetie Belle looked up at Rarity. "Because I went over to his place to return a video game and caught him fucking his mother?"
Rarity blinked. "Seriously?" At Sweetie Belle's nod, she took a step back, raising a hoof, her cheeks pink. "Well. I...hmm." She opened her mouth to say something, stopped, started again, then frowned, stroking her muzzle with a hoof. "Hmm." She sighed. "You're still grounded, of course, but...hmm."
"Oh sure, Button Mash fucks his mother and I'm the one who gets grounded?" Sweetie Belle muttered, turning and flinging herself onto the bed. "Grown-ups suck..."
Ever since being kicked out of the Wonderbolts Academy in disgrace, Lightning Dust had fallen on hard times. Word had spread of her reckless nature and casual indifference to equine life, and few companies would employ her. Those that did rarely kept her on for long, citing "personality conflicts" with her co-workers and employers.
Faced with the prospect of being unemployed and having to drain her savings to survive, Lightning Dust decided to invest her bits in her very own sky taxi--a relatively new trend, short- to medium-range chariots for pegasi who were too tired/drunk to fly home, or earth ponies and unicorns who needed to get somewhere that was hard to reach by train and didn't want to book passage on an airship or use a hot air balloon.
She had been in business for several months when she received an urgent summons in the mail, calling her before the Cloudsdale Department of Chariots, Airships, and General Aviation.
The middle-aged pegasus mare at the service counter accepted her summons letter, rifled through a file, adjusted her spectacles, and frowned. "Yes...we're revoking your sky taxi's operating license."
Lightning Dust stared at her. "What? Why?"
The clerk scowled at her. "Your license number is offensive to other ponies," she said. She slid a photo in front of Lightning Dust, which depicted, albeit slightly blurry, the metal plate bolted to the back of her taxi:
370H55V
"Yeah, so?" Lightning Dust demanded, hooves on her hips.
Wordlessly, the clerk flipped the photo upside down.
"You have thirty days to apply for a new operating license," the clerk said. "After thirty days, if this license is still affixed to your taxi, you'll be arrested and your flight license will be revoked. Have a nice day, ma'am."
Lightning Dust stomped away angrily, scowling. "370H55V," she muttered under her breath.
Author's Note
Inspired by this news item .
The Rainbooms sat in Rainbow Dash's living room, wearing their usual sleepwear, watching Inuyasha.
"Argh! Why do they keep saying 'defiled'?" Sunset screamed, throwing a handful of popcorn at the TV. "Seriously! There's like, at least a dozen different words they could use there that are better than 'defiled'!"
"I know, right?" Fluttershy asked. "Desecrated, tainted, corrupted..." She shook her head. "The WAY they keep using it, too!" She blushed furiously.
"Yeah, it's like the writers are totally sick creepy perverts or something!" Pinkie complained.
From the TV, Kagome's voice called, "Naraku is continuing to defile his shard!"
"It's a pity we don't have any alcohol," Rarity said. "We could take a shot every time they say 'defile'..."
"We'd all be drunk in like, two minutes..."
"It's no use! He's still defiling him!"
"I'm about two seconds from defiling her face," Rainbow said.
"Why are we even watchin' this?" Applejack asked. "It's been suckin' for years..."
"Yeah..."
One day, Fluttershy was walking home from school when a man in a fox suit, with a blue bandit mask and gloves, crept stealthily up behind her. He stayed exactly five paces behind her, stopping whenever she stopped.
After two blocks, he started walking four paces behind her.
By the third block, he was three paces behind.
A block later, he was two paces behind...
Fluttershy stopped, turned around, and held a hand out in a blocking motion. "RAPER, NO RAPING!"
"Oh, MAN!" the man in the fox suit said, before turning around and going home.
Twilight's horn let off sparks and steam as she corraled yet another massive brown bear into the rolling wooden cage Big Macintosh was hauling around Ponyville. There were four other bears in the cage, and four similar cages full of bears lined up in a row near Town Hall.
"INCOMING!" Rainbow Dash yelled as she chased another bear toward Twilight, zapping it in the butt repeatedly with a small thundercloud. Twilight herded the bear into the cage, which Applejack slammed shut and locked.
"Where are all these bears even coming from?! " Twilight wondered, grabbing a cup of water and pouring it over her horn, which sizzled.
"I dunno, but maybe we'd better go see Fluttershy," Rainbow said.
As Big Macintosh dealt with yet another cage of bears, Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash galloped to Fluttershy's cottage...encountering six more bears along the way.
As they reached the cottage, another bear hurtled out of the front door, taking off in the direction of Ponyville. Staring after it, the three mares charged into the cottage, where they found all the animals in a frenzy.
"Angel, where's Fluttershy?" Twilight asked.
A frazzled Angel pointed a paw upstairs. They could just hear moaning and gasping coming from that direction. They bolted upstairs, zeroing in on the sound...
And screeched to a halt at the door to Fluttershy's bedroom.
Fluttershy lay on the bed, her body glowing red through her coat, sweat plastering her coat and mane to her body. She was pleasuring herself with a bear-shaped dildo; an empty bottle of honey lay between her hooves, and her tail was sticky with it.
Fluttershy let out a loud cry, and a full-grown brown bear exploded out of her sex, scattering Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack like bowling pins as it charged out of the cottage.
"What the f—" Rainbow muttered, righting herself and rubbing her head. She stared at Fluttershy; her irises and pupils had contracted to pinpricks. "Fluttershy, what...what's going on here?"
Fluttershy let out a shriek and disappeared under the bed. Only her eyes peeked out from the darkness. "Oh...girls...you startled me. Umm...oh my..."
"WHAT is going ON here?" Twilight demanded.
Fluttershy crawled forward slowly, blushing furiously as she gave her friends a nervous, sheepish smile. "Oh...well...you see...I felt like, umm...giving myself pleasure, and..."
"Nevermind THAT!" Twilight snapped. "The bears, Fluttershy! What—no, HOW—AAAAGH!"
Fluttershy eeped. "Oh...oh my...did I have a beargasm? I'm sorry. I...I didn't mean to..."
"A...beargasm?" Applejack asked. "Whut th' hairy hell's a beargasm?"
"Oh. Well. It's...sometimes, when I use honey and a certain toy, I...I come bears."
"You...come bears."
"Yes."
"Then all those bears we just spent the last two hours caging in town..."
"Yes."
Twilight, Rainbow, and Applejack looked at one another in varying degrees of incredulity, fascination, and nausea.
"Umm...well...alright then..." Twilight backed out slowly; Rainbow and Applejack were right behind her. "Good to know..."
They had just left the cottage when another bear hit Twilight upside the head.
For the first time since the entire bear incident began, she realized the bear was sticky.
"Twilight! Use Ziodyne!"
"Got it! ATHENA! "
Athena appeared above Twilight.
Her cheeks began to spark.
"PIIIII....KAAAAAAA....CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! "
Pinkie, Rainbow, Flash, and Rarity all stared at Twilight.
For a long time, nobody said anything.
Finally, it was Pinkie who broke the silence:
"Wat."
Maud stared at her younger sister, arms folded. "Would you like to talk about what went wrong this weekend, Pinkie?"
Pinkie, who was dressed as Excel, looked away, cheeks puffed out sullenly. "It wasn't that bad," she said.
"You got arrested."
"That wasn't my fault!"
"You shoved your panties in a priest's face."
"I thought he was a cosplayer!"
"You put three people in the hospital by having sex with them," Maud said with a frown.
"I got excited!"
Maud raised an eyebrow. "You scratched your anus. On stage. In front of a crowd."
"We were singing the theme song from Puni Puni Poemi!" Pinkie exclaimed. "I was just acting out the lyrics!" She frowned. "Besides, they liked it when I did that."
"But you went as Excel."
Pinkie looked away. "I wanted to sing the funnier one that had the line about my asshole itching."
"And what did you even do to Fluttershy to make her cough up real blood?"
"Uhh..."
"And why'd you make the most shy, insecure girl at CHS wear something that shows off that much of her breasts?"
Fluttershy, standing beside Pinkie, blushed. "Umm...actually, dressing up as Hayate was my idea..." She paused. "The blood thing wasn't, though." She frowned at Pinkie.
Pinkie rubbed the back of her head. "Look...mistakes were made...maybe I set a couple people on fire...but only a little! I mean, the sprinklers came on before anybody got hurt! "
"And what about making me put random things in my mouth suggestively?" Fluttershy asked.
Pinkie blinked. "Uhh...I didn't make you do that. You just...kinda did it."
"...oh." Fluttershy blushed. "Well then..."
"Pinkie, why did you do all this?" Maud asked. "What got into you?"
Pinkie shrugged. "It's because I'm a girl!"
"We noticed," Fluttershy said. "It's hard to miss when you're wearing a skirt that short and you lost your panties."
"I didn't LOSE them! I SOLD them!"
Maud sighed. "Pinkie...I don't think you should go to any more anime conventions."
A Message From Fluttershy
Umm...hello...excuse me...
I'm sorry for disturbing you, but, umm...well...
I really need to tell you something. If...if you don't mind.
Umm, well...the thing is...
I'd really like it if you'd stop masturbating on me and my friends.
I mean, it's...it's flattering and all, really, that you...umm...well actually it's kind of disturbing...
Anyway, it's...well...for one thing, it's just really rude to masturbate on somepony without asking.
And, well...it's...it's really nasty, and...and it stinks...and it's really hard to wash out of our coats and manes, and then it gets all crusty, and none of us can go to blacklight parties anymore...
So...umm...if you wouldn't mind...could you please not be a nasty pervert with me and my friends anymore?
Thank you for your time...I hope you're not upset with me...I'm just tired of finding this stuff in my mane...and on my face...and other places...
Author's Note
Deleted scene from chapter "2/25 (Th)".
Persona EG Omake #5
"Anyway...Pinkie, you asked me to come up with something special for Sonata's birthday. It's taken care of."
"Really? What is it, what is it?" Pinkie asks excitedly.
"You'll see..."
Pinkie pouts. "Hey! No fair keeping surprises from the party planner!"
"I don't wanna jinx it."
"Aww..." Suddenly, Pinkie sits bolt upright. I can almost hear a cartoony *sproing* noise. Her irises shrink to pinpricks.
"Pinkie? What--" Twilight asks.
"Somebody's masturbating!" Pinkie says quietly. "I'm gonna go see who it is!" She bolts for the door.
"What the fuck?"
"Pinkie, wait!" Twilight yells.
"What was THAT all about?" I ask.
Before Twilight can answer, we hear a shriek from downstairs. "PINKIIIIIIEEEEE!"
Pinkie pops back through the door, a huge smile on her face. "It was Rarity."
"Uhh...okay," Twilight says. "Good to know..."
The Rainbooms, the cutest, hottest girls at CHS, are lined up along the wall, naked.
You lick Twilight Sparkle's pussy. She tastes like a grape.
You lick Sunset Shimmer's pussy. She tastes like a peach.
You lick Applejack's pussy. She tastes like an orange. Weird...
You lick Fluttershy's pussy. She tastes like a banana. Probably because there's a banana in her pussy.
You lick Rainbow Dash's pussy. She tastes like a blueberry.
You lick Pinkie Pie's pussy. She tastes like a strawberry.
You lick Rarity's pussy. She tastes like a marshmallow.
You have licked every member of the Rainbooms.
You'd like to do more to them, but unfortunately, you're a very small dog...
Author's Note
This is entirely Zef's fault.
"Come on, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash cried. "This is an easy trick!"
The Twinkling Balloon pierced the clouds, Maud Pie leaning over the edge of the basket. "You're an easy trick," she said.
* * * * *
"Ugh!" Twilight groaned in frustration. "This doesn't make any sense!"
A book on her desk opened, and Maud Pie emerged from it. "You don't make any sense."
* * * * *
"What can I do for you today, Miss Rarity?" Lotus asked.
"Well, I'm in a dreadful hurry, so...just a basic wash."
Maud Pie sat up in the hot tub, cucumbers over her eyes. "You're just a basic wash."
* * * * *
Trixie stood in the cereal aisle, two boxes held in her aura. "Trixie cannot decide between the honey rice puffs or corn flakes..."
A box of cereal opened, and Maud Pie's head emerged. "You're a corn flake."
* * * * *
"Pinkie, you added too much sugar to the batter again..."
"Oopsie!" Pinkie giggled. "I'm such a silly filly!"
Maud Pie emerged from the bowl of batter. "You're a silly filly."
She blinked slowly.
"Oh wait. That's exactly what you said."
She blinked again.
"I'll go now." She disappeared back into the batter.
Pinkie shook her head. "I never should've taught her how to do that..."
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Aria Blaze Tries To Introduce Ash Ketchum to Flash Sentry
"Ass Ketchup, this is Ass Entry. You two should get along great! You've got the same name, and...and you're both gay, right?"
"HEY! I am NOT gay!"
"Really? With a name like Ass Entry?"
"I'm not gay either!"
"Pi pikachu!"
"Really? Because all those girls that throw themselves at you and you never even notice them..."
"...pika chu."
Big Macintosh Mounts Fluttershy
"Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay."
"Eeyup."
"Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay."
"Eeyup...eeyup...eeyup..."
"Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay."
"Eeeeyup...eeeyup....eeeeeeeyup..."
"Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay."
"Eee...eeeeeeeeeeYUP! EEYUP! EEYUP! EEEYUP!!"
"Yay. Yay. Yay. Yay."
"Eeyup..."
"Yay?"
"Eeyup..."
Perdedor sighed wearily as he trudged home from another long day of boring, repetitive work, rejection by girls, and general lack of excitement in his life.
What he wouldn't give, he thought, to have a girlfriend. To have a little excitement in his life.
To not have to go home, day after day, and masturbate to cartoon girls.
The one bright spot in his miserable life was My Little Pony. He watched the show, read the fics, spent hours online browsing images and fan videos.
"What I wouldn't give to have a cute girlfriend like Fluttershy," he mused to himself. "I wish I could date Fluttershy instead of dating my hand..."
The next morning, Perdedor woke up...
"Umm...excuse me...I think something...isn't quite right here..."
He looked down at his right hand, and it had turned into Fluttershy.
Pinkie comes downstairs wearing a Stormtrooper helmet. When we all look up at her, she starts to sing:
Because you know we searched that base Searched that base No Rebels! You know we searched that base Searched that base No Rebels! You know we searched that base Searched that base And it was booby traaaaaapped!
Sweetie Belle Eats A Dick
"Good afternoon, Sweetie Belle!" Rarity called as her younger sister trotted into the boutique, all smiles. "You look as though you've had a lovely day!"
"Mm-hmm!" Sweetie Belle said, beaming. "I ate a dick!"
"That's lovely wait what?" Rarity turned to fully face her sister, eyes wide and mouth agape.
"I ate a dick! I really liked it!"
Rarity pursed her lips. "You ate a dick," she repeated flatly.
"Yup!"
"In Ponyville. Somepony offered you a dick and you ate it."
"Uh-huh!"
Rarity's lips thinned and her eyes narrowed. "I see. And...who, pray tell, coerced you into eating a dick?"
"Mr. Cake!"
"I see..."
* * * * *
Rarity stormed into Sugar Cube Corner, snorting steam and pawing the ground. Her barrel heaved with rage. Her eyes fell upon Mr. Cake. "YOU!" she roared.
Mr. Cake blanched. "Err...yes? Is there some problem, Rarity?"
Rarity stalked up to the counter, eyes burning like the fires of Hell. "WHAT, precisely, did you do with my sweet, innocent, defenseless little sister?"
Mr. Cake blinked. "Huh? You mean Sweetie Belle? She was here a little while ago--"
"I AM WELL AWARE OF THAT, YOU...YOU FILTHY, DISGUSTING DEGENERATE!" Rarity slammed her hooves on the counter. "I heard all about you asking her to eat your DICK."
Mr. Cake's mouth worked wordlessly for a moment, his ears pinned behind his head. "Uhh...yeah," he said at length. He reached behind the counter and pulled out a brown dessert covered in currant and raisin, with a dollop of custard on the side. "It's an old recipe from Trottingham I've been dying to try. Spotted dick. Want one?"
Rarity blinked. "Spotted dick?" she repeated.
"Yes ma'am."
Rarity withdrew her hooves from the counter. A sheepish blush crossed her face. "Umm. Ahem. Aheh. It appears...I have made a slight...ahem...boo-boo..." She sampled the offered dessert. "Oh, this is quite excellent," she said. "I really must recommend this to all my friends!"
"Glad you like it," Mr. Cake said.
"Well...sorry for the...aheh...awkward misunderstanding," Rarity said. "I'll just...be going now...ta-ta!"
Once Rarity left, Mr. Cake rubbed his hooves together. "Heheheh. Soon, I'll have every mare and filly in Ponyville saying they ate my dick..."
Luna Does Inappropriate Things To Goats
Grover the Goat glowered grumpily as, with a girlish giggle, Luna giddily glued glitter all over him.
Billy bleated balefully from beneath a bunch of bananas balanced on his brow.
Ramsay ruefully rubbed his rose-red rump.
Lucifer listlessly licked at the lush lipstick Luna had lavished upon him.
Iron Will scratched his head in confusion. "Uhh...pardon me, Princess, but...why are you doing this?"
"I'm only trying to..." Luna pulled out a pair of shades and placed them on her face. "...get your goat."
"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaa," Grover groaned.
"So Button," Love Tap said as she laid dinner on the table, "I hear you're finally going to be in an episode again."
Button shrugged. "Yeah, but they just stuck me in there behind Sweetie Belle. You can't even see my face." He sipped his juice box. "Besides, who even cares if I'm there? They're letting Derpy talk again. Nopony's even gonna notice me..."
Love Tap smiled. "Oh, I'm sure they'll notice you, dear. Especially since, well...you said you'll be standing right behind Sweetie Belle, right?" She lowered her eyelids suggestively.
"GAH! Mom! It's a family show!"
"That's how I seem to remember making MY family..."
"So you're telling me that this foreign stallion managed to get every mare in Ponyville pregnant...in less than a week?! " Celestia cried.
Twilight Sparkle shrugged. "What can I say? American Pharaoh is fast." She shuffled her hooves. "So, uhh...he wants to meet you and Princess Luna..."
Celestia blinked. "And by 'meet' you mean..."
"Well I'll feel pretty silly being the only pregnant princess in Equestria."
Author's Note
Blame CNN International's unwaveringly sensationalist human interest reporting for this.
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Celestia and Luna Argue About Pointless Things #1
Two royal sisters stood in the entrance to a private bathroom in the most private, restricted part of Canterlot Castle.
"You just had to use a whole roll ," Celestia said.
"I did not use a whole roll!" Luna snapped. "And anyway, why do you assume this was my fault? You are following that ridiculous high-fiber diet that stuffy old mustachioed nuisance has set out for you..."
"Luna, you have clogged the toilet five times in the last month alone," Celestia said. "My expungence rituals are dainty, delicate, and reasonable! "
"Oh! Reasonable?" Luna scoffed. "You want to talk reasonable? The royal plumbers to this day recount the horrors of the Canterlog incident!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about--"
"You laid a turd the size of a full-grown mare," Luna said.
Celestia frowned. "Don't be ridiculous, sister." She paused. "It was no larger than a filly of Cutie Mark age, at best."
The toilet began vibrating, drawing the sisters' attention. Without warning, it exploded, spraying filthy yellowish-brown sludge and tainted water in every direction.
"Run?" Luna asked.
"Run," Celestia agreed. The two sisters took wing, fleeing the scene.
"This is still all your fault, you know," Celestia said.
"Enough, sister," Luna replied. "You have always been full of sh--"
An arrow cursor appeared, dragging Luna's muzzle into a floating trash can.
Vinyl Scratch idly dusted the counter of Ponyville's only record store as she waited for business to pick up.
The bell over the door jingled. Apple Bloom and Applejack walked in and trotted up to the counter.
"Do you have Violent Diarrhea?" Apple Bloom asked.
"APPLE BLOOM!" Applejack scolded. "That ain't no kinda question t' ask somepony!"
Apple Bloom tilted her head. "Uhh...it's th' name of a rock band, sis," she said.
Vinyl chuckled and levitated a record onto the counter. Beaming, Apple Bloom produced several bits and tossed them down, then tucked the record into her saddlebag. The two sisters left, Applejack making a very confused face.
A little while later, Scootaloo and her mother entered. Scootaloo buzzed up to the counter. "Do you have Sour Teat?" she asked.
"YOUNG LADY!" Scootaloo's mother snapped.
Vinyl made an 'it's all good' motion with her hoof and laid a record on the counter. Scootaloo's mother looked at the cover and blinked. "Ugh. Seriously?"
Scootaloo paid for her record, and they left.
Button Mash and his mother entered a short while later. Button hopped up onto the counter. "Do you have Skunky Twat?" he asked excitedly.
Vinyl tilted her head toward Love Tap, expecting some sort of parental outburst. Love Tap blinked. "What? I love Skunky Twat!"
Vinyl shrugged, produced the requested record, collected her bits, and waved goodbye to the latest customers.
Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon entered the store, giggling excitedly to each other. Diamond Tiara approached the counter. "Do you have Justin Bieber?" she asked.
Vinyl frowned and bucked them clear across the street.
Fluttershy Invents The Meme
Fluttershy giggled as she typed happily away at her computer, clicking her mouse as she added each final touch to her first true Internet masterpiece.
Yes, the Internet had finally come to Ponyville, and with it came so many opportunities. Sure, there were the chat rooms and the dating sites and the porn sites and the reams of actual useful information and lots and lots of cat pictures, but the Internet gave ponies the freedom to do things nopony had ever really thought of before.
Such as what she was doing at this very moment.
Learning HTML hadn't been easy. Learning Lunasoft Paint had been a little easier. And the inspiration for her masterpiece, well...
It was his own fault, really.
Done with her work, she painstakingly (and slowly, because broadband hadn't been invented yet) uploaded her hard work to her geocities.eq account. Once it was up and visible, she smiled and e-mailed the link to all her friends.
Then, she waited.
Within the first hour, the site had 6 hits. Not encouraging.
After six hours, it had a whopping 20 hits.
After a whole day, it had 99 hits.
By the end of the week, it had over 400 hits, and somepony had already copied her idea and made a new site.
Fluttershy sat at Sugar Cube Corner with her friends, enjoying a pleasant day.
"So Fluttershy," Rainbow began, "it's funny and all, but...I gotta ask. Where the hay'd you come up with something as crazy as 'Iron Will Ate My Balls'?"
Author's Note
Honk if you're actually old enough to remember "Mr. T Ate My Balls".
Dozens of colorful disembodied penises gathered around Ponyville's Town Hall, jumping up and down and muttering anxiously and angrily.
Above the crowd, a lavender penis with wings and a unicorn horn stood behind a podium. This penis was flanked by a white penis with a horn, a pink penis, a blue penis and a butter yellow penis with wings, and an orange penis wearing a brown Stetson, as well as three other penises with wings and horns: one pink, one white, and one dark blue.
"Okay everypenis, quiet down and listen up!" the lavender penis said in the voice of Twilight Sparkle. "I know you're all confused...I accidentally turned everypony in Equestria into a penis. I'm really sorry, and I'm working on a way to fix it! Just...just stay calm, everypenis!"
"Are you serious?" a cream-colored earth penis demanded.
"And you all complain about MY screwing up!" a grey penisus said.
"The horror! The HORROR!" the penis formerly known as Daisy cried before fainting.
"Ahem," the white penicorn began, "is there any chance of you clearing this up before I'm forced to design an entirely new fashion line based on...ugh...condoms?"
"I'm working on it, Rarity," Twilight promised.
"Twilight," Cadance said patiently, "you know I love you, right? But I've gotta say...you're kind of a dick."
"I agree," Luna said. "This is a dick move, Twilight Sparkle."
"How did this even happen , Twilight?" Celestia asked.
"Uhh...would you believe I was...dreaming about Flash Sentry?"
Everypenis tried to facehoof...but of course, couldn't.
* * * * *
"The GREAT! and POWERFUL! PRRRRRRIXIE! Is the biggest penis in all of Dickquestria!"
"Umm...I'm an inch longer than you," Fluttershy said testily.
"PROVE it!"
"Take off your hat."
"...Prixie refuses."
* * * * *
"So...how do I get harder?" Rainbow Dash wondered. "I need to be about twenty percent harder."
Author's Note
This is NOT what I originally had planned for the 100th Pony Fail.
But I like it better. And it was easier to pull off.
A royal courier hauled a wagonload of responses from ponies far and wide into the throne room of Canterlot Castle, where Celestia and Luna sat reviewing petitions.
Luna tilted her head curiously. "What is all this, sister?"
"Oh, that's right...you're usually asleep when I'm processing RSVPs to the Gala," Celestia said. "It's a bit silly, but the nobles and guests have this tradition of responding to Gala invitations with tokens of appreciation." She chuckled. "It's a misguided attempt to curry my royal favor."
Luna groaned. "The one thing I dislike most about life in Canterlot is the nuisance nobles," she said. "Especially that buffoon Blueblood."
Celestia sighed. "Yes...well." She cleared her throat. "Let's see what we have today, shall we?" A pink bag bursting with streamers floated off the pile. When Celestia opened it, it went off with a FWEE! and shot a dozen balloons and an explosion of confetti into the air. A little construction paper cutout of Pinkie Pie flipped up out of the bag, holding a note:
Sorry, Princess!
Be sure to let me know what crazy scheme you come up with to annoy everypony this year, though!
Love,
"That's disappointing," Celestia said. "But...I respect her reasons." Shrugging, she set the response from Pinkie aside and floated a card off the pile that bore Twilight Sparkle's Cutie Mark. She frowned. "Strange...why didn't she send her response via Spike?" She opened the envelope and withdrew a single lavender card, lettered in neat hornwriting:
Dear Princess Celestia,
To put it frankly: Watching you intentionally create havoc at the expense of other ponies to liven up the dullest, least interesting affair in the Equestrian social calendar is wearing a little thin, and I'd rather not be around to find out how you plan on topping last year's stunt with Discord.
Have fun destroying your own castle! Again!
Respectfully yours,
Celestia's eyes were wide. Luna blinked. "Oh my," she said. "Twilight Sparkle sounds...most displeased."
Celestia shook her head and sighed. "I suppose I deserved that..." Setting the card aside, she next chose a bright white bag with a coiled purple ribbon. There was a card attached, which she removed and floated to her sister. As Luna opened the card, Celestia opened the bag. She peered inside; her brow furrowed. "It's empty."
Luna giggled. "It's from Rarity," she said. She cleared her throat and imitated the fashionista's distinct accent:
Dearest Princess Celestia,
Enclosed you will find my dignity. It IS what you want, is it not?
Yours,
Celestia blinked repeatedly.
In the next package, she found a rotten, worm-riddled apple and a card that simply said, "Nope!"
"That would be from Applejack," Luna remarked, smirking.
Next was a box wrapped in sky blue paper. When Celestia opened it, a tiny thundercloud floated out and spat lightning at her, sizzling her mane.
"Rainbow Dash," Luna said, covering her muzzle with a hoof. Celestia frowned.
The next package Celestia unearthed was a wicker basket with air holes and a yellow ribbon. A butterfly-shaped card was attached. "This would be from Fluttershy, I assume," Celestia said. Hesitantly, she opened the basket...
A vampire fruit bat fluttered out, screeching and slapping Celestia around the ears with its leathery wings. Celestia screamed and thrashed around. "GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!"
Luna rolled around on the floor, laughing.
Once the bat finally got tired of pestering Celestia and flew away, the sun princess shook herself down, took a deep, cleansing breath, and sighed. "Well...I suppose I shouldn't bother inviting Twilight and her friends to the Gala again."
"I...think not, yes," Luna said, giggling.
Celestia's ears folded back. "Well...at least the rest of these will be normal noble tributes." She fished around in the cart and levitated out a large brown paper bag, tied closed with fishing line that had an actual fish on a hook hanging from it.
Luna's ears perked up. "How...strange..."
"Discord," Celestia said with a tired sigh. Shaking her head, she opened the bag...
A rancid smell filled the air. "EUGH!" Luna cried, covering her muzzle. She peered warily into the bag. "Is...is that...dog vomit?"
"I believe so," Celestia said.
The dog vomit burst into flames.
Celestia watched it burn. "The Gala's going to suck this year," she said sadly.
Author's Note
People have been asking me for years why I don't write Digimon crossovers.
This is why.
Failmon
"Uhh...Sonata...what are you doing?"
Sonata gently laid a large russet potato on a baking dish on the kitchen table. For some reason, she'd attached large, shiny button doll eyes to the potato and drawn a rabbit-like mouth on it with a Sharpie. She'd even given it "whiskers" made of weedwhacker line. Nodding satisfactorily, she put an old baby carrier on her head, then pulled on a pair of comically huge Mickey Mouse gloves. Taking a step back and smirking victoriously, she pumped a fist.
"Potatomon! Digivolve to...BAKEDPOTATOMON!"
She unceremoniously kicked the potato off the table and replaced it with a steaming loaded baked potato that had black olive "eyes" and bacon "whiskers".
Aria facepalmed.
Flash stood outside an Applewood Dorm which had been completely overhauled into a dusty, gritty dive covered in gaudy neon signs, with oil drum firepits burning out front. Flash himself was covered in grease and grime and wearing a dusty leather jacket.
"Step right up to the Apple Picker!" he called out. "We've got pink pussy, purple pussy, white pussy, blue pussy, yellow pussy, orange pussy, quiet pussy, married pussy, pussy pussy!"
"El Rey marathon," Rainbow said with a scowl, arms folded. "Real good idea, Pinkie Pie."
"Heheh...oops?"
"Umm...girls? I can't seem to find my snake," Fluttershy said.
The Mane Six stared up at the wrinkled creature hovering above them. It was a giant bee wearing a hideous sweater. It had a creepy, clownish smile. Its head was covered with coarse grey bristles. Its segmented body was striped black on brown.
"Oh no," Fluttershy whimpered. "This is terrible..."
"It's a giant bee," Rainbow Dash said. "How bad could it be?"
"This is no ordinary giant bee," Fluttershy said. "It's...it's a Cos Bee."
"Okay...? So what's a Cos Bee?"
"It..." Fluttershy gulped. "It pumps you full of paralytic venom...and then it does...things to you..."
The Cos Bee opened its mouth and hissed. A thick, goopey brown mess sprayed out of its mouth, splattering all over the six mares.
"It also spits pudding."
"Man, I'm beat," Rainbow Dash groaned, sagging limply in midair. "I could sleep for a week!"
"Oh, you poor thing," Fluttershy said. "You can rest at my place if you're too tired to fly home."
"Thanks." Rainbow yawned and landed, trudging beside Fluttershy. They were only a few minutes away from the cottage, but Rainbow's exhaustion and sluggish pace made the trip feel as though it took hours.
Once they arrived, Fluttershy turned down the guest bed for Rainbow. Rainbow stretched like a cat, cracking a huge yawn. "Ugh," she grunted. "I gotta poop, but I'm too tired to go to the bathroom. I just wanna go to sleep..." She yawned again. "But I don't wanna have an accident on your bed..."
Fluttershy's muzzle crinkled cutely. "Hmm," she said. "Well, when bears are about to hibernate, they create sort of a natural plug that keeps them from making a mess while they sleep away the winter..."
"Gross," Rainbow complained.
"Oh, but...you don't really have time for that, and...can't do it anyway because you're not a bear...hmm..." Fluttershy thought for a moment. Then, with a suddenly bright expression, she shot into the air. "Be right back!"
Fluttershy swooped downstairs, returning a minute later with a large wine cork in her hoof. Rainbow stared at her with a horrified expression. "Uhh, Fluttershy? What are you—"
Fluttershy lifted Rainbow's tail and shoved the cork up her butt. "YEEP!" Rainbow squeaked, eyes bulging.
With a bright, motherly smile, Fluttershy patted Rainbow on the head. "Sleep tight, Rainbow Dash!"
A week later...
Fluttershy hummed happily to herself as she strolled to the bridge over the stream in the meadow that would lead her into town to do the day's shopping. It was a bright, sunny day, the birds were chirping, there was a nice cool breeze, and...
*THOK!*
A cork bounced off Fluttershy's head, causing her to freeze in her tracks, wobbling in place on her hooves. Her irises shrank to pinpricks in her wide, startled eyes.
"Goodness...Rainbow Dash must have just woken up..."
Shaking herself, Fluttershy continued on her way into town. "I'd probably better buy some more toilet paper..."
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #3
Hours after the wedding of Cranky and Matilda, long after the sun had set, the Mane Six were resting at Sugar Cube Corner, enjoying a nice relaxing drink and some cupcakes, when Pinkie suddenly said, "Hey! Hey, guess what!"
"What is it, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.
Pinkie grinned wickedly. "Right now, Cranky Doodle's getting himself a piece of ass!"
The others blinked at her, then at each other.
"AUGH!!"
Pinkie rolled around on the floor laughing.
Discord Gets Burned (Again)
Fluttershy stared at Discord's...injury with equal parts flustered embarrassment, deep shock, and severe concern for her chaotic friend. "Wh..what HAPPENED?" she cried in a harsh whisper, covering her face with her hooves.
"Would you mind...helping me out here first?" Discord asked in a strangled voice.
"Umm...oh my goodness..." Fluttershy's face turned red. "I...I wouldn't even know where to begin..."
"Some ice and some salve, possibly?" Discord suggested. "I'd fetch it myself, but I'm in a bit too much—agh!—pain to use my magic..."
"Oh...you poor thing...alright, I'll help right away..."
Several tense, awkward minutes passed as Fluttershy administered first aid to the best of her abilities, trying desperately not to think too hard about what she was administering aid to . Once Discord was tended to and resting comfortably, Fluttershy asked, "So...what...exactly...umm...if you don't mind..."
Discord grimaced. "I had a date with Celestia," he said.
Fluttershy blinked. "Okay...and...?"
"Well, things got...intimate..."
Fluttershy's blush deepened. "Oh my." She frowned. "But I still don't get how—"
"IT'S LIKE I STUCK MY DICK IN THE SUN!!" Discord cried suddenly. "I seriously wasn't prepared for that! How does she not incinerate anything she sits on?!"
Fluttershy blinked repeatedly. "I...don't think I really needed to hear that..." She frowned. "Although that would explain a few things..."
"Such as?"
"Oh! Nothing, nevermind...you just lie there and rest and, umm...let's pretend none of this ever happened, okay?"
Zecora ground her teeth as an obnoxious, pounding noise filled her house. She muttered several choice curses in Stripehili under her breath, then stalked into her daughter's room.
The young zebra filly was dancing in place, shaking her rump, and singing along to music pounding out of a boombox. Zecora's eye twitched at the words coming out of the horrible "singer's" mouth.
Suck-ass nigga! Fuck-ass nigga! Duck-ass nigga! Get off da truck ass nigga!
"ZECRETIA!" Zecora snapped loudly, stomping a hoof. "I demand you cease this terrible din! You have no idea how much trouble you are in!"
Zecretia flicked her ears. "Whaaat?" she whined. "I'm just listenin' to Whoa Nelly!"
"I have told you before, and I will tell you once more: you are not permitted to listen to this noise I abhor!"
"But that's not FAIR!" Zecretia cried.
"Fair? FAIR?" Zecora narrowed her eyes. "That profanity-laden garbage you call music is enough to make me completely sick!" Zecora shook her head and began to pace and rant, shutting off the music as she did so. "He objectifies mares and glorifies hate! His rhymes are at best third-rate! His songs preach of violence and sex and poor choices! It is not fit for ponies, zebras, griffons, or hoices!"
Zecretia raised an eyebrow. "Hoices?"
Zecora let out a tribal profanity with a snarl. "UGH! I am so angry, I cannot even rhyme properly!" She kicked her daughter's boombox with enough force to snap it in half.
"MOM!"
"Enough! To bed with you, we will discuss this tomorrow!" She paused. "Wait. Was that music player borrowed?"
"Yes."
"...oops." Zecora facehoofed.
Foals Being Silly In The Bathroom
Author's Note
Because each and every one of us did something like this, or something equally as silly, in the bathroom when we were kids.
(Also, please refrain from linking the Baby Plucky video in the comments. Everybody's seen it, everybody knows it.)
Foals Being Silly In The Bathroom
Scootaloo sat on the toilet, placing her portable radio on the towel rack above her and turning it on. A pounding beat poured out of the radio. Grinning, Scootaloo grabbed her mother's hairbrush and used it as a pretend microphone as she sang:
Thiiiis is hoooow we pooooo iiiiiit!
(This is how we poo it!)
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-whoa!
(This is how we poo it!)
Yeah yeah, whoa-oh-oooh!
(This is how we poo it!)
This is how we poo it, it's Friday night! And I feel alright! The potty's under my backside!
* * * * *
Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake sat on either side of the toilet, an array of objects surrounding them.
Pound pulled about a foot of toilet paper loose from the roll by the toilet and fed it into the bowl, then flew up and pushed the flush level. "Toilet pater go down the hoooole!"
Pumpkin giggled and clapped her hooves. She floated a box of bandages out of the medicine cabinet and dropped it in the toilet. "Boo-boo go down the hooooole!"
Pound eagerly hit the flush lever, and the box of bandages swirled down the drain...
* * * * *
Button Mash poked his head around the corner, peering cautiously into the hallway.
His eyes narrowed mischievously. A wicked grin split his face.
"Shit ninjaaaa," he stage-whispered to the empty hall.
Quick as a blink, he darted down the hall, freezing halfway to his goal. He splayed himself flat against the wall, looking carefully in both directions, then stealthily zipped the rest of the way to the bathroom. He opened the door a crack, peeked in, backflipped away, then leapt forward and somersaulted through into the empty bathroom.
"Shit ninjaaaa!"
* * * * *
Oh, I'm flushin' because
(This is how we poo it!)
Scooty does it like nopony does, nopony does! Oh, it's potty time! Straight up comin' out my backside!
* * * * *
Button flushed the toilet, then leapt straight up and clung to the ceiling.
He waited several tense moments until the sound of the water tank refilling abated, leaving the bathroom still and silent.
Dropping to the floor, he threw a smokebomb at the ground, filling the bathroom with a cloud of ninja smoke.
Back in his room, he grinned triumphantly, striking several karate poses. "Shit ninjaaaa!"
"Did you wash your hooves?"
Button stopped and craned his head around slowly to look at his mother. "Umm..."
"Go wash your hooves, Shit Ninja."
Button's head drooped. "Yes Mom..."
* * * * *
"Ticken go down the hoooole!" Pound declared as he flushed Pumpkin's favorite squeaky chicken down the toilet.
Pumpkin let out a wail of protest.
The bathroom door flew open. "Pound? Pumpkin? What are you—" Pinkie paused, eyes wide in horror. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF PINK?!"
Pound and Pumpkin blinked at her, then looked at each other.
"Bao?" Pound suggested.
"Baboo," Pumpkin agreed. The twins' eyes glittered mischievously.
Pinkie took a nervous step back. "Uhh...what are you—"
Pumpkin's horn began to glow. "PINKIE GO DOWN THE HOOOOOLE!" the twins chorused cheerfully.
"Hey, noWAAH!" Pinkie was yanked into the air by Pumpkin's magic. She struggled to free herself, but it was no use; she quickly found herself stuffed rump-first down the toilet.
The twins laughed. Pound flew up to the flush lever...
Hooves folded and eyes narrowed in annoyance, Pinkie blew on her forelock. "No, don't bother, I'll get it," she said. She reached up and pushed down the lever. Her annoyed, put-upon expression never left her face as she was sucked into the depths of Ponyville's sewer system...
My name is Deep Trot, and I'm a pig on the lam.
You may think Ponyville is a paradise—clean air, fresh grass, plenty to eat for everypony—but I'm here to tell you it's a nightmare. An absolute nightmare.
If you could see what I've seen, if you could hear what I've heard...if only you knew what I know...you'd be terrified of equines. Absolutely terrified.
Unfortunately, the truth falls on deaf ears. I've tried to rally supporters. I've tried to convince my fellow creatures of the evils that the equines are capable of. But they choose to remain blind to reality...
My name is Deep Trot, and I'm a pig on the lam.
"Hey Applejack, Deep Trot's ridin' 'round on that there lamb again!"
"Aw, let 'im be, Apple Bloom. He ain't hurtin' nothin'."
A pale-skinned, androgynous homunculus with long quills of greenish-brown hair, wearing a skintight leather halter top and miniskirt, screamed over and over again as a certain hardy ranch stallion by the name of Braeburn enthusiastically railed him hard in the asshole.
"YEE-HAW!" Braeburn yelled. "This here's how we git 'er done in AAAAAAAAAAPLELOOSA!"
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #4
"So a horse walks into a bar," Rainbow Dash began, snickering.
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Oh brother, here we go," she said.
"Dashie, that joke is so old Chancellor Puddinghead was tired of it," Pinkie Pie said with a groan.
"Oh yeah?" Rainbow Dash challenged. "Then how about you come up with a better one!"
"Okay!" Pinkie sat up, eyes bright. "So a dickhead walks into a bar..." She grinned viciously at her friends. "And the bartender says, 'why the dong face?'"
Two seconds passed. Applejack blinked once, then twice.
Rainbow Dash fell over. "AAAAAAAAUGH!"
"Pinkie dear, I know you miss Cheese Sandwich, but...doing that with an actual cheese sandwich isn't healthy. Or sanitary. And I'm not entirely sure it's even legal.
"...OH SWEET CELESTIA DON'T EAT IT! "
Sunset Shimmer sighed as she flipped through a scrapbook of her shameful, horrible past. She winced at a particular picture of her harassing some freshmen while Flash Sentry looked on with a disgusted expression. "No wonder you dumped me," she said. "I really was the worst."
Flash shrugged. "That...actually wasn't why I dumped you," he said.
Sunset looked up at him and blinked. "Huh? I always thought..."
"I mean yeah, you were kinda the biggest bitch in school, but that's not why I dumped you," Flash said indifferently.
Sunset frowned. "But then...why?"
"Because you wouldn't put out."
Sunset stared at him in disbelief.
Flash snorted. "What, you think I'd have put up with your shit if I wasn't after your body?"
Sunset punched him in the nose and stalked off.
Nightmare Night had arrived once more, and Ponyville's celebration was in full swing. Twilight was dressed up as Future Twilight, Pinkie was wearing a dog costume, Rainbow Dash was dressed as Ahuizotl, Rarity was a sensual vampire queen, and Applejack was wearing a black suit and sunglasses, dancing around singing a song about clowns and jokers.
"Anypony seen Fluttershy?" Rainbow Dash wondered.
Suddenly, a tree walked up to them.
The group stared at it. Fluttershy's eyes blinked at them from the tree's trunk.
Rainbow facehoofed. "Seriously? The tree costume? Again?"
"Didn't you already use that one last year?" Twilight wondered.
Fluttershy's eyes shifted back and forth among them.
Then, in the comically deep voice of Flutterguy, she said:
"I am Groot."
I wake up to find Pinkie Pie stroking my dick, getting it hard. Not that it takes much first thing in the morning.
I look down at her. Noticing I'm awake, she smiles impishly...
...and puts a little spiky red wig on the end of my dick.
"Good morning, Crono!"
"Here's your mail, Princess!"
"Thanks, Derpy."
"I wish people would stop calling me that. It's not my name, you know."
"Oh...I'm sorry. I...I didn't know."
"It's okay, nobody does."
"So, umm...what is your name?"
"Tubby Farts."
"..."
"Because my special talent is--"
"I get it, yes."
"Hmm, I guess it's kinda hard to tell from my cutie mark, huh?"
"You know what? I think I'll stick with Derpy."
"Aww. Okay. See you later!"
Applejack: "Hey uhh...Flash? Whut's with them funky green glasses? An' why y'all got on a buncha weird Chinese rings?"
Flash Sentry: "Be silent, country peasant! I am not Flash Sentry. I am THE MANDARIN!"
Pinkie Pie: "...like the orange?"
Fluttershy: "Poor Flash...I think all those Personas finally broke his brain."
Flash Sentry: "BOW BEFORE THE MAKLUAN EMPEROR!"
Rainbow Dash: "Yyyyyeah I'm just gonna kick him in the nuts now."
Twilight Sparkle: "Sorry about this, Flash..."
The next day, Flash woke up strapped to a gurney in a mental hospital...
GAME OVER
Author's Note
Fun fact: Vincent Tong played Gene Khan/Temugin/the Mandarin in Iron Man Armored Adventures . I didn't realize it until like ten minutes ago.
Photo Finished: Deleted Scene
Sunset Shimmer recoiled, eyes wide in surprise and horror, as the door to the bathroom stall burst open. Red glasses, bobbed white hair, and a camera with a ridiculously long zoom lens filled her vision.
"YES! PEE! PEE!! " Photo Finish said as her flash went off...
Sunset Shimmer screamed and threw the entire roll of toilet paper at her.
"ENOUGH! I GO!"
"Happy 100th birthday, Scootaloo!"
Karaoke night with Twilight, Cadance, and Shining Armor...
An old college friend of Shining Armor's has joined us tonight.
I can't help but stare. The guy's a tree.
No, I'm not being figurative. I'm not trying to say he's tall.
He's literally a tree . As in, he's made of wood.
"Uhh...Cadance?"
"Yes?"
"Shining Armor...went to college...with a tree? "
"Yes. Yes he did."
Up on stage, Shining Armor's tree friend picks up a microphone. The music starts...
"I-III AM GROOT! I-III AM GROO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! IAMGROOT!!"
"Wat."
"I AM GROOT, I AM GROO-OOT! I AM GROOT, I AM GROO-OOT! I AM GROOT, I AM GROOT!"
Longest, strangest karaoke night ever...
The next day, Onchi Karaoke burns down under mysterious circumstances.
Luna snuck up behind Celestia, who was about to cut into a large slice of triple-layer vanilla cake with rich buttercream frosting and strawberries on top.
Just as the fork holding the first luscious bite reached Celestia's lips, Luna broke into song.
"The sun is a mass of flaccid equine ass, A gigantic Celestial anus!"
Celestia dropped her fork, took a deep breath, and turned to give Luna a heavy-lidded stare. "Must you?"
Luna giggled and teleported away. Celestia sighed, looked back at her cake, then dipped her head.
"Forget it. The moment's gone..."
Twilight looked up at the chandelier above the map, smiling at all the precious memories from her life in Ponyville with her friends.
As memories twinkled past of the time Applejack learned to swallow her pride and accept help from her friends, followed by memories of the craziness that ensued when Twilight had two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala, Twilight frowned as a memory surfaced.
"Hey," she said to herself. "HEY!"
In a flash, she teleported to Sweet Apple Acres.
As soon as her surroundings were replaced by fresh air and the sweet smell of apples and hay, she homed in on Applejack and teleported right in front of her just as she was about to buck a tree. Applejack's hooves collided with alicorn flesh as hard as iron, and she toppled to the ground.
"Applejack, a moment, please," Twilight said sternly.
Applejack sat up and woozily adjusted her hat. "Uhh...sure, sugarcube," she said. "Whut can Ah do ya fer?"
Twilight began to pace in a circle around Applejack. "Remember when it was applebuck season, back when I first came to Ponyville?"
"Uhh...Ah reckon?"
"Remember how you insisted on bucking the whole Acres all by yourself, without any help from your friends, until you wore yourself out to the point of exhaustion and drove all your friends crazy? "
Applejack scratched her head. "Aheh...yeah...that does ring a bell."
Twilight stopped and spun around, giving Applejack a stern glare. "Now...remember about two weeks before that?"
Applejack tilted her head. "You mean when Nightmare Moon showed up an' we kicked her flank with th' Elements of Harmony?"
Twilight shook her head. "No, not that. The day Celestia sent me those tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala and everypony drove me crazy trying to do favors to get me to give them the extra ticket?"
"Oh. Yeah. Heh." Applejack's ears wilted. "We kinda acted like real bad friends, huh?"
"Well, yes, but that's not my point." Twilight's wings flared out. "Do you remember what we were doing when I got those tickets from Celestia?"
Applejack's brow furrowed. "Twi, that was durn near four years ago ..."
"I was helping you harvest apples," Twilight said. "And do you remember why I was helping you harvest apples?" Before Applejack could open her mouth to answer, Twilight said, "To win a stupid bet with Big Macintosh!"
Applejack blinked.
"You wouldn't accept your friends' help when your stubborn pride was on the line, but you had no problem whatsoever asking me to help you cheat on a bet with your brother! " Twilight ranted.
Applejack's ears twitched. "...huh," she said.
"Well?" Twilight said impatiently, eyes narrowing.
Applejack chuckled nervously. "Aheh...oh shoot, look at th' time! Ah gotta go pick Winona up from school an' iron Apple Bloom. Later, Twi!"
She ran off as fast as her legs would carry her.
"AAAAAAPPLEJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!"
Sugarcoat Interferes In Dipper's Love Life
Dipper securely laced up his Velcro-soled shoes and walked out onto the "floor" of the Upside-Down House. Across the room, he spotted a girl slightly older than himself, with frost-blue hair and small, elongated glasses. Her twin ponytails were hanging toward the "ceiling" below.
"Alright, kid," Grunkle Stan's voice said in his head. "This is it. Be confident."
Dipper approached the girl and cleared his throat. "Hi, I'm Dipper. Crazy place, right?"
The girl turned and gave him a flat, annoyed expression. "It's a lame tourist trap. I'm older than you and so not your type. Also, this whole sad flirting on the road thing you're doing is only going to cause trouble. Oh, and by the way, while you've been obsessing over your failed crush on Wendy, you've completely ignored the fact that you've already started a new relationship back in Gravity Falls. You should really give Pacifica Northwest a call when you get home. You two are perfect for each other."
Dipper watched in stunned shock as the girl walked away and left the Upside-Down house, which abruptly became a Right-Side-Up House.
"...huh."
Author's Note
Yeah, this is a thing now.
I won't step on Twinkletail's toes when it comes to Sugarcoat in the MLPverse, though. I'll just do crossovers like this.
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #5
Fluttershy watched Philomena preen her feathers and smiled. "Is Philomena excited for her class reunion, Your Highness?"
Princess Celestia smiled. "Oh, yes. You know, she was voted 'Most Likely To Suck Seed'..."
"Hey, Sunset? Why're you givin' Flash th' evil eye?"
Sunset, who had spent the last several minutes trying to burn Flash to death with the force of her glare from across Sugar Cube Corner, turned to Applejack and her other friends, who were all watching her curiously. She let out a frustrated groan and rolled her eyes. "Flash...is trying to get back together with me."
The others blinked. "Seriously?" Rainbow asked. "I thought he was so hung up on Twilight. I mean—"
"Yeah, I did too," Sunset said. "But last night, well..."
* * * * *
Sunset was roused from her slumber by the sound of a slow, seductive rock ballad she vaguely recognized. She glanced at her digital clock and saw it was just before midnight. Groaning and rubbing sleep from her eyes, she walked over to the window and looked outside.
Flash and his band were out in the street. Their instruments were hooked up to Vinyl Scratch's mobile amp unit. Flash looked up at her window with a smoldering, longing gaze as he strummed.
Despite the late hour and the abrupt awakening—and the fact Flash was probably about to get the cops called on him for disturbing her neighbors—Sunset couldn't help but smile at how corny and sweet the whole thing was.
And then Flash started singing. And he was definitely ad-libbing the lyrics.
Close...your eyes And you'll get a big...surprise In your bootie In your horny, horny bootie...
Sunset's smile died a painful, screaming death. She grabbed the heaviest book from her bookshelf, leaned out the window, and hurled it at Flash, nailing him right in the face.
Two floors down and two windows over, the cranky old cat lady nobody liked pointed her shotgun out the window and fired one right across the bass player's bow.
Vinyl's mobile unit turned back into a car and sped off, and Flash and his band quickly vacated the premises.
* * * * *
Sunset's friends stared at her.
"Seriously?!" Pinkie cried.
"And he seemed like such a nice boy," Fluttershy lamented as she gave Flash a reproachful glare.
Flash's testicles decided now would be a good time to wither up, die, and blow away on the breeze...
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Fluttershy Turns Into Random Stupid Things #1: Fluttersoy
"...Fluttershy? Is that you?"
"Yes."
"...you do realize you're a bottle of soy sauce, right?"
"Umm...yes."
"Would you like to tell me why you're a bottle of soy sauce?"
"Not especially."
"Would you like to tell me how you turned into a bottle of soy sauce?"
"It's...kind of a long story."
"Doesn't it...doesn't it bother you that you're a bottle of soy sauce?"
"Actually, it's kind of peaceful..."
"Oh. Well...okay then. I'll just...let you go back to being soy sauce."
"Thank you. See you later!"
Version 1
Diamond Tiara burst through the front doors of the Rich Mansion. "DADDY!"
"What is it, Diamond Tiara?" Filthy Rich asked apprehensively.
"I demand you divorce Mother immediately and marry ME!"
Filthy Rich blinked at her.
He thought about that for a long moment.
"Well," he said at length, "it'll be one less allowance I have to pay. So sure."
Version 2
Diamond Tiara burst through the front doors of the Rich Mansion. "DADDY!"
"What is it, Diamond Tiara?" Filthy Rich asked apprehensively.
"I've decided to become a prostitute!"
Filthy Rich blinked at her.
He thought about that for a long moment.
He shrugged. "Why not? That's how I met your mother, after all..."
"Deck the halls with bowels of Holly! Fa la la la la, la la la la!"
"Uhh, Pinkie Pie? That's a Hearthswarming carol. This is Nightmare Night. Also, it's 'boughs', not 'bowels'."
"Silly Twilight! I just killed Holly and I'm hanging her bowels all over the place for Nightmare Night decorations!"
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #7
Twilight Sparkle was flying around Ponyville when she got distracted by one of Pinkie's flying contraptions and slammed head-first into a radio transmitter.
"Ow!" she complained, rubbing her head. "That really hertz!"
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #8
"So! Twilight! You...ate your boyfriend."
"Eh. He was a flash in the pan."
Sunset Shimmer Versus A Japanese Toilet
It was a mission only she could have undertaken.
Traces of Equestrian magic had shown up in Neighpon. After conferring with Princess Twilight Sparkle, Sunset Shimmer had worked together with Principal Celestia to arrange a one-month student exchange. She'd spent two weeks feverishly studying the language and culture. Her world's Twilight had prepared a number of magic detection gadgets and other helpful little devices for her.
When Sunset Shimmer had landed in Moosaka, she was confident she was prepared for anything and everything she might encounter. Chopsticks, bento lunches, the futon she slept on at her host house, school uniforms (she actually liked the sailor uniform)...everything was going just as she expected.
And then, on the third day, she had to pee. When her lunch break came, she hurried to the bathroom.
That had been twenty minutes ago.
Sunset's bladder was about to explode.
But she was stuck staring at what passed for a toilet at this suddenly wicked, evil torture hall of a school.
It was a ceramic trough, about two feet long, set into the floor.
All around her, she heard other girls peeing, heard the thing being flushed. Every time she was alone in the bathroom, she checked the other stalls.
They all had the same thing. A trough set into the floor.
She really had to pee...
She pulled out her phone. "Hey, Twilight? Yeah, listen. I just ran into a little problem. It's, well..." She took a picture of the toilet, then sent it to Twilight. "I have no idea how to use this thing and I really need to pee —hey, stop laughing! This is serious! I mean, what do I—"
"You squat, silly!"
That had been Pinkie Pie.
"Good heavens, how uncivilized!"
Rarity.
"No way, you gotta squat to take a piss? How do you even AIM?"
Rainbow Dash.
Sunset's left eye twitched.
"Twilight? Do...do you have me on speaker?"
"Ummm...yeah? Maybe? Kinda? My hands are full..."
She heard a chorus of laughter through the speaker.
"Go for it, Sunset! You can do it!"
"Heheheh, do it..."
"Oh god please don't tell me Snips and Snails are—"
"Here, let me send you something that'll help!"
Sunset's text notification sounded. With a flat, mortified look on her face, she opened the text.
It was a picture of some anime girl with her panties hanging around one ankle, squatting over a similar toilet, peeing.
"WHY WOULD YOU EVEN HAVE THAT ON YOUR PHONE? THAT'S GROSS!"
"Holy CRAP you're a pervert," Rainbow said in disbelief.
"Umm...would somebody please hang my phone up?" Twilight asked sheepishly. "I think we've...umm...yeah...gotta go, Sunset!"
The call disconnected.
A few seconds later, she got a text from Pinkie Pie:
You're #1! ^_^
Sunset threw her head back and screamed.
Outside the stall, she heard giggling.
And then suddenly, she didn't need to pee anymore.
"Oh horseapples..."
Six teenage girls stared at a tiny orange, red, and gold monkey perched on the edge of the Wondercolt statue, just above the portal to Equestria.
"Don't ask," said the monkey in Sunset Shimmer's voice. "Just...don't."
Terrible, Awful Equestria Girls Jokes #1
"Excuse me, Pinkie Pie," Vice Principal Luna said, staring at Pinkie. "I'm almost afraid to ask, but...why exactly are you wearing a toga?"
Pinkie, who was indeed decked out in a classic toga, sandals, and laurels, shrugged. "Eh. I'm just Roman around..."
Sugarcoat is sitting on her bed, naked, the fingers of one hand deep inside her wet, sticky sex while she kneads her breast with the other hand.
She looks up, sees you watching her, and frowns.
"You really shouldn't be watching other people masturbate. It isn't very nice."
An absolutely shellshocked Apple Bloom staggered into the east orchard where her friends were waiting. She'd just seen something...inexplicable, incomprehensible, something that undoubtedly would haunt her nightmares for decades to come.
She just wanted to find Applejack to tell her she had plans with her friends and would be spending the night at Fluttershy's place.
She'd searched the entire house, and finally found her in the bedroom.
With Countess Coloratura.
And a sheep.
And they were doing...things.
Like, the kind of things mares and stallions did in those awful magazines Snips and Snails used to bring to school before Miss Cheerilee caught them and bucked them clear to Appleloosa.
"Apple Bloom? You okay?"
"What's wrong, Apple Bloom?"
Apple Bloom shook her head and looked up to see Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Silver Spoon looking at her with concern. All three of them were wearing cheerleader outfits.
"Did something happen?"
Apple Bloom opened her mouth to say something, but couldn't quite think of what to say. She didn't want her friends' day ruined by...
But she needed to say something ...
After a long, awkward, uncomfortable moment, she said:
"Rara, sis, boom...baaa?"
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Princess Twilight's Awakening Non Sequiturs #1
A lazy Sunday morning in Ponyville found six mares and a dragon having breakfast in the dining room of Princess Twilight Sparkle's castle. Everypony present watched Twilight in concern as she snored gently into her scrambled eggs.
"Spike, you should really talk to Twilight about proper bedtimes," Rarity said. "This...this isn't healthy."
Spike shrugged. "Don't look at me. Twilight was out really late last night. I don't even know what time she got in."
Twilight giggled in her sleep, cuddling with her eggs.
Just then, a spider dangling from a thin web dropped in front of Rarity, startling her. Rarity let out an earsplitting shriek.
Twilight shot bolt upright, eggs clinging to her face. "I'M BUTTFUCK!" she exclaimed.
Everypony stared at her.
"You know what?" Rainbow Dash croaked. "I...I just don't even wanna know ."
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Princess Twilight's Awakening Non Sequiturs #2
Twilight Sparkle shot awake with a cry of "I'M MANSNAKE!"
Her friends stared at her in bewilderment.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Dreamin' about Flash Sentry again?"
A lone, shining orb hung in the starry black night sky. Green continents dotted a deep blue ocean. Misty white clouds hung in a thin, wispy layer over the vast surface.
A shadow fell upon the globe. A massive mare, wearing a tall, conical purple helmet, loomed over the little blue planet.
"CELESTUS HUNGERS."
Some distance away, Princess Luna, wrapped head to tail in tinfoil, facehoofed. "Must we do this, Sister?"
Celestia's face screwed up in a very undignified pout. "Oh, come on, Luna! It's fun! "
Luna rolled her eyes. "And here I was the one Mother always told not to play with her food..."
Celestia stuck her tongue out at her sister, then cut and plated a slice of the planet-shaped cake.
Author's Note
This one is entirely Zef's fault.
Princess Celestia is Incredibly Horny
PRINCESS CELESTIA IS INCREDIBLY HORNY
by Button Mash, staff writer
Today we took a field trip to Canterlot Castle, where we met Princess Celestia. I've never seen the Princess in person before. I'm here to tell you she's the horniest pony in all of Equestria!
She really seems to love being with foals. The whole time we were in Canterlot, she just kept coming and coming, even though that old pony with the big droopy mustache told her she didn't have time to play with foals.
And she has such a huge appetite! She took in everything we had to give her. By the time the old pony finally dragged her off, she had cream all over her face.
Button Mash looked into the furiously red, enraged face of his mother, Love Tap. He tilted his head in innocent confusion. "What?"
Rainbow Dash Asks Samus A Question
"So, uhh...mind if I ask you a question?"
"Yes, I'm really a girl."
"Oh. You get that one a lot, huh?"
"Lately? Yes."
"Well, it's just that I heard you might've been, y'know--"
"A guy?"
"Yeah."
"I was never a man, no. I never had any kind of operation. I've always been what I am."
"Cool. ...you sure? If I check, I won't find any, y'know, they-cut-it-off scars...?"
"You do realize I have a missile launcher and a beam cannon, right?"
"...I'll just take your word for it."
Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash found a note on Fluttershy's door:
I'm upstairs in my bedroom. Come on up, I'm waiting.
They glanced at each other, shrugged, and went in, flying upstairs.
They found Fluttershy splayed out on her back on the bed, her legs spread wide. Her entire belly and--certain parts of her body--were covered in peanut butter, compote, and for some reason, wriggling earthworms and centipedes which were trapped in the sticky peanut butter.
They stared at her, jaws hitting the floor.
Fluttershy looked up and squeaked, her eyes wide and her face red. "Oh! Um. Sorry. I'm expecting a visit from my brother." A pause. "Umm...could you--?"
"NOPE!" Rainbow Dash and Twilight both flew out the window.
Author's Note
Zef challenged me to do a fic using puns based on Flutter Butter's various "flavors". I couldn't come up with anything. So I did this instead.
"Well, Twiley, it seems Flurry Heart's developed a little bit of a problem with hairballs."
"That's...not that unusual for baby ponies."
"They're coming out the wrong end."
"...ew!"
Be Careful What You Wish For
Pinkie Pie brushed one hoof with the other shyly. "So, umm..." She looked coyly up at Starlight Glimmer. "There's something I've kinda always wanted to try, and with your magic, I think you might be able to do it."
Starlight blinked. "Are you sure? I mean, after some of what I've done with my magic..."
"Well...I'm willing to give you a chance," Pinkie said. "See, here's the thing...I've sort of always wanted to have a penis."
"A penis?" Starlight asked, blinking.
"Yeah. Can you use your magic to give me a penis?"
"Umm...sure!" Starlight's eyes darted around. She spied a random Earth pony stallion walking past. Her horn lit up.
So did the stallion's nether regions.
A moment later, there was a terrible scream...
Pinkie watched in horror as a severed penis hovered in front of her face in Starlight's aura. Starlight beamed happily at her. "Here you go!"
Pinkie took two steps backward, turned around, and ran.
A blue-skinned girl with long, wavy platinum hair hurriedly rushed onto the stage, her clothing in disarray and the witch's hat she wore askew. A pair of lavender-tinted sunglasses obscured her eyes as she slung her guitar into place and nodded to her bandmates, who started up their mix machines. She approached the microphone...
You better believe I got dicks up my sleeve! And I masturbate, cause I can't get a date, whoa oh oh!
The backing music ground to a halt. The crowd fell silent, staring at her in confusion. Celestia and Luna looked up at her, jaws agape.
Trixie Lulamoon charged onto the stage from the wings, stripped to her underwear, an expression of pure murderous rage on her face. "RAINBOW DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!"
The singer on stage let out a yelp, dropped Trixie's guitar, and bolted, leaving her wavy platinum wig behind.
On her way home from a bake-off that had run late into the evening, Pinkie Pie, hauling a cart loaded down with pies, had decided to stop by the houses of any of her friends who were home and awake and drop off a pie. Because who doesn't like random surprise pie out of nowhere, right?
As she made her way through Ponyville, she saw the lights were on at Cranky and Matilda's place. Figuring they'd probably just finished dinner and were either scrapbooking or listening to records before bed, she trotted up to the door, raised a hoof to knock...
And stopped as she heard voices inside.
"My sweet Matilda...you know what I'm in the mood for tonight?"
"Mm-hmm-hmm, I can tell. I'm not so sure I'm in the mood, though."
"I know what'll get you in the mood," Cranky replied.
Pinkie raised an eyebrow. She faintly heard the scratchy sound of a needle touching a record, and then...
Well, and then she heard something that totally freaked her frizz.
Backing slowly away from the door, Pinkie hitched herself back to her pie cart and took off for Sugar Cube Corner as fast as she could gallop.
The next day, Sugar Cube Corner had a big sale on pie. It was a month before Pinkie could look at either Cranky or Matilda without hearing that song.
Starlight Glimmer's Deepest Secret
"Starlight?" Twilight Sparkle asked as she walked into the library, leafing through a file folder.
"Yeah, Twilight?"
"I just came over from Town Hall," Twilight said. "Your home village finally sent your records over to Ponyville, and, well..." She looked up at Starlight. "We need to talk about...your birth certificate."
Starlight's ears folded down. "My...birth...certificate?"
"Uh-huh," Twilight said, examining a document. "According to this, Starlight Glimmer isn't your real name." She held the document up in her magic, giving Starlight a level stare. "Anything you'd care to say about that, Psycho Hosebeast?"
"Boy, her parents were really on the mark with that one," Spike quipped as he walked past.
Rainbow Dash turned off the shower, stepping out onto the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. She grabbed a thick, fluffy towel and wrapped it around her body, adjusting it so that it just barely covered her crotch and most of her chest. Once she was sure the towel would hold, she grabbed her hair dryer and plugged it in...
"TOW-EL! TOW-EL! TOW-EL! TOW-EL! TOW-EL! "
Rainbow Dash sighed, shook her head, and started blow-drying her hair.
In the mirror, she saw a flash of light. She turned off the dryer. "DAD! NO PICTURES!"
Twilight Pokes Shining Armor With a Stick
"OW! Quit it!"
"OW! Quit it!"
"OW! Quit it!"
"OW! Seriously, Twily, quit it!"
"Heehee, sorry BBBFF."
...
...
...
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"
"Took your temperature!"
"Gnaaaaaaaaaah...."
Author's Note
Just once I wanted to post a Pony Fail from my phone.
Mission accomplished.
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The Day Every Straight Dude's Dick Exploded At CHS
"Sunset Shimmer, would you do me a favor?"
"Sure, Fluttershy, what do you need?"
"Would you mind watching my tits and ass while I play with my pussy?"
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #13
Discovered on the Storm King's last employee evaluation form for Tempest Shadow, in the section for "Undesirable Traits/Needs Improvement":
Hench wench trench stench
Author's Note
This "story" is just a dumping ground for all the bullshit little nonsensical ideas I have that don't really amount to anything more than a quick drabble. Which happens more than you'd think. ...or maybe not.
Pinkie Sues Mabel
Mabel Pines was happily decorating Waddles with fake plastic pearls when the front door of the Mystery Shack slammed open.
"MABEL PINES!" a high-pitched voice snarled. "I'D LIKE A FEW WORDS WITH YOU!"
Mabel looked up, and her eyes widened. A pink pony with a curly cotton candy mane and bright blue eyes stood in the doorway, barrel heaving. A glare of icy unfun ripped through Mabel like Grunkle Stan's Brown Meat, but she paid that no attention.
"Pony..." she whispered in awe.
The pony stalked angrily toward Mabel, hooves clopping across the splintered wood floor. Waddles looked up, oinked, and backed out of the room.
"You...COPIED ME...you little...ME-COPYING JERK!" the pony screeched in Mabel's face.
Mabel blinked. "Okay, talking pony, settle down, sheesh. What's got your saddle on too tight?"
"I'M NOT WEARING A SADDLE!" the pony shouted. "BUT I AM WEARING A LAW SUIT!"
Mabel blinked again. "Huh?"
The pony paused, thinking about what she'd just said, and facehoofed. "I mean...I'M SUING YOU!" She rooted around in her mane and came out with a big yellow envelope, which she slapped Mabel with. Mabel picked it up and opened it, reading the enclosed documents.
NOTICE OF LAW-TYPE STUFF
Pinkamena Diane Pie is hereby suing Mabel Pines for trademark infringement In regards to an incident involving a confetti cannon Pay up or you'll be sorry Love, Pinkie Pie
It was written in pink cake frosting.
"Um. Okay. Wow." Mabel shook her head. "I still don't get it."
"PARTY CANNONS ARE MY THING!" Pinkie cried, stomping a hoof. "You can't have a party cannon without my permission!"
"Wait...that's what this is about? You mean that confetti cannon I used to blast a zombie to save my family?"
"Yeah, that!" Pinkie declared. "You could've used your grappling hook, you know, the one from season one, but instead you came up with a confetti cannon out of nowhere and YOU TOTALLY RIPPED ME OFF! "
Mabel sighed. "Okay. Okay. I think we can work this out in a calm, reasonable fashion..."
"Come one, come all! Witness the talking, dancing, singing, cupcake-baking MYSTERY PONY!"
Pinkie, wearing a frilly maid outfit, blew upward on her mane as the tourists gathered around her cage. "I should've known better than to mess with Disney..."
"Hey Crusaders! Check it out! I grew a new leg last night!"
Scootaloo trotted into the Crusaders' clubhouse. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle stared at her, jaws scraping the ground.
"Maybe I can't fly, but have you ever seen a pony with five legs?" Scootaloo pranced around with a smug look on her face.
"Uhhh...Scootaloo? That...that ain't a leg," Apple Bloom said.
"Yeah, you...should probably go see a doctor or Princess Twilight or something. That...that isn't normal," Sweetie Belle said, blushing heavily.
Scootaloo frowned. "Well of course it's a leg. What else would it be?"
"That, my little pony, is a penis, and evidently you are a hermaphrodite."
The Crusaders turned to the window, and the dark alicorn who was peering into the clubhouse. "LUNA!" they chorused.
"What's a hermaff...mafrody..." Scootaloo frowned. "What's a penis?"
Luna smiled. "It means, Scootaloo, that you are very special , and I would like to take you on as my personal student..."
Mr. Cake stared at the bearded stallion in the blue shirt and black hat who had barged into his store and run off all his customers. "Who are you?"
"You know who I am," the stallion said. "Say my name."
Mr. Cake shook his head. "I don't have a clue who you are."
"Yeah you do. I'm Pinkie's uncle. I'm the pony that killed Chicken Wing!"
Mr. Cake frowned. "Chicken Wing died of the feather flu."
"Are you sure?" The stallion stared at him. "Now...say my name ."
Mr. Cake swallowed nervously. "You're Pork Pie."
"You're goddamn right."
There was a tremendous BOOM, and Pork Pie's head exploded.
As he fell to the ground dead, Mr. Cake stared past him at Scootaloo, who was holding a smoking shotgun.
"That's for my DAD, bitch!" Scootaloo yelled.
Pinkie Pie trotted downstairs. "Hey, what's all the racket oh my god is that my uncle?"
"It was," Mr. Cake said.
Pinkie stared at the headless corpse. "Eh. He was kind of a jerk..." She sighed. "I'll get the acid..."
Canterlot High School September 17, 2010
Sunset Shimmer hummed to herself as she unlocked her motorbike and walked it out to the street. The night air was crisp and cool; she'd spent a late night at school helping the journalism club work on the school paper, which was in serious danger of missing its deadline.
Sunset loved helping people. It made her happy to use her talents to do good things for others. She enjoyed it when people came to her for help. Doing good things for others gave her a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
The wind suddenly picked up. A bright flash of light from the front of the school caught her attention. Curious, she headed around to the courtyard, still walking her bike--city laws prohibited her from driving it within two blocks of a school zone after eight in the evening, and while it was a stupid law she didn't agree with, she obeyed it just as she obeyed every law in the city.
Sunset Shimmer was a good, honest person.
When she reached the front of the school, her eyes widened. One side of the horse statue in the courtyard had turned into a swirling disk of strobing, pulsing light. The wind began to howl, and Sunset had to shield her eyes as a silhouette emerged from the light.
The light abruptly faded, and the wind died down.
A naked figure crouched on the ground in front of the statue, curled into a tight ball. From the size and shape, it was a girl, with long hair that--even in the dim light of evening--looked a lot like hers. The same long, wavy style. The same copper and gold streaks.
The girl stood up and turned around. Sunset's eyes widened, even as a mortified blush crawled up her face.
Apart from having a lot less going on in the general chest area, the girl looked exactly like her. And was completely naked.
"Wh-what..." Sunset stammered.
The naked girl walked up to her with mechanical precision, wobbling slightly on her bare feet. She studied Sunset from toe to head and back with sharp teal eyes.
Then, she spoke. In Sunset's own voice, but with no emotion whatsoever, and the faintest tinge of a foreign accent.
"I need your clothes, your boobs, and your motorcycle."
Sunset fainted.
In Case Of Pinkie Pie, Break Glass
"I have faggots stashed all over Equestria! In case of faggot emergencies."
"I have porn stashed all over Equestria! In case of porn emergencies."
"I have koalas stashed all over Equestria! In case of eucaplytus emergencies."
"I have bananas stashed all over Equestria! In case of potassium emergencies."
"I have diarrhea stashed all over Equestria! In case of diarrhea emergencies."
"I have lube stashed all over Equestria! In case of buttfuck emergencies."
"I have Belinda Carlisle stashed all over Equestria! In case of Belinda Carlisle emergencies."
"I have spaghetti stashed all over Equestria! In case of spaghetti emergencies."
"I have Seamus stashed all over Equestria! In case of Seamus emergencies."
"I have Oompa Loompas stashed all over Equestria! In case of Oompa Loompa emergencies."
"I have Fire Nation soldiers stashed all over Equestria! In case of Avatar emergencies."
"I have plutonium stashed all over Equestria! In case of flux capacitor emergencies."
"I have hyronalin stashed all over Equestria! In case of radiation emergencies."
"I have the Siege Perilous stashed all over Equestria! In case of alternate reality Spider-Man emergencies."
"I have fanfiction stashed all over Equestria! In case of fanfiction emergencies."
"I have buttholes stashed all over Equestria! In case of butthole emergencies."
"I have X stashed all over Equestria! In case of Sigma emergencies."
"I have mercury levers stashed all over Equestria! In case of mad bomber emergencies."
"I have Discord stashed all over Equestria! In case of chaos emergencies."
"I have cookies stashed all over Equestria! In case of Ladybug emergencies."
"I have Camembert stashed all over Equestria! In case of Chat Noir emergencies."
"I have leather jackets stashed all over Equestria! In case of Sunset Shimmer emergencies."
"I have doobies stashed all over Equestria! In case of Grateful Dead emergencies."
"I have shotguns stashed all over Equestria! In case of Starlight Glimmer emergencies."
"I have ranch dipping sauce stashed all over Equestria! In case of chicken wing emergencies."
"I have chicken wings stashed all over Equestria! In case of ranch dipping sauce emergencies."
"I have brains stashed all over Equestria! In case of zombie emergencies."
"I have cameraphones stashed all over Canterlot High! In case of pantyshot emergencies."
"I have virgins stashed all over Equestria! In case of sacrifice ritual emergencies."
"I have murder weapons stashed all over Equestria! In case of murder emergencies."
"I have popcorn stashed all over Equestria! In case of DIS GUN B GUD emergencies."
"I have toupees stashed all over Equestria! In case of Cranky Doodle Donkey emergencies."
"I have marshmallows stashed all over Equestria! In case of S'mores emergencies."
"I have myself stashed all over Equestria! In case of me emergencies."
"I have Indians stashed all over Equestria! In case of call center emergencies."
"I have suicide pills stashed all over Equestria! In case of Donald Trump emergencies."
"I have the baby stashed all over Equestria! In case of Crystalling emergencies."
"I have baseball bats stashed all over Equestria! In case of season six writer emergencies."
"I have gerbils stashed all over Equestria! In case of hungry snake emergencies."
"I have Kraft dinner stashed all over Equestria! In case of Canadian emergencies."
"I have Derpy stashed all over Equestria! In case of muffin emergencies."
"I have a big black dick stashed all over Equestria! In case of big black dick emergencies."
"I have crabs stashed all over Equestria! In case of FedEx emergencies."
"I have Cutie Mark Crusaders stashed all over Equestria! In case of Cutie Mark emergencies."
"I have mustaches stashed all over Equestria! In case of mustache emergencies."
"I have gimps stashed all over Equestria! In case of gimp emergencies."
"I have a nigga in a bowl of rice stashed all over Indochina! In case of Butch emergencies."
"I have self-destruct buttons stashed all over Equestria! In case of Inator emergencies."
"I have proton torpedos stashed all over Equestria! In case of Death Star emergencies."
"I have dead horses stashed all over Equestria! In case of dead horse emergencies."
A blue hoof poked Twilight. "Twiliiiiiight..."
Twilight twitched in her sleep, but did not stir.
The hoof poked her again. "Twilight Sparkle..."
Twilight kicked out with a back leg, her wings ruffling.
The insistent poking and calling of her name continued.
Twilight's eyes cracked open, and she glared out into the darkness of her bedroom. Her horn lit up.
Trixie was staring at her with the most pitiful expression she'd ever seen in her life.
Twilight blinked. "Trixie...? What...how...what are you doing in my bedroom? How did you even get in here?"
"Trixie is lonely," Trixie whined. "Can Trixie sleep with you?"
"What? No!"
"Please?"
"No!"
"But Trixie is lonely..."
"Get out of my castle!"
Trixie made a noise like a dog whose master has just taken away its food dish.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Get in," she said.
"Yay!" Trixie cheered, hopping up onto the bed and crawling under the covers with Twilight.
Twilight settled back down, rolling her eyes.
"Twilight? Can you...can you put your wing around Trixie?"
Twilight sighed and extended one feathery wing around Trixie. "Good night , Trixie."
"Goodnight, Twilight Sparkle."
Five minutes later, Trixie farted hard enough to blow the covers completely off the bed and partially melt the castle.
She was found a week later in the Everfree Forest, living off squirrel guts and barking like a rat terrier.
A stallion with a shaggy mane rolled around Ponyville on a colorful beach ball.
"Jaaaaaaaames Baxter!" he whinnied.
Rainbow Dash stared. "Uhh...what's up with that dude?"
"Jaaaaaaaames Baxter!"
"I have no idea," Rarity said. "Perhaps he's drunk?"
"Jaaaaaaaaames Baxter!"
Fluttershy frowned. "Oh my. Do you think maybe he's..."
"Retarded?" Rainbow asked.
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES BAXTER!"
"Well...yes...that."
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES BAXTER!"
"Yep, that guy's definitely got poo-brain," Spike said.
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES BAXTER!"
"Well I think he's funny!" Pinkie said. She pulled a similar ball out of nowhere and stood on it, rolling circles around the odd stallion.
"JAAAAAMES BAXTER!"
"PIIIIIIIIIIIINKIE PIE!"
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES BAXTER!"
"PIIIIIIIIIINKIE PIE!"
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES BAXTER!"
"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKIE PIE!"
How many hours can a retard and an easily-amused party pony ride around on beach balls whinnying their names at each other?
Perhaps Mr. Owlowiscious knows.
"Hoo?"
You.
"Hoo?"
"You. Owlowiscious."
"Hoo?"
"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMES BAXTER!"
"PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKIE PIE!"
"Hoo?"
Fuck it. I'm out.
"I give a buck about you," Rainbow Dash said to Applejack.
"Ah give a buck about you," Applejack said to Fluttershy.
"I give a buck about you," Fluttershy said to Rarity.
"I give a buck about you," Rarity said to Pinkie Pie.
"I give a buck about you!" Pinkie Pie said to Twilight Sparkle.
"I give a buck about you," Twilight Sparkle said to Spike.
"I give a buck about this pumpkin pie," Spike said. "Let's eat!"
"Rainbags."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainbarfs."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainboogers."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainbuckets."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainburps."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainbottoms."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainballs."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainbladders."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainbuzzards."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainbloods."
"Rainbooms . Although that one does sound kinda metal."
"Rainblasts."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainblacks."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainblues."
"Rainbooms ."
"Rainbananas."
"Rain booms..."
"Come on now, y'all, help yerselves!"
A table laden with enough muffins, apple crunch bars, and apple oat cakes to feed an army sat out in the open near the entrance to Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack's friends stared at the spread, salivating.
"AJ, you've really outdone yourself!" Twilight said.
The five mares dug in with gusto, devouring every baked good on the table in record time. Applejack stood off to the side, grinning.
"Alright y'all, now let's do some square-dancin'!" Applejack called a lively square dance as she joined her friends in frolicking in a bare field of soil.
"Should...we be...dancing...all over...this field?" Rarity asked.
"Heck, it'll pack th' soil down good," Applejack said. "Don't worry none."
After thirty minutes of dancing, Twilight became noticably twitchy. "Uhh...Applejack? I...really need to..."
"Yeah...me too," Rainbow Dash said, grimacing.
"As do I," Rarity commented with a frown.
"I totally gotta poop," Pinkie whined.
Fluttershy just squeaked.
Applejack chuckled and walked over to a rope hanging from a tree. She pulled it, and a bright canvas tent went up around the patch of soil the girls had been dancing on. "Go on, y'all. Let it all out."
"Eww! In public?"
"Darling, that's...that's positively disgusting!"
"Oh, ick!"
Applejack grinned and zipped up the tent flap.
"Oh...oh my goodness...I can't...hold it..."
"Ohhhhh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap...!"
Disgusted, panicked whinnies and the sounds of explosive release resonated from the tent.
With a smirk, Applejack unzipped it. Five completely disgusted, disturbed mares stalked out, glaring at her as they left Sweet Apple Acres.
"Y'all come back now, y'hear?" Applejack tossed at them, grinning. She turned to a wide-eyed, shell-shocked Apple Bloom. "An' THAT, lil' sis, is how you fertilize a new cornfield."
"Hey Pinkie! ...are you okay? You're walking kinda funny there."
"Oh, I'm alright. I just got fucked in the butt REALLY hard!"
"...uhh...okay...thanks for sharing that..."
"I mean it was fun and all, but a little warning would've been nice, and..."
"Pinkie."
"...could've at least used some lube..."
"Pinkie!"
"...and I really really had to fart the whole time!"
"AUGH! WAY too much info, Pinkie Pie!"
"Huh? But...friends share, right?"
"Sharing is one thing, but not when it's about THAT!"
"Awww...but I LIKE talking about getting fucked in the butt!"
"...oh...oh my...what did I just walk in on?"
"Fluttershy, tell Pinkie it's not okay to talk about...about..."
"Getting fucked in the butt?"
"That! Yes. That. Tell her."
"...well...actually...I think I'd, umm...like to hear all about that..."
"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"NO, Pinkie Pie! For the last time, you can't have my bacon bits!"
"Aww..."
It was everything Trixie had ever dared to hope for when she began stalking the Rainbooms, hiding under their table in the cafeteria during lunch. She checked her phone to verify that she had, indeed, captured that incredibly perfect sound bite.
With the stealth of a ninja, she made her escape, eager to set her plan into motion.
"Here," Sunset Shimmer said, "you can have some of my croutons. And this dressing, I've never liked this kind."
"Bleah, the oil dressing?" Pinkie sighed and dumped croutons and oil dressing on her salad. "Oh well."
"So is anybody gonna talk about why Trixie was hiding under our table?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Because I'd really kinda like to talk about that."
"Nope!" Applejack said cheerfully.
"Couldn't care less, darling," Rarity said.
"I don't like talking about mentally ill people," Fluttershy said.
* * * * *
The next day, a lot of people Sunset Shimmer passed in the halls were looking at her and snickering, or refusing to meet her eyes. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon took one look at her and burst into giggles.
During morning break, she was pulled aside by Rarity, who led her into an empty classroom. The rest of the Rainbooms were all there, and they all looked upset...and yet, at the same time, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were smirking and clearly stifling laughter. "Alright, what's going on?" Sunset asked.
"You haven't seen it yet?" Pinkie asked. "She hasn't seen it yet!"
"Whoa, deja vu," Applejack said.
A feeling of dread seeped into Sunset Shimmer's soul. "Seen what?"
Rarity coughed delicately and pulled her laptop out of her bag. She pulled up a EweTube video. Sunset leaned in to watch.
The video was composed of clips of Sunset Shimmer, both before and after the Rainbooms befriended her, dancing, talking, and laughing. Playing over the video was a dance mix of Sunset herself:
You can't have my bacon bits, my bacon bits, my bacon bits You can't, you can't, you can't, you can't have my bacon bits My ba, my bacon, my bacon bits, my ba, my bacon, my bacon bits
Sunset's jaw dropped, her eyes nearly falling out of her head. After staring at the video for a full minute, she threw back her head, clenched her fists, and screamed angrily to the sky: "TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIXIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!!"
A short senior with pasty skin, messy black hair, and bad teeth in a black T-shirt that said "JERK" on the front poked his head in. "That's MY schtick, bacon-bits!"
Author's Note
I may expand on this idea and make a third Sunset Shimmer story out of it later. For right now, I just don't have enough of a "and then what?" in mind for it to go beyond the joke itself.
Throughout Ponyville, ponies nursed bruises, black eyes, and cracked bones. The hospital was full, the doctors and nurses cranky.
A circle of glowering, angry ponies surrounded Pinkie Pie, who was backed against the front wall of Sugar Cube Corner, nervous sweat streaming down her face.
"H-hey," Pinkie said nervously. "I...I just thought...you know...Boxing Day...kangaroos..." Her ears wilted. "It made sense at the time..."
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The Unfortunate Special Talent of a Colt Named Street Pizza
"OH CELESTIA!"
A crowd of ponies gathered around the remains of an unfortunate colt. He was spread across a rather broad area of Ponyville.
All around, mares were crying, stallions were looking away solemnly, and ponies of all ages were rushing into the nearest tall grass to be violently ill.
"That poor colt..."
"How'd that even happen?"
"What was his name? Anypony know?"
"Dunno, never seen him before."
"Wait...I think this is a wing...looks like he was a pegasus..."
"Maybe he's from Cloudsdale?"
"What, and he went down at a forty-five degree angle?"
The grisly remnants of the colt's flank began to shine...
"Oh COME ON! How the hay do you get a cutie mark for DYING?!"
"Umm...I don't know, but...I don't think I wanna find out..."
"Me neither."
For weeks, Twilight had been sneaking through the portal to Canterlot High to meet up with Flash Sentry.
They'd gone out for meals, they'd gone to movies, they'd parked at Lookout Point and enjoyed the view while spending time together in silence, they'd stayed in at Flash's place and ordered pizza and watched television together.
Now, after almost three months of seeing one another on a regular basis, Twilight had decided, with trepidation, that it was time.
Time to find out what being made love to felt like as a human.
They had started slow, with gentle caresses and light kisses as they slowly began undressing each other and exploring one another's bodies. Anticipation built as they took their tender love play farther and farther.
Now, it was almost time. With a coy, seductive stare, Twilight began to remove the last article of clothing she had on: her magenta panties. Slowly, hesitantly, she slid them down her thighs. Flash hitched a breath, awaiting the magnificent treasure that lay within...
Trixie slid out of Twilight's pussy, giving the two of them a flat, creepy bug-eyed stare.
Flash and Twilight stared down at her. She stared back at them.
"What..." Flash began.
"Don't ask," Twilight said.
Flash stared at Trixie. Trixie continued to stare at them, bug-eyed, from Twilight's pussy.
"What..." Flash began.
"Don't ask," Twilight said.
"But..."
"No."
"But...!"
"No."
"But—"
"Just...no."
Trixie continued to stare bug-eyed at them.
"You think you can destroy The Elements of Harmony just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Elements of Harmony are right here!"
Nightmare Moon stared down at the defiant lavender unicorn who dared challenge her immense dark power. "What?!"
Twilight Sparkle looked over her shoulder at the five mares who had just galloped into the dusty old castle ruins. "Applejack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of...honesty! " Her voice took on an echoing quality at the last word.
"Fluttershy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of...kindness!
"Pinkie Pie, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of...laughter!
"Rarity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of...generosity!
"And Rainbow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of...loyalty! " As the five mares arrayed themselves behind her, Twilight Sparkle smirked confidently at Nightmare Moon. "The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us!"
"You still don't have the sixth Element!" Nightmare Moon pointed out desperately. "The spark didn't work!"
"But it did! A different kind of spark," Twilight Sparkle said, smiling as she looked back at the Ponyville ponies. "I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my friends!" She turned her gaze once more upon Nightmare Moon. "You see, Nightmare Moon... When those Elements are ignited by the... the spark that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... MAGIC! "
The shattered remnants of the five stones stirred and floated into the air as the ground shook and dust rose. A serene glow surrounded each of the six mares...
Six enormous, brilliantly-colored elephants fell out of the sky, squashing Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Applejack flat.
Nightmare Moon smirked evilly. "By the way, Twilight Sparkle...just so you know...your precious little books were mistaken. They're not called the Elements of Harmony. They're called the Elephants of Harmony." With that, she vanished in a cloud of inky black shadow and glittery blue smoke.
"Now...she tells me..." Twilight moaned. "Well...its been fun, girls. Couldn't ask for better ponies to die horrible, grisly deaths with..."
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Pinkie Figures Out How Rarity Did It And Gets Her Revenge
"Penis, darling!"
"Woo-wee! Mardi Gras!" Apple Bloom shouted.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo stood gathered with a group of their fellow Canterlot University freshmen. A wild party was raging all around them. Parade floats slowly passed down the crowded street, and men standing on top of them were throwing necklaces of colorful beads and a variety of other trinkets into the crowds.
"Ah've always wanted t' do this!" Apple Bloom said. As the first float approached, she let out a wild shout and lifted her shirt, shaking her bare, perky breasts left and right.
Three strings of beads, a shiny cup, and a glittery tiara were tossed her way. The crowd around her cheered wildly. She put down her shirt and scooped up her loot.
"Apple Bloom!" Sweetie Belle cried, scandalized.
"Oh, calm down!" Apple Bloom said. "That's jes' whutcha do at Mardi Gras!" She giggled. "Come on, try it!"
"No way!" Sweetie Belle squeaked.
"Oh, just go for it," Scootaloo said.
The next float was approaching. Blushing, Sweetie Belle lifted her shirt, exposing her pale pink bra. A single string of beads flew her way.
"No, no!" Apple Bloom said. "You gotta flash 'em!"
Turning scarlet, Sweetie Belle unhooked her bra, then lifted it as well, letting her C-cup breasts bounce free, nipples standing out in the chilly February air. Wild applause greeted her, and a shower of goodies rained down on her.
She giggled as she hastily put her shirt down and rounded up her loot. "That...that was embarrassing! But kinda fun!"
"Me next!" Scootaloo said. The third float approached. With a confident smirk, Scootaloo whipped her shirt off and spun it over her head, letting the whole of Canterlot bask in the glory of her less-than-A-cup chest.
The party immediately died. The float passed by without throwing a single thing at her.
"Put you shirt back on, dude!" someone yelled.
Somebody threw a tomato at her.
Scootaloo slumped. "I'm sad now," she said. She trudged away, shoulders sagging, not even bothering to put her shirt back on.
Nobody even realized she was a girl...
After several years of dating, years full of ridicule and torment from the likes of Diamond Tiara and others who had developed nastier personalities over time, Button Mash had finally done it. He'd finally proposed to Sweetie Belle.
And she'd said yes.
Now, on Hearts and Hooves Day, with their wedding planned for late June, Button (with a LOT of help from his mother) had created the perfect romantic atmosphere for a steamy night with his marefriend.
Tonight, a young stallion intended to get lucky.
After a quiet intimate dinner, some dancing, lots of mood music, the most delicious chocolates Button could find, a bouquet of red and pink roses, and a beautiful and expensive necklace, Sweetie Belle was finally in the mood. A half hour of foreplay later, it was finally time.
Button Mash nervously mounted his marefriend, and put into practice advice he'd received long ago, when he was still a high-strung little colt. Advice that had seen him through countless battles, hundreds of missions where everything was on the line. Advice that had kept entire kingdoms from the brink of ruin.
"Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right...up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right..."
Rainbow (Middle Name) Dash
"Danger is my middle name! Rainbow Danger Dash!"
"Professionalism is my middle name! Rainbow Professionalism Dash!"
"Courage is my middle name! Rainbow Courage Dash!"
"Loyalty is my middle name! Rainbow Loyalty Dash!"
* * * * *
Rainbow Dash shifted uncomfortably as she stood in line to renew her weather license. All around her were pegasi she knew personally, and still more who knew of her by reputation.
"Next," the old brown pegasus behind the counter called loudly as Rainbow's turn came. She trotted up to the counter, coughed, and laid her license in front of the clerk.
The clerk adjusted her glasses, studied the license, and said, in entirely too loud a voice for Rainbow's comfort, "Please present your cutie mark to verify that you are, in fact, Rainbow Euphegenia Dash..."
Two teenagers in hoodies sat slouched over in chairs in the back of the waiting room.
The receptionist gave them a curious glance. She went over the sign-in sheet. They'd been present for hours...all the names on the list were highlighted out except for the last four, which belonged to the four most recent arrivals.
She leaned out the window. "Excuse me," she called. "Did you boys forget to sign in?"
"Huh?" one of them asked. His voice was slow, dull, and plodding. "Oh, uhh...we're just waiting for someone, eh?"
"...waiting for someone."
"Yeah, waiting for someone," the other boy said in a raspy, nasally voice.
The receptionist sighed and shrugged. Don't ask, don't tell was part of the job here. "Okay, but just so you know...loitering is prohibited here."
She'd give them another thirty minutes...
A girl walked in, wearing a heavy overcoat and overly large black sunglasses. The girl had the most massive mop of hair the receptionist had ever seen.
The girl walked up to the window, signed in, and sat down.
The two boys looked at one another and gave each other a nudge, then lowered their hoods.
The girl twitched. "Oh, good grief..."
"Well well...hello, Adagio!"
"Snaps and Slugs, right?"
"Snips and Snails."
"Whatever." Adagio raised an eyebrow. "I wouldn't expect to see two losers like you at a VD clinic. What, did you give each other syphilis or something?"
"Eww! Hell no, eh!"
"We're just here to pick up chicks," Snips said.
Adagio blinked. "I'm...sorry, what? "
"Yeah, we're here to pick up chicks, eh," Snails said.
"You're...trolling for girls...at a VD clinic."
"Well where else are we gonna find easy girls?"
Adagio stopped and considered that. "Huh. That's...pathetic."
"So what're you doing later?" Snips asked, waggling his huge, disgusting eyebrows.
"Not either of you," Adagio said.
A nurse opened the door. "Ms...Mermaid?"
Adagio stood up and went into the back.
Snips and Snails exchanged a glance and snickered.
Thirty minutes later, Adagio came back out. She looked at Snips and Snails.
An evil grin crossed her face.
"Hey, boys? Come on over to my place..."
"And sho you shee, that...huh, your butt's getting huge , Sheleshtia...hurmh, whuzzIshayin'? Cut, cupboard, cunni...oh! Cutie mark. Yeah, that Cutie Mark on the Tree of Harmony, it'sh..."
Starswirl the Bearded toppled off the wooden stool he sat upon with a mighty thwump . The wooden tankard he was guzzling from rolled off under the table, spilling beer all over the floor.
"Huh. Who knew the great Starswirl the Bearded was such a lightweight?" Luna asked. "He consumed a mere...seventy-two pints of beer." She snorted. "Pitiful!"
"We should...we should maybe get him someplace more comfortable," Celestia said. Her horn lit up dimly, levitating Starswirl an inch off the floor and moving him...less than half a foot before he crashed back down, rolling onto his back and splaying his hind legs wide. "Oh my," Celestia said.
The two alicorn sisters stared at the unconscious stallion as one of his hind legs kicked and twitched periodically.
"For a pony so wrinkly, his scrotum is...quite smooth," Luna said.
"Yet so small," Celestia added. She blinked. "Wow, he really needs a bidet..."
The sisters finished off the last two barrels of ale the innkeeper had in stock, then retired to their castle, leaving Starswirl to the tender mercies of the tavern's middle-aged donkey wenches.
The lull of a quiet afternoon at Sugar Cube Corner was shattered by a loud, explosive sneeze from outside.
Pinkie Pie walked in wearing a thoroughly disgusted expression, her face covered in thick, goopy snot.
Mrs. Cake's ears wilted. "I'm...guessing Cheese Sandwich had to cancel your date."
"Ya think? "
Twilight spotted Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich walking out of the Ponyville Savings & Loan & Buckboard Rental, chatting animatedly with huge smiles on their faces and leaning into each other. She smiled and trotted over to them.
"Hi Pinkie, hi Cheese!" she called. "What're you two up to?"
"Oh, hey Twilight!" Pinkie greeted. "Me and Cheesie just bought that empty lot over on Silver Spur Circle!"
"Wow, really?" Twilight asked. "What, are you building a party hall?"
Cheese laughed, a faint blush on his cheeks. "No, silly filly--err, Your Highness--"
"Just Twilight is fine," Twilight said with a smile.
"Right..." Cheese coughed. "We're building our own little love nest."
Twilight blinked. "Love nest?" She tilted her head. "You're...you're moving in together?"
"Yeah, I'm ready to settle down...some of the time," Cheese said. He nuzzled Pinkie. "This little filly's growin' on me."
Pinkie giggled. "Yeah. We're gonna build a bung alooooooooooooow. "
Cheese grinned. "Bung alooooooooooooow, " he repeated.
Pinkie laughed and snorted. "Bung alooooooooooooow! "
"Bung alooooooooooooow! " Cheese snickered.
"Bung alooooooooooooow! " Pinkie rolled around on the ground, laughing.
"Bung alooooooooooooow! " Cheese flopped over, doing a spastic dance on the ground.
"Bung alooooooooooooow! "
"Bung alooooooooooooow! "
Twilight shook her head and flew away, leaving the two crazy ponies laughing and twitching in the street, saying "Bung alooooooooooooow! " at each other.
"Hey Sunset? Mind if Ah ask somethin'?"
Sunset was helping Applejack pick apples, as Big Macintosh was busy repairing the barn. Applejack had asked her other friends to help, but everybody had prior commitments, so it was just the two of them.
"Sure. You know you can ask me anything, Applejack."
"Well, it's jes'...it might be kinda embarrassin'..."
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Is this an evil she-demon question, a Flash Sentry question, or a sex question?"
"Naw, it ain't...it ain't none'a that."
"Okay. Go for it, then."
Applejack frowned at an apple that had black, pitted holes in it and chucked it out into the orchard. "What part'a th' horse is th' doovers?"
Sunset blinked. "Huh?"
"It's jes'...you know them fancy parties Rarity's always draggin' us off to? Them parties always has all them horse doovers...Ah can't rightly figger out what part'a th' horse the doovers is, an' Ah figgered, well...you'd know."
Sunset stared at Applejack uncomprehendingly. "Uhh..."
"Ah mean, Ah ain't...Ah'm sorry if that's offensive!" Applejack said hastily. "Ah mean, it...it don't bother you none, right? Bein' reminded you was a horse back where Twilight's from an' all?"
"Pony actually, and no, but—"
"An' Ah bet it ain't easy t' talk about eatin' th' doovers offa some poor horse. Ah don't rightly know what Rarity's thinkin' an all..."
"Umm, Applejack?"
"It ain't...it ain't th' privates, is it?" Applejack asked, a sick look on her face. "Doovers ain't a horse's...y'know..."
Sunset facepalmed. "No, it's—"
"Cuz some'a them doovers sure tasted like they coulda been—"
"APPLEJACK!" Sunset shouted.
"Oh. Sorry sugarcube. You was sayin'?"
Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose. "They're not called horse doovers, they're called hors d'ouvres . It's Prench." She grimaced, then amended, "You know, 'fancy' talk. It just means appetizers. Like those little sausages you wrap in a crescent roll."
"Ooooooooooh," Applejack drawled, eyes wide in understanding. Her cheeks turned red. "Well shucks...now Ah feel like a plumb idjit."
Sunset laughed. "It's okay, Applejack. Everybody makes mistakes." She went back to picking apples.
A minute later...
"Hey! Is that why Rarity got mad an' threw me outta her house when Ah said she was an expert on hot cooter?"
Sunset slammed her forehead against the trunk of the tree.
A great rolling boom of thunder rattles everything. I extract myself from Twilight's embrace and get up. I look around for the remote, but can't find it anywhere. It's just as well; my hands aren't exactly clean...
The TV sets in the dorm do have voice control, but I hate using it. Sighing, I speak up: "TV on. Channel 211."
The TV comes on; after a moment, it changes over to the cable weather. There's an angry red ticker scrolling a warning about severe thunderstorms in the area. The clock in the corner of the screen says it's a quarter of seven.
I glance back at the bed. Twilight sits up, groaning. "Ugh..." She grimaces. "Ow...my butt hurts..."
...huh?
...I didn't fuck her in the ass, so why...?
Twilight stands up, rubbing her butt. "What the heck?" She turns her back to me. "Flash? Is something...?"
There's a deep rectangular indentation in Twilight's ass. The impressions of buttons cut even deeper into the flesh. "Looks like you slept on the remote."
"Oh," Twilight says. "Ow." She looks back at the bed and runs her hand around on it. "Huh...I can't find it..."
"Maybe it's under Pinkie?" I turn on the lights; Twilight pulls the covers off of Pinkie. She blinks.
"Uhh..." She turns red. "It's not under Pinkie. It's...it's IN Pinkie." She pulls the TV remote out of Pinkie's pussy with a slurping pop. She holds it up with two fingers, making a face. "Ick."
"..."
Pinkie rolls over, mutters something about cupcakes, and farts glitter all over the bed.
"..."
"..."
"I'm burning everything in this room."
"I'll get a priest. We need a priest."
Author's Note
Blame Zef for the part about Twilight sleeping on the remote and me for everything else.
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I Ain't From 'Round Here, I'm From Another Dimension!
"Ooookay, where are we NOW, Star?"
Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz looked around at the rolling green pastures, country cottages with thatched roofs, and dozens of candy-colored ponies milling around. Star's eyes began to shine, and she grinned and tucked her fists under her chin. "Heeheehee."
"Wow, is this where Pony Head is from?"
"I don't think so," Star said. "These ponies have...well...bodies."
"Oh yeah."
A pink pony bounced up to them. "Hi! You must be Star Butterfly!"
"That's right!" Star said. "How'd you know?"
"Eh, Pony Head told us about you." The pink pony looked at Marco. "And you're Earth Turd!"
Marco's shoulders sagged. "Yes. Yes I am. I am Earth Turd."
"Well it's great to meet you both! My name is Pinkie Pie, and this is Ponyville!"
"Of course it is," Marco said.
~Twenty minutes later~
"Well it was nice meeting you ponies we've REALLY gotta go we had a lot of fun bye!"
Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie looked around at the complete and utter destruction. What used to be Ponyville was hanging in shredded tatters...the parts of it that weren't on fire, spewing demonic cute fluffy animals, or covered in blood.
"What...what happened? " Twilight asked. "How...how did she...HOW?"
"She sets rainbows on fire," Rainbow Dash said dully. "How is that even POSSIBLE?"
"I don't think I ever want to party with Star Butterfly ever again," Pinkie Pie said. "This is...this is worse than that time I woke up in bed with two mules and an alpaca..."
The others turned to stare at her.
Pinkie took a sheepish step backwards. "The...alpaca was on fire?" she hedged.
"Good news, girls!" Sonata exclaimed as she bounded into the Dazzlings' apartment. "I got us new jobs!"
"Ugh. The J-word," Aria said. "No thanks. I'd rather pluck myself bald with a pair of pliers than work at Taco Banana or whatever lame place you've picked."
"No, not THAT kind of job!" Sonata said. "The kind where we don't have to do anything at all!"
Adagio looked up from filing her nails. "Okay, I'll bite. What kind of jobs?"
"We're gonna be RAP HOES!" Sonata yelled cheerfully, throwing her arms into the air and beaming.
Aria raised an eyebrow. "Ex...cuse me?"
"You know, rap hoes! Those girls in rap videos that just have to stand around looking good in skanky clothes!" Sonata said, putting a hand on her hip. "Which is pretty much what we do all day every day anyway!"
Adagio and Aria looked at one another.
"Yeah, but...when we do it on our own, we do it because that's who we are ," Adagio said. "This whole business of calling ourselves 'hoes' sounds...degrading ."
Sonata held up a ring with twenty-five diamonds arranged in a 5x5 grid on it. "How's this for degrading?"
"Let me see that," Aria exclaimed, snatching the ring from Sonata. She examined it, frowning. "Hmm."
"Look, all we have to do is show up looking sexy, stand around while they shoot a video or whatever, collect our pay, and leave!" Sonata said. "I mean...what could be simpler than that?"
Adagio and Aria looked at one another. Aria shrugged. Adagio frowned. "Okay. We'll try it."
"Yay!" Sonata exclaimed.
"So...who are we hoing for?" Aria asked.
"Only the best rappers in Canterlot!" Sonata cried, pumping her fists.
* * * * *
"Yo I'm MC Snails, and I like whales! When I go to the beach, I always bring my pails!"
Adagio's left eye twitched.
Aria ground her teeth.
Sonata bounced up and down giddily.
"Sonata," Aria said slowly, "you. Are. The. WORST. "
There's No Excuse For This
Pinkie Pie and Sunset Shimmer sat across from their friends at the newly-christened "Table of Shame". Sunset shook her head. "Really, girls? Seriously?"
Pinkie gave her friends pitying looks. "I practically live in cloudcuckooland and even I manage to get my homework handed in!"
This semester, Canterlot High School instituted a policy whereby students must text their excuses for failing to hand in assignments to their teachers. During lunch, the most pathetic excuses for not handing in homework were posted on the notice board in the cafeteria for all to see.
These are some of the results:
Rainbow Dash: my tortis ate my homeowrk
Applejack: didnt do it, im dumb
Rarity: My cat shredded my homework.
Fluttershy: My rabbit hid my boobs.
"And what the HELL, Fluttershy?" Sunset demanded.
Fluttershy's face--what little could be seen of it--was beet red. "I...umm...typo. Really, really bad typo," she whispered, shrinking into herself.
Fluttershy spent the rest of the day running from people offering to help find her boobs.
Moral of the story: Always proofread your texts.
The shackles on Pinkie Pie's ankles jingled as she shifted uncomfortably under the weight of Princess Celestia's harsh, disappointed glare.
To her sides, their faces partially obscured by the iron bars of Pinkie's cell, stood Luna and Twilight Sparkle. Luna's face was unreadable. Twilight looked sad.
"Do you understand the scope of what you have done, Pinkamena Pie?" Celestia asked.
Pinkie hung her head, staring at the floor.
"Equestria is now at war with Al Qamel," Celestia said.
"It...it was just a joke," Pinkie whined.
"A joke," Celestia repeated flatly. "The representative of Al Qamel did not find it especially funny."
Tears welled up in Pinkie's eyes.
"Would you care to repeat exactly what you said to him?" Celestia asked coldly.
Pinkie's ears drooped.
"I asked you a question," Celestia said.
Pinkie looked up. "I...I said...'stop humping me'..."
"All rise. The honorable Judge Small Claims presiding."
"Thank you, you may be seated." The judge shuffled the paperwork the bailiff gave him. "Mrs. Tap, you're suing Ms. Dusk for misrepresentation, correct?"
"Yes, Your Honor."
"Miss Dusk, you've filed a countersuit for wrongful termination, is that correct?"
"Yep!"
"...Miss Dusk, please don't chew gum in my courtroom."
"Whoops! My bad."
"Alright...Mrs. Tap, you may begin."
"Thank you, Your Honor. I hired Ms. Dusk to work in my daycare center. On her resume, she claimed to have considerable experience in caring for children. During her brief time in my employ, she hogged all the toys from the children, ate the cookies that were supposed to be handed out at snack time, disrupted naptime, and watched movies full of graphic violence, sex, and profanity on the TV I use for educational children's programming. After that, I did some checking up on her, and learned she has never worked as a babysitter in Canterlot. As you can see from her application and resume, she clearly falsified her work experience."
"I see...Ms. Dusk, how do you explain yourself?"
"Your Honor, if I may, I'm representing Ms. Dusk."
"Alright, and you are...?"
"Ms. Blaze, Your Honor."
"Very well, Ms. Blaze. Continue."
"Your Honor, we contest that Mrs. Tap misrepresented the expected qualifications on the job application, and that her grounds for the dismissal of my client are spurious at best."
"Ms. Blaze, based on Mrs. Tap's testimony, I find these claims to be frankly outrageous. I hope you have a very compelling argument."
"I do, Your Honor. If you will look at the documentation my client submitted, and at the application form Mrs. Tap presented my client, you will notice that it clearly asks for the applicant's experience in sitting."
"I do in fact see that, Ms. Blaze. I also see that your client claims to have 'years of experience', which would seem contradictory to Mrs. Tap's account..."
"Your Honor, I would like to point out that the documentation explicitly says sitting . Not 'babysitting'. Just 'sitting'."
"I've been sitting for years and years! See? I'm sitting right now!"
"..."
"Your Honor, I move for dismissal of Mrs. Tap's suit against my client due to the ambiguous and easily misinterpreted nature of the wording on the application."
"That's...that's crazy! You're both crazy! Anyone applying to work in a daycare should know I expect them to have baby sitting experience!"
"Mrs. Tap, that's enough. As absurd as this is, I'm afraid the defendant has a valid point..."
* * * * *
"Well, at least we don't owe that crazy screaming lady any money."
"Yeah, but that meanie poo-poo head judge wouldn't make her give me my job back!"
"Sonata...do you want to work for that psychopath?"
"Well...no...and the kids are kinda super-whiny. But...but they had the coolest toys!"
"You're the worst, Sonata..."
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #2
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #2
Pinkie Pie watched as the Mushroom Brothers, two mushtachioed plumbers who wore color-coded overalls, crawled out of Ponyville's only gunge pipe, covered in filth, muck, and crap. Covering her mouth with her hoof to hide her mischevious smirk, she bounced up to them, and asked:
"Who do doo-doo on you two?"
Maud Pie and Pinkie Pie, dressed in black suits, stood in a tiny hole-in-the-wall apartment occupied by Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Babs Seed lay on the couch, bleeding out from a gunshot wound.
"What does Filthy Rich look like," Maud said dispassionately to Scootaloo.
"What?" Scootaloo replied.
Maud kicked the table, which held the remnants of Scootaloo's Hayburger breakfast, across the room. "What country are you from," she said flatly.
"...what?"
"What isn't any country I've ever heard of," Maud said. "Do they speak English in What?"
"...what?" Scootaloo replied.
"English, motherfucker, do you speak it," Maud said boredly.
"Yes!"
"Then you know what I'm saying."
"Yes!"
"Describe what Filthy Rich looks like," Maud insisted in a deadpan, sleepy tone.
"...what?"
"Say what again," Maud said, pointing her gun right at Scootaloo's head. "I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more time."
"He...he's tan..."
"And?"
"He has...he has a slicked-back mane..."
"Does he look like a bitch," Maud said, glancing boredly at the back of the room.
"...what?"
Maud shot Scootaloo in the flank.
"Does he look like a bitch."
"No!" Scootaloo screamed in agony.
"Then why'd you try to fuck him like a bitch," Maud said, her tone never changing.
"I didn't!"
"Yes you did."
"Is this makin' any sense to anypony else?" Apple Bloom wondered.
Pinkie shot her in the face.
Maud blinked slowly. "Fuck it."
The Pie sisters shot up the place, grabbed the briefcase, and left.
After they were gone, the bathroom door slowly opened, and Button Mash nervously peeked out.
"...I missed my cue, didn't I?"
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"What would the Princess of Friendship be without her friends?"
A stiff breeze rippled the stiff sailcloth and picked at strands of Twilight's mane as she emerged from the Royal Cabin. Overhead, the sun shone brightly, casting thousands of glittering sparkles upon the rolling waves.
Twilight flew up to the crow's nest and levitated her spyglass to her eye, scanning the horizon.
No land in sight. Just like yesterday, and the day before. Just like the last fifteen days of her voyage...
"This really sucks ," Twilight muttered. Sighing, she checked the sails, adjusted some knots, then returned to her cabin for a meal of stale, dry, crusty bread and heavily salted cabbage jerky.
Pinkie and Gilda Bake a Cake
"Okay, now we need...three eggs," Gilda read from the open cookbook on the counter as she folded butter in the bowl she held.
"Coming right up!" Pinkie rummaged through the fridge...then plopped on her butt on the kitchen floor. "Uhh...or not," she said. She looked back at Gilda with sad eyes. "Looks like Mr. Cake's supply order didn't come in. We're out of eggs."
Gilda shrugged. "Eh."
"Gilda, this is bad!" Pinkie said, throwing her hooves up in the air. "We can't make this cake without eggs!"
"I know that, dweeb!" Gilda said. "Gimme some credit!" She fluffed her wings. "I'm just sayin', I got this."
"Oh...you mean you're gonna go to the store and get some eggs?"
Gilda snorted. "Please. That's what you dorky ponies do." She cracked her neck, stretched out, then hunched down, face screwed up in a look of intense concentration.
"Uhh...Gilda?" Pinkie asked uncertainly. "What are you--"
Gilda let out a pained grunt of exertion, and a large, mottled egg the color of granite slid out of her hindquarters. "Nnghhh...GAH!" She stood up, spreading her wings to their full span, and panted heavily. "There! Problem solved!" She turned to give Pinkie her most winning smile...
Pinkie's face was buried in the bowl of ingredients Gilda had been folding. A stomach-churning retching sound filled the kitchen.
"Pinkie? What are you...HEY! DON'T PUKE IN THERE! WE'RE NOT MAKING VOMIT CAKE!"
"Hey, have any of you girls ever seen Fluttershy topless?" Rainbow Dash asked out of the blue.
Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie frowned. "Now that you mention it...no," Pinkie said. "Which is really weird because she never ever wears a bra!"
"It isn't that strange," Rarity said. "I mean, given how shy Fluttershy is..."
"So shy she walks around in a tank top an' no bra all th' time?" Applejack said. Her brow scrunched up. "Yeah, Ah seen Rainbow's tits, an' yours, an' even Sunset Shimmer, but..."
"The more I think about it, the more it bugs me," Rainbow said. "Not...that I wanna see Fluttershy's boobs or nothin', it's just..."
"Well...I suppose she won't be too furious with us if we, ahem, have a quick peek over at Sunset Shimmer's place later this evening..."
* * * * *
"Pizza's here!" Sunset Shimmer got up off the couch and ran to the door.
"Oh, I'll help you with that!" Fluttershy said, standing up.
"It's cool, I got it."
Rarity, Pinkie, and Rainbow looked at each other and exchanged nods. "Here, Fluttershy dear, you can help me with the plates and cups."
"Oh. Alright!"
Pinkie snuck up behind Fluttershy with a sneaky smile.
At the door, Sunset paid the delivery driver and collected the pizza, then kicked the door shut, returning to the living room. "Okay girls, let's—Pinkie, what are you—"
Pinkie Pie grabbed the hem of Fluttershy's shirt and lifted it...
"NO, WAIT!" Sunset cried, alarm written on her face.
Too late...
With one swift flick of the wrists, Fluttershy's shirt flew off, landing on a potted plant in the corner...
Four jaws scraped the floor.
Sunset facepalmed.
"What...the...fuck..." Rainbow said, eyes wide as dinner plates.
Fluttershy stood topless in the middle of the room. Her breasts had, not nipples, but perfectly round, cartoonish kitten faces.
"Meow!"
"Eep!" Fluttershy squeaked. "It's okay, girls...it's okay..."
Rarity fainted dead away.
"Huh," Applejack said. She pulled her hat over her face. "Gonna pretend Ah never saw that..."
"Oookay, that's weird even by my standards," Pinkie said. "Gonna go throw up now..."
Sunset wordlessly retrieved Fluttershy's shirt and handed it to her. She calmly put it back on, blushing furiously.
"Fluttershy, uhh...what..." Rainbow began.
"Just...don't ask. Please."
"....'k." Rainbow looked at Sunset. "You knew?"
Sunset sighed. "Yep. I knew."
"And you're not freaked out?"
Sunset shrugged. "I've seen worse."
"Mew..."
"Sweet Apple Cider! Hoof-made by the Apple Family of Ponyville, it is the finest cider in all of Eques—"
"Uhh, scuse me, Sir Patrick?"
"—yes?"
"Well, it's jes'...we all decided we're gonna go another way with this here campaign. Ah mean, no disrespect, but...this jes' ain't workin' out. Sorry."
"...I grow tired of this..."
Author's Note
If you don't get it, look up "Strongbow Cider Patrick Stewart".
Quentin Tarantino's Sunset Strips #1
"Jesus FUCK!"
"Oh my GOD! What did you—what the FUCK? Stupid, oh my God, Christ, what the FUCK?!"
"Call 911! Call 911!"
"Snails! Find, I dunno, some ice or something!"
"Uhh...we don't got no ice, eh."
"Well then fucking find SOMETHING! Christ, just...just find SOMETHING and put it in it—"
"Hell no, I ain't touchin' it, eh!"
"Well I'm sure as fuck not touching it!"
"Let Snips touch it, it's HIS—"
"SOMEBODY CALL 911, I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH HERE!"
"YOU call 911, you little dumbfuck, YOU'RE the one who did this shit! Jesus Christ, and all over my fucking carpet, too..."
* * * * *
"Holy crap this is good tequila!"
"...uhh, Rainbow Dash..."
"Yeah?"
"...nevermind."
"Man, I thought they were kiddin' about the whole worm in the tequila thing. This is some crazy shit. You know, this worm looks...weird..."
"Rainbow? That's...that's not a worm. I'm...sort of pickling a dick in that bottle of tequila."
"...WHAT?"
"You heard me. That's a dick. Pickling. In the tequila."
"...FUCK, and you let me DRINK this—oh FUCK, WHY?"
"Hey, you're the one who just picked it up and drank it with a dick floating in it."
"WHY are you...WHOSE?"
"Snips."
"UGH! Why the fuck do you have Snips' dick in a bottle?"
"Dumb little fucker cut it off. We didn't have any ice. Tequila was the best I could do. Then the ambulance guys said there wasn't anything they could do, and I guess I just forgot about it."
"...holy fucking shit , when the fuck was this?"
"I dunno, five or six months ago?"
"I'm gonna go throw up...holy fucking shit, Sunset..."
Fluttershy has a Frog in her Throat
A limp, panicking Fluttershy flew weakly up to Twilight Sparkle, who was conversing with Princess Luna and Mayor Mare about preparations for the upcoming Nightmare Night festivities.
Twilight noticed her and smiled. "Oh, hey Fluttershy!" Her smile faltered as she noticed Fluttershy's obvious state of panic and erratic flight. "...are you okay?"
Fluttershy made a rasping noise somewhat quieter than her usual frightened squeak.
"Would...you like to tell me what's wrong?" Twilight asked.
Fluttershy nodded and clutched at her neck.
"So...are you gonna tell me what's wrong?"
Fluttershy shook her head and frantically grasped at her neck.
Twilight frowned. "You know I haven't learned how to read minds yet, right?"
Fluttershy dropped weakly to the ground, pawing vigorously at her own throat and rasping wildly.
Luna frowned. "I believe perhaps fair Fluttershy is choking," she said.
Fluttershy nodded frantically.
Twilight's eyes widened. "Oh my gosh!"
"I shall handle this," Luna said. She stepped forward, swept Fluttershy up in her hooves, threw her over her shoulder, and squeezed hard .
With a sharp, violent cough, Fluttershy expelled everything from her lungs and bronchial tubes.
A fat green frog flew out of Fluttershy's mouth, bounced twice on the ground, and spun in place, croaking in confusion and mild anger before hopping off into the brush.
Everypony stared .
Fluttershy took several deep breaths, then gingerly extracted herself from Luna's grasp. "Thank you," she rasped. "Could...could somepony get me some water, please?"
A glass of water appeared out of nowhere, suspended in Luna's aura. Fluttershy drank it slowly.
"I think I saw Zecora over at the flower shop," the Mayor said absently. "I'll...I'll see if she has some of that cough remedy..." She galloped away, casting the occasional confused glance back at Fluttershy.
Twilight stared at her friend. "Uhh...Fluttershy? How did—?"
Derpy swooped down over the group. "Hey Fluttershy, I think I lost a couple of those frogs you wanted me to carry...oh, wow, you don't look so good...you okay?"
Twilight facehoofed.
Author's Note
Inspired by the comments thread on this post .
A Whyfy Original Motion Picture Event
Rain lashed against the windows of the Rainbooms' tour bus as thunder rumbled. The sky was heavy with dark clouds, and strong winds rocked the high-profile vehicle precariously.
"Sorry girls," Flash Sentry said from the driver's seat. "Looks like we're stuck here until the storm passes."
"Ugh!" Rainbow complained, kicking the locked door of the bus. "Bad enough we're stuck out in this storm, but why'd we hafta get stuck in this part of town?"
"Ah wouldn't fret none, Rainbow Dash," Applejack said. "Ah mean, it ain't like...people are gonna think we're...y'know..."
"Whose idea was it to take a shortcut through the red light district, anyway?" Rarity asked haughtily.
Rainbow was about to retort, but a deafening roar cut her off. The entire bus began to rattle and vibrate. The Rainbooms looked around at one another, wide-eyed and frightened.
"What...what IS that?" Fluttershy squeaked.
"It sounds like a freight train," Rarity said.
"That ain't no train," Applejack said, swallowing nervously. "That's a tornado..."
Sunset Shimmer stood nearest the largest windows at the rear the bus. She raised the blinds and looked out the rain-spattered glass. She gasped.
A massive column of roaring wind slammed through the roof of a nearby brothel. As she watched, dozens of dark shapes were sucked up into the storm; as the tornado drew perilously close to their bus, a half-dressed woman suddenly slammed against the window, her breasts pressed up against the glass.
"No," Sunset said. "It's not a tornado."
She turned to the other girls, a grim expression on her face.
"It's a Whorenado."
The Rainbooms sat in Fluttershy's living room watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Rainbow scratched her head. "Y'know, I don't get why Donny thinks he's got a shot with April. I mean, even if she was into, y'know, mutants...it's not like they could ever, y'know..." She made a few very lewd hand gestures. "Bom-chika-bow-wow."
"RAINBOW! Eww!" Pinkie cried, giggling.
"Well it's true!" Rainbow said, gesturing at the screen. "I mean, he's butt nekkid, and there's no...anything there!"
Fluttershy blushed furiously. "Umm...actually..."
The others turned to her. She ducked low in her seat.
"I-it's just...well...turtles do have, umm...that."
"Seriously?" Rainbow asked. "Cuz I've never seen one on Tank."
"Yes, they do have them," Fluttershy insisted. "They're just...hidden away most of the time."
"But surely they must be...ahem...rather small in comparison," Rarity said, covering her mouth with a dainty hand.
"Oh, goodness, no," Fluttershy said, her face turning even more red. "In fact, if...if April ever saw, umm...that ...it would probably traumatize the poor girl."
The others leaned forward with interest. "Seriously?" Sunset asked.
"Whoa, how big are we talkin' here?" Rainbow wondered.
Fluttershy let out an embarrassed squeak.
"Come on, girl, spill!" Pinkie said, grinning excitedly.
"Oh...please don't ask...it's too embarrassing..."
"Oh, come on! Don't leave us hangin'!"
"Well..." Fluttershy gulped, then walked over to the living room closet. She rummaged around inside and, after a moment, produced a vacuum cleaner hose. Her face furiously scarlet, she walked into the center of the room, grasped one end of the hose between her thighs, then stretched the hose out to its full length and held it in trembling hands.
The others stared at her, eyes wide.
"No freakin' WAY," Rainbow said.
Sunset hurriedly pulled her laptop out of her bag and did a quick Internet search. Her eyes nearly fell out of her head. "Oh my GOD," she said.
Fluttershy quickly put the vacuum hose away and sat down, pressing her skirt firmly against her legs.
Pinkie Pie looked over Sunset's shoulder, then back at the TV. "OUCH," she said.
The girls all squeezed their legs tight and squirmed. "Umm...want me to change the channel?" Rainbow asked.
"YES, PLEASE," the others all shouted.
Rainbow picked up the remote and changed the channel...
A Gamera movie appeared on the screen.
The girls all screamed and fled the house.
Fluttershy hummed cheerfully to herself as she merrily stirred a pot of porridge. Taking a taste, her muzzle wrinkled; she spooned up a bowl of porridge that wasn't nearly warm enough, then set it aside.
After a few more minutes, she tested the porridge again. With a warm smile, she spooned up a bowl of perfectly heated porridge.
Five minutes later, without bothering to test it, she spooned up a third bowl. Taking the pot off the stove, she carried the three bowls over to the table by the window and opened it, letting the steam from the porridge waft out into the breeze. Laying out napkins and spoons, she pulled a tiny shaker from her saddlebag and sprinkled a liberal helping of its contents into each bowl. She then crept quietly upstairs and hid, watching and waiting.
After several minutes, a young, pretty blond girl in a blue pinafore skipped into the cottage. Her bright blue eyes sparkled as she wandered over to the table, inhaling deeply. With a happy sigh, she tasted first one bowl of the porridge, then the next, before settling in to eat all of the third.
As soon as she finished eating, her eyes fluttered closed, and she slumped forward onto the table, gently snoring.
Fluttershy flew downstairs with a serene smile on her face as she gathered the girl up and carried her upstairs, where three bears—Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear—lay slumbering in their beds.
Fluttershy deposited the sleeping girl on the bedroom rug. "Wake up, everybear! Lunch is ready!"
The one on the left has it today.
"Hey Pinkie," Rainbow said as she lounged in a pool chair by the lake.
"What's up, Dashie?" Pinkie asked, looking up from digging worms for fishing.
"Know what I noticed recently about the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"
"Hm? What about them?"
Rainbow propped herself up and took off her sunglasses. "Ever notice how they seem to share a brain?"
Pinkie blinked and turned, frowning. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Rainbow shrugged. "It's like...any time those three get up to something, only one of 'em has any sense whatsoever, and the other two are dumb as a bent horseshoe."
Pinkie's frown deepened. "That's really mean, Dashie."
"Yeah, I know, but think about it." Rainbow leaned back.
Pinkie started to reply, but paused, brow furrowing. Her right ear twitched. "Hmm..."
Just then, the center of the lake rippled. With a tremendous SPLASH, three filly heads popped up out of the water.
"I can't believe we didn't find ANYTHING!" Scootaloo cried as she threw aside her rebreather.
"I know!" Sweetie Belle squeaked. "We searched the whole lake bottom, and not a single chest of pirate treasure anywhere!"
Apple Bloom shook water out of her mane and ears, then glared at the other two. "Ah told y'all! This here's a LAKE! Pirates sail on the SEA!"
Sweetie Belle frowned. "Maybe we just need to find a bigger lake," she said.
"Or a river!" Scootaloo added excitedly. She jumped out of the lake and trotted off, Sweetie Belle right behind her.
"Hey, wait up!" Apple Bloom called. "Ah'm tellin' y'all this ain't gonna work!"
Rainbow Dash flashed Pinkie a smirk and a raised eyebrow.
Pinkie shook her head. "You know? You maaaaay be on to something there..."
Sugarcoat Interferes In DBZ History
"That's right, Freeza," Vegeta snarled. "I've become what you fear most! I'M A SUPER SAIYAN!"
"No you're not," a flat female voice said.
Freeza, Vegeta, Piccolo, Gohan, and Kuririn turned and stared at the speaker: a blue-skinned teenage girl in a purple school uniform, with plastic-rimmed glasses, frost-blue hair tied back in twin ponytails, and a sour expression on her face.
"What was that?" Vegeta growled.
The girl folded her arms. "Super Saiyans have glowing golden hair and glowing green eyes. Also, it's an actual transformation, not just getting yourself beat up over and over again the way you've been doing. You're nowhere even close to transforming into a Super Saiyan. Oh, and Freeza's about to kill you." She walked away calmly, ignoring the seething Saiyan prince behind her.
The girl paused. "Oh, by the way? That guy you keep calling Kakarotto even though his name is Son Gokuu? He IS a Super Saiyan. When you see what an actual Super Saiyan looks like, you're going to feel pretty stupid."
Everyone watched her walk off the battlefield.
"Who the heck WAS that?" Gohan wondered.
Author's Note
Inspired by this story.
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #6
"I'VE GOT IT!" Pinkie Pie suddenly announced, startling her friends.
"You've got what?" Rainbow asked.
Pinkie hopped up and leaned into Rarity's face. "Remember that time Twilight gave you magic wings and we all went to Cloudsdale and you showed off with your wings and got all wing-crazy and attention-hogging and made Rainbow Dash panic even more than she already was?"
"Err...yes, Pinkie," Rarity said, drawing back and raising a hoof. "I do remember that. Quite vividly."
"I just figured out what to call you!" Pinkie said brightly.
The others looked at each other.
"Uhh...Pinkie Pie? That...that was four years ago," Applejack said slowly.
"I know! It took me four years to think of just the right name for a unicorn with butterfly wings!"
The others looked at each other again.
"Umm...okay," Twilight Sparkle said. "So...what DO you call a unicorn with butterfly wings?"
Pinkie grinned broadly. "A buttercorn! "
Everypony else fell over.
"Whaaaat?" Pinkie whined.
Just then, Pinkie's tail started twitching, and a brick fell on her head from out of nowhere.
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The Chinese masturbations can not be read in this circumstance
Humming to himself Fluttershy, she filled the hall to the bathroom barefoot. Some corn chip smell of humid air is said that her aria is finished. She intervention by selecting the ventilation fan and hanging on the door and took off her robe hook. She shower curtain in the bathroom floor in a thin layer, the nerve opened the stain used. Sigh, she raised the foot ...
And I frowned at her feet. "Maybe I need a quick shave," it was a tweet in your mind.
She jjipurigo face, held a pause, a first aid kit. Shaving her she can not leave it for last. She cried, she reached for it, holding it found a wild purple hair protruding from between the wings.
"Oh, she did not" Fluttershy narrowed his eyes and hissed. In the anti sigh of relief, she put the razor back, holding a disposable bag to open the cabinet under the sink made out of shaving gel on her work on her leg.
After her shower scrub Fluttershy new and small circular bandages came to the breakfast table stuck a few notches on her legs where her school is not sitting fully dressed. She cleared her throat to be a arias on the other side to read the comic books noted in the table. "I'm sorry, Aria?"
"Is it?" Aria said not to worry about find greed. Fluttershy his father's face was stretched hands on a coffee behind the morning newspaper.
"Why not use a razor to your day -" Fluttershy has been shaken slightly. "Oh, bikini?"
I fly across the stream and coffee table.
Aria shrugged. "I'm annoyed I like you better."
"But this is within Shaver," said Fluttershy. "My feet using a hole that I use, and you have got some idea of how diseases to find the head of another woman taboo razor?"
Father of paper on Fluttershy has created a "gaaah" noise.
Aria giggled. "" No, head '? Really? 5 Do you? "
"Aria! I'm serious! You can not go for something around me!"
Aria has raised eyebrows. "But everything is there any part of the magic of friendship?" She made air quotes. "Sharing and everything?"
"Not sharing, if my razor, yes, very important! No, you have your own razor, you never no when you use it to pub-"
"Morning!" Fluttershy mother is crying, calling the deck on the table, and was in a hurry. We aria way to greet a new razor for "after school? Which one you like this? And of course I love Fluttershy likely will pick you up. "
"Thanks, Mom" Fluttershy said solemnly.
Sunset Shimmer Rubs Her Pussy On Things #1
"Umm...S-Sunset Shimmer?"
"Yeah, Fluttershy?"
"Umm...w-why are you doing...umm...that...?"
The other girls were staring in silent horror at the spectacle that had unexpectedly unfolded at the weekly sleepover. Princess Twilight Sparkle, who had joined them tonight, was especially perplexed.
Sunset Shimmer had spontaneously stripped off all her clothes. Then, she pushed Fluttershy down on the bed and unbuttoned her pajama top. Now, Sunset was straddling Fluttershy...and repeatedly grinding her crotch against Fluttershy's bare stomach.
"I don't know," Sunset said, grunting as she bore down on Fluttershy. "I just...ngh...suddenly felt like rubbing my...ahhh!...pussy all over you."
"Meep." Fluttershy looked to the other girls in wide-eyed, flushed-cheeked terror. "Help?"
"Twi?" Applejack asked quietly. "Is...is this some kinda weird pony thing?"
"No!" Twilight cried frantically, watching with wide eyes and red cheeks. "I have no idea why she's...why she's..."
"Marking territory?" Rarity suggested.
"EEK!" Fluttershy squealed. "M-MARKING T—DON'T YOU DARE PEE ON ME, SUNSET SHIMMER! "
"I'm not gonna pee on you, Fluttershy! Just...just relax, I'm almost...ah!...done..." With one last, loud, satisfied groan, Sunset dismounted and gathered up her pajamas. She smiled at her friends. After a moment, her smile faltered. "What?"
Fluttershy sat up. "Eww, I'm all sticky," she complained.
Rarity coughed. "Sunset, darling, what you choose to do with Fluttershy is between you and her, so long as she consents , but—"
"Hey, is anybody eating this pizza?" Sunset interrupted. She picked up a slice of cold pizza and stuck it between her thighs...
Author's Note
Yeah, I got nothin'.
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The Many Various and Sundry Pieces of Sonata Dusk
The detective scratched his head and let out a low whistle as he looked around the grungy, run-down apartment. The team from the medical examiner's office had their work cut out for them. The entire place was splattered with blood, bone, and gore. In the middle of it all stood two irritated, angry, vaguely shellshocked girls who were completely covered in blood and gore.
On the floor lay the body of a young man. He was naked and missing his genitalia...along with a good bit of his pelvis.
The detective let out a long sigh. "Alright," he said. "Let's take it from the top. Mind running the whole story by me again?"
The girl whose massive mop of orange hair was full of blood and gibs growled in annoyance. "THIS idiot," she said, pointing at the dead body on the floor, "thought it'd be fun to shove a vibrator full of nitroglycerin up his girlfriend's pussy while they were fucking, and THIS idiot--" she gestured expansively at the splattered mess decorating the walls-- "was dumb enough to let him."
The detective frowned. "And you didn't stop them why? "
Adagio shrugged. "Aria here just didn't care, and I was passed out drunk on the couch. The explosion woke me up. Next thing I knew, I was covered in Sonata goop." She made a disgusted face. "That useless little twit can't even clean up after herself when she dies in a massive bloody explosion..."
* * * * *
Sonata tilted her head. "Aria's...smiling," she said, observing the sleeping Siren. "She...never smiles. Whaddya think she's dreaming about?"
Adagio snorted. "Like I care. Isn't it your turn to do the laundry?"
"Oh, right! ...wait, which one was the laundry machine and which one was the dishwasher?"
"That's the microwave, Sonata..."
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Unexpected Musical Tastes (Or: What, You Were Expecting Beethoven?)
Twilight Sparkle bobbed her head along as the Rainbooms jammed in the music room. As their song came to an end, with Pinkie banging out a big drum finish and Rainbow holding a long chord, Rainbow turned to Twilight with a big, broad grin. "Pretty sweet, huh?"
"You guys are amazing!" Twilight said happily.
"Yeah, we are," Rainbow agreed, buffing her nails on her shirt. "Probably way different from what you usually listen to, right?"
Twilight tilted her head. "Well...a little," she said.
"Yeah, must not be easy switching to rock from all that classical stuff," Rainbow said.
Twilight frowned. "Classical stuff?"
"Yeah, you know. All those old stuffy piano and violin and...y'know, museum music."
Twilight blinked...then giggled. "I don't listen to classical music, silly!"
"Really?" Rainbow asked, blinking. "But...but you're an egghead!"
Twilight adjusted her glasses. "And?"
"Well, eggheads like, you know...egghead music..." Rainbow trailed off uncertainly.
"Wow," Sunset Shimmer said, crossing her arms. "Way to stereotype."
"I agree," Rarity said sternly. "Classical music is for everyone , not just...so-called 'eggheads'."
"So what do you listen to?" Rainbow asked.
Twilight beamed happily. "Gangster Orgy Deathcunt!"
The girls all stared at her, jaws dropping.
"Say...whut now?" Applejack asked in disbelief.
Rainbow's eyes bugged out. "Isn't that that, y'know, turdcore gangsta rap death metal band?"
Twilight nodded, smiling widely with her eyes closed.
"Oh...my..." Fluttershy whispered.
"...huh ," Rainbow decided, blinking twice. "Well okay then."
It was a still spring night at Sweet Apple Acres. Luna's moon hung low and full in the sky, there was no breeze to stifle the mild humidity, and the scent of crisp apples hung in the moist night air.
The quiet was shattered by the introduction of a poorly-played synthesizer just outside the farm house. A light turned on in one window; Applejack leaned outside to see what was going on.
Soarin, dressed in something that looked like Rarity's boutique had thrown up all over him and wearing a pair of sunglasses with triangle frames, stood outside the farm house, hooves slamming down seemingly at random on the keys of the offending synth. Seeing Applejack in the window, he began to sing:
"Sell me pies, sell me sweet little pies..."
A T-shirt cannon loaded with apples can do a variety of damage to a pony's body. Soarin learned that the hard way that night...
Terrible, Awful Pony Jokes #12
Starlight Glimmer returned from a weekend retreat with Trixie, all smiles and good cheer...
...which evaporated into confusion as soon as she crossed the threshold of Twilight's castle.
Her eyes went wide and her jaw fell slack as she took in the scene before her.
The entire floor of the castle was covered in bird crap. And tiny skeletons. Bird crap and tiny skeletons.
A frantic Twilight Sparkle was flying around, a nauseated grimace on her face, firing magic at...something . Spike hung from a complicated harness fastened around her barrel; he was breathing huge gouts of fire at the piles of bird crap, incinerating it. From higher up in the castle, she heard Fluttershy faintly pleading, and an owl furiously hooting. Pinkie Pie, in a full hazmat suit, was skating around the floor on soapy scrubbers tied to all four hooves, casually weaving around dragon fire as she scrubbed furiously at the filthy floor.
Starlight shook her head to clear the stupor. "WHAT is going ON here?!" she bellowed.
Everything stopped. Except the hooting.
"Oh! Starlight! Welcome back!" Twilight said with false cheer. "Sorry about the mess. We're, umm...we're dealing with..." She winced as a tiny skeleton bounced off her head and smashed on the floor at Starlight's hooves; Starlight numbly identified it as some sort of rodent.
Fluttershy let out a shriek and dove into view in a blur, being chased by a furious brown ball of feathers and fluff. "This is not okay, this is not okay, this is not okay," she whimpered.
A magenta aura wrapped itself around the featherball, halting it in mid-flight. It hooted angrily and struggled against Twilight's magical grip.
"Sorry," Twilight said again, her face twisted up in a grimace. "I've got a bad case of Irritable Owl Syndrome..."
A huge dollop of owl shit splattered against Pinkie's head.
The Crusaders were lounging around Apple Bloom's bedroom, watching Streamflix. Suddenly, Apple Bloom turned to Scootaloo. "Hey Scoots," she said, "are you Futaloo or Cooterloo today?"
Scootaloo blinked. "Huh?"
"Well, it sure seems like lately whether or not you got a dick or a pussy changes every other day," Apple Bloom said. "Ah was jes' wonderin' which one you got today, is all."
"Oh," Scootaloo said. She frowned. "Why?"
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Ah'm bored an' wanna suck dick," she said.
"Eww," Sweetie Belle said, pulling a face. "What is it with you and sucking dick?"
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Ah like dick. So? Scoots?"
Scootaloo sighed, stood up, and reached down her shorts, feeling around. She frowned. "Huh. That's...weird."
"Whut?"
"Well it's definitely not a pussy," Scootaloo said. "But...I don't think it's a dick either...what the hell even is that?"
"Lemme see!" Apple Bloom said, sitting up excitedly.
"Gah! At least let me leave the room before you--"
Scootaloo dropped her pants.
A rubbery boot flopped around between her legs. It was the same orange hue as Scootaloo's skin, and attached to her crotch in a most perplexing way: the boot dangled from its side, with the sole pointing forward and the open cuff of the boot facing in the same direction as her anus.
Sweetie Belle's cheeks turned green and bulged out. She scampered to her feet and ran down the hall; they heard her throwing up a few seconds later.
Apple Bloom stared at the boot, head tilted curiously. "Huh," she said. "That's...huh." She shook her head. "Well, uhh...want Ah should give you a shoeshine?"
